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I Hit My Abusive Father; I Feel Guilty

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Aug 16, 2018

Question

Salam. Since I was 12-13, I've been emotionally, mentally, and verbally abused by my father, in ways that enemies haven't even done to me. I have a multitude of mental and emotional problems due to his abuse. As a child, he would even go out of his way to compete with me. He would stare at me in a dark, unwavering manner, and he would do little inappropriate things in hopes of me noticing.

One day he played with the hem of his pants and told me that that was what I was going to be doing one day. When I was a teenager, he would look up 'teen girl losing their virginity' pornography. He would get annoyed and dismissive of any good thing I did in school. Overall, he was a monster of a parent.

I believe that he is very manipulative in terms of speech and has succeeded in making my mom biased. I also believe that he is resentful that I won't pretend everything is fine, despite the fact that he is still dismissive of the problems he projected onto me, and despite the fact that he STILL does little-underhanded things to lower my self-esteem. He acts as if he suffers from narcissistic personality disorder.

On Monday in the month of July, we argued, and I snapped and attacked him. I do believe I have a jinni, though, and my heart hated every second I put my hands on him.

Now I'm worried that my future is destroyed because of his dua! I believe he's always been resentful of me and my potential and has projected a lot of the complexes he feels about his age onto me. I fear he will use me wrongfully hitting him as a way to utterly destroy me and ruin any chances I have in life.

The fact that I hit him was completely wrong. I apologized. I want to know, if he makes due against me out of spite or envy, will it be answered? Am I destroyed? Is my future gone?

Counselor

Answer


I Hit My Abusive Father; I Feel Guilty

In this counseling answer:

• The need to be recognized and appreciated by one’s parents is not only a basic human need but also one of the foremost rights of children in Islam. Therefore, while what you did (raising your hand at your father) was definitely wrong, it was also justifiable given your circumstances.

• Communicate with your mother regularly. Be open with her about everything and how you feel.

• Keep yourself busy in making and achieving goals. This will not only boost your self-esteem, but it would also help you to cope better than being in an abusive environment.


Assalamu Alaykum Sister,

I am truly sorry to hear about your situation. From what I understand from your post is that your father has abused you verbally, emotionally, mentally and even to a point sexually since you were a teenager. He never acknowledges any of your achievements. He makes remarks or does things that affect your self-esteem. Recently, after a verbal attack from him, you lost control and slapped him. Although you have apologized to him, but are concerned that if your father makes duaa against you, will it be answered by Allah SWT?

Emotional Abuse

Sister, first and foremost, you should not have had to endure what you have been enduring all these years, by your father. From what you have described, you must be under a constant stress and misery because of your father’s actions and verbal abuse. Although, with time, you start getting accustomed to abuse, where you cannot do anything or raise your voice against it. However, it deeply damages and wounds one’s identity on a great level.

Raising your Hand Was a Reaction, Not an Action

I would say the thing which led you to raise your hand on your father was all the pent-up resentment and anguish that he does not acknowledge you, accepts you for who you are or appreciates you for who you are, like a normal parent. The need to be recognized and appreciated by one’s parents is not only a basic human need but also one of the foremost rights of children in Islam. Therefore, while what you did (raising your hand at your father) was definitely wrong, it was also justifiable given your circumstances.

Allah SWT Knows Best

You were absolutely right about apologizing to your father about the incident; however, as it appears he has a huge ego, it will not be easy for him to forgive you for it. He may even try to get you back for it in some way or another. If he does so, please do not berate yourself over it since you have admitted that it was a mistake on your part. As for his duaa, no father would intentionally make duaa to ruin their own offspring. If he is making a duaa against you in anger, Allah SWT will not answer it.


Check out this counseling video:


In the Quran, Allah SWT says,

“And were Allah to hasten for mankind the evil (they invoke for themselves and for their children, while in a state of anger) as He hastens for them the good (they invoke) then they would have been ruined. So We leave those who expect not their Meeting with Us, in their trespasses, wandering blindly in distraction” [ 10:11] 

You need not worry about your future to be ruined because of your father’s Duaa, because Allah SWT is indeed very just and He knows what is in our hearts.

Involve Your Family, Especially Your Mother

You should also tell your point of view about the incident to your mother and siblings so that they do not develop negative feelings for you for what happened. You have mentioned that you feel that your mother has biased views, but make it a point to communicate with your mother regularly. Be open with her about everything and how you feel. It will not only help you feel more comfortable but also help ease your burden, InshaAllah. Also, communicate with any siblings you have, communication not only makes things more bearable but you will also find a great support system for your siblings.

Try to Avoid Arguments with Your Father

I absolutely know that you do not pick up arguments with your father on purpose, while it may be the other way around. However, it is best to avoid any situations that may lead to arguments. For instance, if you feel that he gets annoyed when you share your achievements with him, stop sharing them with him at all.

In short, remove any stimulus that you think triggers his arguments or demeaning behavior. It would also mean that you maintain a safe space for him. As a daughter, you should respect that he is your father. When you come home, do greet him and exchange pleasantries. But other than that, it is best that you stop seeking approval or appreciation for yourself from him, as it would only lead to more emotional/verbal abuse.

Focus On Your Studies and Aspirations

Do not let anything affect your studies or aspirations. I know you are a talented young lady. Keep yourself busy in making and achieving goals. This will not only boost your self-esteem, but it would also help you to cope better than being in an abusive environment or a dysfunctional home where you are not acknowledged or given credit.

Ask Guidance and Mercy from Allah

Last but not the least, ask for guidance and help from Allah SWT. He is always Seeing and Hearing everything. Therefore, never feel as though you are alone or unappreciated. Try to offer five times Salah and recite the Quran. It will help you heal any emotional scars that you may have. Also, ask Allah SWT for guidance about your future goals and InshaAllah, He will help you with whatever you plan to do.

I hope and pray that Allah SWT guides you and always helps you stay on the right track.

Salam,

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Zainab Farrukh

"Zainab Farrukh has an MS. in Mental Health & Counseling and has been working as a counselor for over 3 years. She is also a Research Specialist working with Psychology professionals and students internationally. She has recently founded The WomeNetwork (www.thewomenetwork.com), where her goal is to help women get better at their game."

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