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Grandparents Fight All the Time; How Can I Help?

15 December, 2016
Q As-salamu Aleikom dear counselor. My grandparents are above 80, they celebrated their 55th marriage anniversary this year, alhamdulillah. They have lived in a traditional family in the country side, meaning my grandma was a full-time housewife (with loads of work around the house and garden) and grandpa the breadwinner, working from early morning till late night. For a couple of years, obviously he works a bit less and is at home more. Maye that’s when problems have arisen, though I am not sure. The issue is that they fight all the time. My grandpa says my grandma has always been a stubborn lady since they married each other, she has never appreciated him and what he has done to the family, and my grandma says the grandpa has been always bossy, everyone had to do as he wished, and she is tired of this. So they harshly criticize each other, have bad comments about each other; my grandma uses sometimes horrible words for him, and has always a negative comment, basically for every sentence my grandpa says. Well, if they talk to each other at all, because usually they do their own stuff. For around 20 years (maybe even more) they even sleep in separate rooms. What to do with them? It is so heartbreaking to see. The whole family constantly warn them to stop this, talk nicely to each other…They brought them out for a family dinner at their anniversary to remind them about their marriage. We talked a lot about how they got to know each other, how they married,…Hoped they will wake up and stop these fights. Sometimes they stop, but only to continue just where they left. I assume my grandma is depressed for very long time as she has never been a social person; she is not interested in anything and lives like a robot – cooking, cleaning, watching tv, sleeping. She does not want to leave the house, loves arguing and complaining about her problems – many times to just get the attention from us. I know this because she complains that her legs hurt her so much – but then jumps out of the bicycle after shopping in the supermarket as if she would be in her twenties. My grandpa has become so emotional lately, tears come into his eyes many times my grandma yells at him. Not in front of her, but after when talking to one of us. I assume they have been living like this for decades. What to do with two people over 80 now? I feel it is too late to change them. and obviously they won’t seek help from any professional for this.

Answer

Answer:

As-Salamu ‘Aleikom sister,

Thank you for sending your question to AboutIslam. I understand that you are feeling concerned that your grandparents are constantly fighting with each other. May Allah (swt) reward you for reaching out to find ways to help your grandparents. It must be very difficult and saddening to see two of your loved ones always insulting each other. Mashallah, you have tried all you can to rekindle the love between them that seems to be fading after 55 years of marriage together, mashallah.

For the rest of the answer, please listen to the audio below:

Salam,

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About Hannah Morris
Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)