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I’m Afraid of My Father

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Jul 16, 2018

Question

Asalam o Alaikum. I would like to ask about myself. I want to be confident and want to share everything with my father or brother but due to family issues my father has become strict and he is more inclined to his uncles. I do not even like them because every time they advise him wrong. I just want a peaceful family but do not know how to create such an environment.

Every time I am afraid that my father will get angry on this matter on that matter. I do not know what to do. In every task or work, I have a phobia that this work will not be completed something will happen. I cannot even memorize my tests whenever I take a book to study. I start thinking about something else.

Counselor

Answer


I’m Afraid of My Father

In this counseling answer:

• You need to find a time to speak with your father. Perhaps if he likes tea or dessert, then make it for him and sit down with him. If you are scared of discussing this alone, then I suggest that if you have a sibling you trust and like spending time with, you bring him/her along.

• It is necessary that you engage yourself in activities that make you forget about your worries.


 

Assalamu Alaikum dear sister,

I thank you for trusting us with providing a potential solution to your current situation. I am truly sorry to hear of the troubles that you are experiencing at home because of your father’s ignorance towards his children’s feelings.

However, I would like to highlight that the entire world is not in our control. Things are bound to lose balance.

Internalize that life is full of challenges

We will certainly come across a time where our patience will be tested.

In the Quran Allah SWT said,

“And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits but give good tidings to the patient.” (Quran 2: 155)

Therefore, dear sister, your family’s current condition is a test for you. And remember, a circumstance that brings you closer to Allah is a form of Mercy from Allah SWT Himself. In certain circumstances, difficulties take people away from Allah and place them on wrong pathways. However, if you analyze the situation and the omnipotence of Allah, you will certainly feel at ease.

While I cannot truly comment on the exact reason behind your father’s behavior and his inclination towards your uncles who are not guiding him in the right direction, it may be that he is seeking advice from family members because he believes them to be wise, but unfortunately, they are not acting in the best interest of the family.


Check out this counseling video:


Effective Communication

Dear sister, effective communication holds universal importance. However, in many circumstances where one should be logical, patient, and reasonable, people often become hot-headed and lose temper. However, in these circumstances, we must realize that patience and effective communication goes a long way.

I realize that it is easy said than done, but resolving a conflict is not an easy feat.

  1. Be honest about your feelings.
  2. Communicate what you need without judgment.
  3. Make a specific and special request.
  4. Keep in mind their feelings and needs too.
  5. Make a point to mention any mistakes that you could have potentially made.

You need to find a time to speak with your father. Perhaps if he likes tea or dessert, then make it for him and sit down with him. If you are scared of discussing this alone, then I suggest that if you have a sibling you trust and like spending time with, you bring him/her along.

You need to tell your father you feel distant from him. You need to tell him that you feel is absence although he is there. You need to let your father know what you feel. However, it is necessary that when you speak to your father, he does not feel guilty. You need to let him know what you feel without acknowledging any of his negative behavior towards you and your family.

When you acknowledge his mistakes, he is prone to become defensive and the conversation will head in the wrong direction. You also need to mention that you have realized that not everyone in the family is perfect. However, perfection is a destination, it is a journey.

Destress!

Dear sister, when things go out of control, it is human nature to feel completely responsible. But this world is not in our control. Allah controls it.

Stressing over it is not the solution to anything. It is a devil’s trick to overwhelm us with feelings of unhappiness, which lead to lack of productivity and happiness. This will cause sickness, decrease our healthiness, and make us miserable overall. This is a vicious cycle and is not easily breakable once we submerge ourselves deep enough.

Therefore, dear sister, it is necessary that you engage yourself in activities that make you forget about your worries. However, your happiness is mostly dependent on your mindset and what is in you than it is what is around you.

Stay positive

Part of your anxiety and phobia comes from your inability to see positivity in the situations you are confronting every day and not being able to imagine goodness in the future. One of the best ways to be positive is to see and count the blessings that Allah SWT has blessed you with.

Fadalah bin ‘Ubaid Al-Ansari (May Allah be pleased with him) reported:

I heard the Messenger of Allah () say: “Happiness is due to him who is guided to Islam and possesses provision that suffices him for his day and remains content.” [At- Tirmidhi].

Therefore, it is necessary that you think good thoughts about the future of your family. Everyone at a given point in time is going through something they are unpleased with and something they are pleased with. However, the difference between a happy person and a sad person is that the happy person chooses to highlight their blessings more than their troubles and difficulties.

Connect with Allah

Allah SWT says in the Quran,

“Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest.” (Ar-Rad, 13:28)

True sadness and despair tend to deviate us from believing in the power of Allah. So, remember Allah often. Your degree of happiness depends on your level of connection with Allah.

 “I am near to the thought of My servant as he thinks about Me, and I am with him as he remembers Me. And if he remembers Me in his heart, I also remember him in My heart, and if he remembers Me in assembly I remember him in assembly, better than his (remembrance), and if he draws near Me by the span of a palm, I draw near him by the cubit, and if he draws near me by the cubit I draw near him by the space (covered by) two hands. And if he walks towards Me, I rush towards him.” (Sahih Muslim).

Dear sister, I pray that your days will change for the better one day. 😊

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Madiha Sadaf

Madiha Sadaf in an undergraduate student at the University of Ottawa, enrolled in BSc. with Major in Biology and Psychology with Minor in Health Social Sciences.

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