My parents are really protective of me and don’t understand how I feel. My elder brother is forcing me to wear the abaya and stay at home to clean. I feel trapped and worthless. I lose friends because my family now I am insecure and tired of life. I haven’t spoken to my dad for 3 days now and my mum is angry at me.
What do I do now I can’t take it anymore. I’ve cried too much I fail in school, appearance, religion, friends, family, and life. Please help me sort out my life before it’s too late.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Boys are not very emotional. They tend to ward off a lot of emotion and tend to be physical. They do not share the same level of emotional maturity as girls and as a result, do not think too much about how they are verbally harming if not physically. Therefore, it is very important to teach boys manners in terms of proper communication.
• You need to talk to your mom. You need to let her know that you are growing up and you need someone you can rely on emotionally.
• Your adult life is going to start soon, you need to have aspirations and goals and ambitions.
Assalamu Alaikum dear sister,
Thank you for placing your trust in us. I am glad that you are seeking to solve the issue the right way. The fact that you are seeking advice already tells me that you are a strong girl, who needs to become better at communicating your feelings to your siblings and your parents.
Dear sister, I can tell you being the youngest sister after four brothers can be a handful of trouble. However, I can tell you one thing, you will always have four brothers to lean on when you grow up.
I can understand that they are nothing but trouble for you and are not behaving in the best of manners. But this simply because as boys, they are not as emotionally mature and sensitive as you are. They are not aware of your feelings perhaps because they are not aware of how this is emotionally impacting you.
It is possible that the brothers are playing with you with games that are insulting and hurting you. Again, they are not thinking that you are taking it very seriously. They are probably thinking that after they say those words, you don’t even remember them.
But you do remember them, and this is because you are a sensitive person and a mature young woman. I think that you need to turn your maturity and sensitivity into making yourself being able to communicate with your brothers. Because you are the youngest, your brothers are simply not understanding the fact that you are a girl and handle matters more emotionally than your them.
Dear sister, you need to understand that boys are not very emotional. They tend to ward off a lot of emotion and tend to be physical. They do not share the same level of emotional maturity as girls and as a result, do not think too much about how they are verbally harming if not physically. Therefore, it is very important to teach boys manners in terms of proper communication. Even if they do not intend to harm you, their words are having a negative impact on you.
Step 1: Talk to your mom, make her your best friend
In many circumstances, moms tend to forget that their little girls are growing up and are no longer the toddlers they once used to be. You need to talk to your mom. You need to let her know that you are growing up and you need someone you can rely on emotionally.
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You need to share your feelings with her, otherwise, she will believe that you are only acting up like a young child throwing a tantrum, she will not understand the emotion hidden underneath your anger and your disappointment and sadness. You need to let her know that you are at a point in your life during which you need your mother’s emotional support and understanding.
You also need to tell your mother that your brothers’ behavior towards you is making you feel sick, unhappy and disappointed, and is making you feel miserable and lonely. Whatever you feel, let her know. Open to her. At the age of 15, if you start developing a close relationship with your mother, it is possible that the relationship will only be strengthened as you grow older.
Step 2: Talk to your dad
Not talking is always the worst thing to do. When things are not going in agreement, it is always best to talk it out. Ignoring your parents and not talking to them is by far the worst action from a child. As a daughter, you need to acknowledge your parent’s love for you and the fact that you are feeling their love. You mentioned yourself that your parents are very protective of you. Then how can you not talk to parents who are very protective of you?
Dear sister, your father loves you but is not able to show that love properly. Also, he is expecting a lot from you. He is expecting a loving, obedient, successful and well-protected daughter from the outside world. But, sometimes, what the parents feel, and the children feel does not match, and in such circumstances, feuds arise.
Therefore, you being a mature daughter needs to speak to your father and let him know how much you value his love, attention, and protection, but you want to be able to meet your friends.
Sometimes, parents consider other children to be a bad influence, and only want to protect that influence from having a damaging effect on their children. For this reason, you need to make him realize that he can trust your friends. Perhaps make him meet your friends and give a little background information about the background of your friends and their families.
Step 3: Educate your brother about Islam
Dear sister, in many circumstances, men are not properly educated about the role of women in Islam, and for some reason, many men think that keeping a home clean, cooking, and taking care of children is a demeaning part of being a woman. Your brother is simply not aware of the importance of being a righteous man.
I believe that this needs to be solved, for which you need to get together with your mom and make friends with your dad so that both can explain this to your brother. I don’t think that you will be able to teach this to him as he is older than you and probably will dismiss anything you are saying given his behavior towards you.
Cleaning and cooking are a part of life, and men and women are both supposed to do it. This mentality can only change when parents teach this to their children.
Step 4: Relax and take life easy
You are only 15! Why are you thinking of suicide, dear sister? You have parents who love you, you have brothers, you have a good healthy life.
Dear sister, your adult life is going to start soon, you need to have aspirations and goals and ambitions. Nothing of this will matter in the 10 years’ time when you will be on your way to becoming a professional and pursuing your dreams and goals.
Dealing with your brothers:
Ignore your brothers rather than responding. If your brothers are being difficult, you may have to try temporarily ignoring. You can’t engage with your them every single time they annoy you, especially if they are not very communicative.
If you don’t give your brothers the response they want (getting upset or irritated), they will tire themselves out eventually and give up on it.
Also, you need to learn to not take their insults to heart. It may be that they are trying to annoy to start up a “fight” session with you. Also, you need to get yourself involved in other activities that occupy your mind and time so that you are not completely focusing on the comments.
I pray that you find peace and happiness with your family soon.
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