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Dad Wants Me to Cut Ties with My Best Friend

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Jan 11, 2019

Question

Hello. I am an 18-year-old girl. My dad doesn't like my best friend’s dad. He is telling me that I shouldn't be friends with her because of her family. I can’t do because she's someone I have been friends with for 7 years. I don't want to throw our friendship away like that.

Counselor

Answer


Dad Wants Me to Cut Ties with My Best Friend

In this counseling answer:

• Sit down with your dad when things are calm for a talk.

• Find out what the problem is between your dad and hers. Analyze it and make an informed decision.


As salam Alaykum sister,

Thank you for writing to us. I am sorry to hear about your dad’s issues with your best friend’s father. It is sad when adults have issues with others and impose prohibitions on other family members. I can imagine you are torn as you love your dad very much and he is your dad.

On the other hand, this is your best friend for 7 years whom you love very much as well. I can imagine you and your friend are very hurt and upset by this and are not sure how to proceed. Has her dad made the same request, that she does not see you?

Informed Decisions

Sister, we all want to please our parents. However, you are 18 and an adult. This means that while you are to show respect and kindness to your dad, you are to make your own choices at this age. I would kindly suggest that insha’Allah you sit down with your dad when things are calm.

Maybe take him out for coffee or tea at a quiet cafe or restaurant. Explain to him that you love and respect him very much. Also, explain to him that it is important for you to know the exact issue he is having with your best friend’s father as it needed for you to make an informed decision. Insha’Allah he will tell you.

At this time, you do not have to tell him you will comply with the ban on her family nor do you tell him you will continue seeing her. You are just there to gather information so you know what is going on.   Think about the issue. Most likely, it is a harmless quarrel.

However, if it is something horrendous such as her father is an abuser or pedophile, then your dad is right in trying to restrict interaction. In a serious case like that, it is nothing against your best friend. It is measured to ensure you are safe.

While this is a drastic example, and I am sure this is not the reason, I illustrate this to show you why sometimes parents may make these requests.


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Disagreements

In all likelihood, it is a disagreement between your dad and hers, and that is where it should be kept. Other family members should not be brought in. The two men need to resolve their own issues. Sometimes, when disagreements happen between families, sadly whole families become off limits and this wrong.

Sister, you are an adult now. I would kindly suggest that you find out what the problem is between your dad and hers. Analyze it and make an informed decision.

After talking with your dad and taking a few days to think about what he said, you may wish to discuss your decision with your dad or you may choose not to. Either way, it is up to you.

Please, do be prepared insha’Allah to back up your decision if he asks why you are not complying. Make a list of points based on the Qur’an and authentic hadiths in regards to friendships, forgiveness, and mercy.

Insha’Allah, your dad’s issues with him will not last very long. The two of you have been friends for 7 years and based on what you wrote; this is the first time there was an issue.

Please, do consult with your dad for a more definitive explanation regarding the issue. Think about the seriousness of his claim and make an informed decision based on your life choices. Please, do make du’aa’ to Allah that this disagreement clears up, sister.

Allah is most merciful.

We wish you the best.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

Do Friends Need Prenup Agreements?

Any Friendship Between Muslims and Other Groups?

Friendship for the Sake of Allah




About Aisha Mohammad

Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word poetry projects.

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