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My Abusive Mother is Always Angry at Me

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Dec 05, 2017

Question

I love my mother but she has a problem. She is always angry at me and says she cares about me but she does not stop hitting me. When I was six she got a hanger and started hitting me and slapping me so much that my ear started to bleed. Then when I was 11 she got a pencil and sliced the skin down my arm. Today it was my birthday and I had been sick with a virus for a week and was very sick unable to go to school and she took the front of my hair out, kicked me in my stomach and then scratched my stomach with scissors. All I did was cry and unto my room, because when cutting my birthday cake she sat on the sofa and was on facebook and dd not even bother to wish me a happy birthday. She hits me so much and I know sometimes I can be bad but I just can not keep up with this. how can I stop this without making her angry?

Counselor

Answer


My Abusive Mother is Always Angry at Me

In this counseling answer:

“Yes, she is your mother, and Islamically you should hold her in high regard, but this does not mean that you should sit back and passively endure such abuse. However, understandably, you also love your mother and want to find a better way to deal with your scenario. Islam teaches us a number of things about how to deal with oppression that you could use to make your situation easier.”


As-Salamu Alaikum wa Rahmatulahi wa Barakatuh dear sister,

The first thing you need to know about your situation is that you are not to blame for all this. The way your mother has been treating you is entirely unacceptable. Yes, she is your mother, and Islamically you should hold her in high regard, but this does not mean that you should sit back and passively endure such abuse.

However, understandably, you also love your mother and want to find a better way to deal with your scenario. Islam teaches us a number of things about how to deal with oppression that you could use to make your situation easier.

As her child, she knows that you love her unconditionally. This is why you continue to endure such abuse. This makes you an easy target for her anger. However, it does not make her behavior acceptable.

What you might consider doing is finding someone else close to you such as another family member who you can spend some time with in the mean time. This will give you the space to have time away from the abuse as well as giving her the space to miss you and appreciate you. This will also give her the chance to find alternative ways to manage her anger as you will not be around to be her target.

Islam teaches us to repel evil with better. At the very least, the best response you can give to aggressive behaviour is to say nothing in response to her immediate action.

The fact is, it seems like she needs some help in overcoming her anger problem. Saying nothing about it in the long run will not be of use to either of you as you will continue to be abused and she will continue to use unislamic ways to mange her feelings. Perhaps something has happened in her life that causes her to harbor such anger. In this case, she really needs to seek to counsel for this. This will help her to overcome the emotional side of things as well as learning more appropriate ways to deal with her anger.

You might want to approach your local imam or ask someone who can do so on your behalf to have a talk with her about what she has been doing. He will be able to advise her on the best ways she can manage herself. It will also be comfort to you to know that someone else is aware of the situation. She may also feel less inclined to behave aggressively knowing that someone else know about her unacceptable behaviour.

Sister, I also strongly advise you to seek help from Childline South Africa. Call them, chat or write them an email. They will be able to give you the help you need.

In the mean time, continue to pray that Allah softens her heart. Find comfort in the remembrance of Allah and be confident that He can change her heart for the better. Be a good role model to her by openly practicing Islam in front of her which may also work to soften her heart.

During times where she does not behave angrily, be kind to her. As this may be, but try behaving kindly towards her. Again, this might be a way to soften her heart. People generally find it difficult to behave aggressively towards those who are kind to them. This obviously does not excuse her behaviour at all, but might be a way to improve relations between you amongst the other points listed above.

May Allah reward your patience and bring you ease during these difficulties. May He soften the heart of your mother and improve relations between you.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Hannah Morris

Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)

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