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Family Problems Made Me Fell Into The Trap of a Guy

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Reply Date

Jan 07, 2018

Question

I am a girl from a broken family. My father is a dishonest person. He tortures my mom since I was 7 years old. I used to see fights and quarrels. This always makes me feel lonely and sorrowful. In that situation, I got into a relationship and that made my life another hell. It was my mistake that I fell into his emotional blackmailing, and I have some hidden pictures of mine. Now I don't think he is a good person. He is making me afraid of telling me that he is going to use these pictures in social media or tell everything to my family. He is still pretending he loves me. I have tried to cut him off, but now I don't know what to do. My study is also going in vain because of my family problems.

Counselor

Answer


Family Problems Made Me Fell Into The Trap of a Guy

In this counseling answer:

“It is not uncommon for young people to seek love outside of the family when they feel insecure within their family circle.

If he threatens you again, you can tell him you have repented to Allah and you want nothing to do with him. If he chooses to disclose the pictures, he will be the one to regret it, not you. And don’t speak to him again about it. These fools tend to fade away as they realize they have no power over you or your reactions.”


Salam ‘Aleikom my dear sister,

I am so sorry to hear that you are growing up in a home wherein your father is abusive towards your mother. While you did not indicate what kind of “torture” he did to her, if it is still going on, you need to seek help. I would kindly suggest dear sister that you seek out a trusted counselor at school or at your doctor’s office to confide in if your father is hurting your mom. Please ensure that your disclosing this information, however, will not put you in any danger. Also, you can talk to your parents about your feelings if you feel they would listen.

You may seek the help of a trusted other family member “you can try to speak to a family member or a respected community member whom your dad and mom may respect and listen to. Let them speak to your parents. I know you may hesitate about this since many times it is considered to be “shameful” to expose your problems to others, and this is often the feeling of elders. However, it is your duty to do this if you believe it can make a difference rather than wait until the situation has escalated too far to reach a solution. In this case, remind yourself that you are doing this for Allah and to preserve their relationship. So, even if they may get upset with you initially, you can hope for the mercy and pleasure of Allah.”

With that said, growing up with one’s parents fighting all the time is stressful and can lead to maladaptive behaviors and thoughts in the children. As you have not really seen a loving relationship between husband and wife (as far as I know), you have nothing as an example to go upon, except the Qur’an and how our beloved Prophet treated his wives.

In Islam, the relationship between husband and wife is a strong bond to be nurtured with kindness, love, and mercy. It is so significant that Allah Almighty mentions it in the Qur’an as one of His great signs in the world:

“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.(Ar-Rum 30:21)

Prophet Muhammad is the role model for every Muslim in all aspects of life. When you read about the Prophet’s treatment of his wives, you will be amazed by the great level of care, gentleness, love, and compassion he showed them. So, based upon just this illustration in the Qur’an as well as how the Prophet treated his wives, we can see the significance of love and kindness between a husband and wife as well as the importance of following the Sunnah of the Prophet in these regards.

While you are still young and not really at the age of marriage, what you did was haram yes, you know this. I also think you are a very pious young lady who sought forgiveness from Allah and repented. Allah knows our deepest pains, fears, and confusions.

Children, especially those growing up in a dysfunctional household, need to be guided and encouraged to follow our way of life in Islam as it is a protection, as you can see now.

As this boy is threatening to reveal pictures that should be hidden, and if you have sincerely repented, leave it to Allah. I know this sounds simple, but Allah is our protector, sister. As you probably cannot go to your parents given the situation and tell them, keep making du’aa’ to Allah that He protects you from this boy’s evil. Under no circumstances should you see him or talk to him.

The only thing I could advise you is if he threatens you again, you can tell him you have repented to Allah and you want nothing to do with him. If he chooses to disclose the pictures, he will be the one to regret it, not you. And don’t speak to him again about it. In this way, you are showing him that 1, You have repented to Allah and are back on the right path; 2, You do not fear him nor his threats; 3, that by showing your pictures, it will make him look bad as well (which it will). As you are taking the “fear factor” out of the equation, meaning if he thinks he can’t intimidate or scare you, and he has no power over you, these fools tend to fade away as they realize they have no “power” over you or your reactions.

I am willing to bet he won’t show the pictures, sister. In case he does, stand firm on the ground of your repentance. If possible, seek out the help of a counselor or other professional who can advise you on how to legally proceed if you chose to.

Lastly, concerning this episode (which is now in your past) use it as a reminder for future interactions, my dear sister. Keep all halal and within the confines of Islamic laws and you will not have to worry again about something like this.

Additionally, as you come from a dysfunctional home where there is abuse going on, in your stress and depression over your family, you may sought out “love and acceptance” in the wrong place. I say this because it is not uncommon for young people to seek love outside of the family when they feel insecure within their family circle. Sadly, sister, you are not alone. Every year, lots of young girls make this mistake, but they realize it, it passes and they have learned a valuable lesson.

I ask sister, that in sha’ Allah you seek love and confidants among your Muslim sisters. Join a group at your Masjid or school for support; socialize as well as pursuing any interest you may have regarding hobbies. Take your studies at school seriously and learn the courses being taught. Study the Qur’an at your Masjid and learn more deeply about Islam and its beautiful way of life. These and other activities will in sha’ Allah take you away from focusing on your home life and keep you busy with positive things.

Lastly, dear sister, know this will pass. I realize it is stressful and you feel fear and shame. However, keep making du’aa’ to Allah, pray, read Qur’an for proper guidance as well as encouragement. We cannot change our past mistakes (and we all make them), but we can stand strong on the word of Allah that He will forgive us if we sincerely repent. He will protect us. All we need to do is focusing on pleasing Him and the rest will work itself out in sha’ Allah. This life is full of tests and trials. And Allah knows best.

You are in our prayers dear sister. Please let us know how you are doing.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

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