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My Newly Married Sister No Longer Pays Attention to Me

Questioner

B

Reply Date

Nov 19, 2017

Question

I love my sister a lot, but since she is married, she gives all her attention to her husband, which is a good thing, of course, but I can’t help feeling jealous. What can I do? I feel torn into pieces and disheartened.

Counselor

Answer


My Newly Married Sister No Longer Pays Attention to Me

In this counseling answer:


As-Salamu `Alaikum dear sister,

I can feel how painful this situation is for you. Your sister, who may be the closest person to you, is now having a separate life. I know it is such a big change in your life which causes a lot of troubling emotions inside you. May Allah make it easy for you and help you move on with your life stronger and happier.

It is very normal to have feelings of jealousy in your situation. Thus, you have to allow yourself to feel that way, express it and talk about it. You have to acknowledge your pain and give yourself time to heal. If you don’t give yourself this right and instead try to bottle your emotions and pretend you are fine, you will eventually become more stressed. The anger inside you might attempt to find its way out in inappropriate, unhealthy manners at times when you are not expecting it. In addition, you would be also hindering the journey of your growth and maturity.

Thus, it is highly commended that you took the step and shared your concerns with us. Take this one step forward and try to express your emotions through talking with a person you trust and feel s/he will understand and empathize with you, be it a friend, one of your parents, etc. Don’t talk to anyone who might not be understanding and supportive or who might just try to be judgmental and give you irrelevant advice. This person you want to talk to could also be a counselor which would actually be a very good opportunity to work through your emotions and thoughts smoothly in a professional, systematic way.

Another way is to write out your feelings. Writing is one very effective way of expressing one’s emotions and tackling them in a healthy manner.

After the period of healing when you come to terms with your new situation, in sha’ Allah, maybe you could think of this change as an opportunity to rediscover yourself and what you really want. Sometimes, when we are so attached to someone, we forget about our own self. We might be so dependent on that other person for our dreams and lives. Change could be a very good opportunity for one to re-examine how his/her life is going and whether it is time to make some changes in it. It could be an opportunity for you to live the life that is more satisfying and fulfilling for you. This could also be a good opportunity to seek out other relationships and friendships that could enrich your life and provide you with much warmth and emotional support.

As for your sister, maybe it would be good to give her time as well to cope with her new life and to plan how she is going to build her new relationship with her husband. You must be aware that the first months of marriage could be one of the most difficult times in a married life. Maybe after some time when she is a bit more settled in her new life, you will be able to talk with her about your feelings, and discuss with her how you both can have times to spend together and enjoy each other’s company.

In the end, dear sister, the essential step to cope with changes, in general, is to acknowledge that this is how life is. There will always be changes throughout our lives – they are inevitable.

Another important point to always put in mind is that pain is an important part of life. We all have to go through pain as this life is not meant to be without pain; otherwise, it would be Paradise. However, it is through pain we have the opportunity to grow and become stronger and nearer to Allah if we react wisely.

Don’t forget the power of du`aa’ and seeking Allah’s support and guidance in tough times.  Feel free dear sister to write us back if you need any further support.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Layla Al Qaraqsi

Layla Al Qaraqsi has worked with islamonline.net since 2008. She has been the editor of the counseling section till May, 2013; then a counselor and writer since March, 2015. She has also worked in early childhood psychosocial development;and managed a support group in Egypt. Layla has been studying psychology and counseling since 2011 in the Islamic Online University (IOU) of Dr. Bilal Philips, University of North Dakota, and in several specialized psychological institutions in Egypt including Tawasol Center, one of the offline projects of Islamonline.net. Her studies also included group psychotherapy, psychodrama techniques, mindfulness.  You can contact her via: layla_karaksi@hotmail.com

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