hey are not very practicing Muslims, but very cultural. They live in Bangladesh and I live in the UK with my husband and children.
They pressurize me to bring my brother over and send them money.
Every time I speak to them on the phone, I get really upset, especially from my mother.
She always makes me feel bad about myself, my husband and everything. She has a very bad mouth as well. She swears a lot and quarrels with everyone.
My father isn't very good either (not one of the honest man).
They always wanted me to get married to someone wealthy so that I could make them and my brother rich. They never thought about my happiness.
Recently, they persuaded me to borrow from my husband £8000 to give them to invest in a land.
I've realized they've used up all the money. I don't have a job and they know that.
I don't know how to break the news to my husband, and how he might react (or how he is going to think of my family).
I stopped picking up my parents’ phone calls. I'm thinking of cutting all ties with them as the stress they cause is too much for me.
I can't be a good mum if I have this much stress (although I long for a good and friendly family).
I'm in lots of pain and worry. Please advise me what to do. JazakAllah khair in advance.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• You should be respectful towards them, but let them know that you don’t like the way they speak to you.
• Maybe you should distance yourself from them for a while to make them realize that you are upset and don’t accept that kind of behavior and negativity in your life. But don’t cut ties with them completely.
• Do not lose hope, and never cut ties with your parents completely.
As-Salaam Alaikum sister,
Thank you for approaching us. I will try my best to advise you, inshAllah.
I am sorry to hear about your situation with your parents. It sounds like a very toxic relationship. You must be going through a hard time.
Toxic parents
It can be really sad to not have a good communication with parents. They should be thinking about your happiness and give you the right type of comfort and love you need, but instead, they are doing the opposite. You feel your life is miserable.
Parents are the prime relation in a person’s life. You are not who you are without them. They gave your life and your laugh is their laugh. Parents are supposed to nature you and protect you from everything evil.
Your parents seem to be toxic, and they make your life miserable. However, your parents will always be your parents. You can never change that.
Talk about your feeling
If they bring negativity to your life and causes stress, then I would suggest that you talk to them about it. Tell them how you feel, and that they are just stressing you out more by asking for such a big amount of money and talking to you in a bad manner all the time.
Do not be rude or bad-mannered when you talk to them as they are your parents. You should be respectful towards them, but let them know that you don’t like the way they speak to you.
Don’t cut ties
If they do not stop making you feel bad and ask you for money again, then maybe you should distance yourself from them for a while to make them realize that you are upset and don’t accept that kind of behavior and negativity in your life.
But don’t cut ties with them completely, as it will only make you more upset and stressed. Parents are very important to have in your life, no matter how they are.
Your mental health and sanity are important too, especially when you have kids of your own and have a huge responsibility for them.
Your children need a mother who is happy and engaged, not a mother who is stressed out and sadly most of the time, as it will only affect them and make them vulnerable and sad.
Islam does not allow us to cut ties with our parents. You should always remember that they love you even if they are not able to show you that.
They were there for you when you were little and couldn’t do anything. They natured you, gave you warmth, love and protected you when you were dependent on them.
Never forget that. That’s why it is important to be kind to them as it is mentioned in the Qur’an:
“Thy Lord hath decreed that ye worship none but Him, and that ye be kind to parents. Whether one or more attain old age in thy life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor. And out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say, “my Lord! bestow on them Thy Mercy, even as they cherished me in childhood.” (17: 23-24)
Find a way of communication
Nobody loves us more than our parents do, and even if they can hurt us with their words, it doesn’t mean they want to hurt us; they just do not realize that they are hurting us.
This is why it is important to talk about why you feel your life is miserable and communicate well. Do not keep it inside you as it will only hurt you more, and they will never know what wrong they are doing.
Be open about your feelings and share with them your thoughts. After all, they are your parents and they don’t want to be cruel to you.
Maybe they just want their son to do as well as you are doing, and want him to move to the UK too, so he can start a good life as well.
Parents always worry about their children and want them all to be successful and happy. I am not saying that they are using the right way of communication with you, but their intentions cannot be wrong.
They are definitely not using the right method, and that’s why you have to talk to them about it. It is not fair on you. You need to let it out and get less stressed out.
Control of your anger
Here is what I suggest you can do. Do not wait for your mother to call you. Call her yourself one day when you are calmed and not emotional.
You need to be in control of your anger and frustration, and very calm when you talk to her on the phone. When you call her, you should tell her how you feel when you talk to her and your father, and how much it stresses you out.
Explain to her that it is not making things any better by talking like that to you. Tell her you feel your life is miserable.
Check out this counseling video:
Tell them you care about your brother and your parents a lot. Also, tell her that if she keeps on making you feel you live a miserable life, then you will have to stop talking to her for a while as it’s affecting you mentally.
Be firm in your speech, but do not be rude. Speak in a gentle and kind way and keep the conversation short. If you drag on the conversation, it will only get back to where it started, so be short and end the phone call.
Conclusion
This way, she will get the message and it will make her think about it. I am sure she will understand how you feel and be nicer to you next time you talk to her on the phone, InshAllah. Do not lose hope, and never cut ties with your parents completely.
May Allah give you patience and strengthen the bond with your parents.
Amen,
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