As-Salaam ‘Alaykum brother,
It sounds like you are in a rough patch of life. May Allah (swt) give you wisdom and patience. My general advice and reminder to you are that life is meant to have ups and downs. It is not supposed to be perfect and blissful all the time. It has, indeed, many difficulties for us.
You did a good job listing everything that is a problem in your life, but I encourage you to list everything that is actually good, too; you have a job, a family, and have experienced love. Many people do not have these things. If you have life and your senses are in order, then you are a man of wealth and blessings! Surely, you have more than you think and Allah (swt) gives you and takes from you as He (swt) does with everyone. This is how we get seasoned spiritually.
Breakups hurt, no doubt. It is natural to feel what you are describing. Your pain has led you to feelings of violence towards her and yourself. This implies great despair. But you should remember that Satan promises this while God guides and give you strength in these times. All creatures are imperfect and capable of letting you down. The suffering you feel is proportionate to the attachment you have to the person. This is why our religion teaches us to only expect, invest, and trust in God above all else. God never let us down but His creation can – including those we love.
Life challenges are meant to bring you closer to God, brother. It is a way to remember your priority in existence which is to stay anchored in your Lord, not your job, family or a woman, for all of these are contingently real on God Himself!
Islam does not solve your problems; you have to solve your problems through sincere trust in God and beneficial action. Islam is a tool for you. Spirituality is a living experience that is refined through life challenges. This is an opportunity for you to grow and be patient. True spirituality is lived in face of hard times, not easy ones. There is no spirituality if you do not go through challenges. It is easy to say “I’m religious” when everything is good and there are no problems. Only in the face of struggle does your true essence come out. See this as a refining process for you and your relationship to God.
“And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to As-Sabirun (the patient).” (Quran 2:155)
In Arabic, the word “test” comes from the root word “bala” which means to test and try; prove the reality of a thing or person, esteem, and honor. Reflect on other forms of the word such as Liyabluwu (reveal your worth) and Baliya (to get polished and reveal the true face) and Tubla (to turn to its reality; expose).
These things you mentioned are opportunities from God to expose you, help you polish your inner weakness, and turn to God sincerely and utterly in trust of His power. If you believe God knows what is best, then there is a reason your partner is no longer in your life. Trust in that despite the grief, it will get easier and you must be patient.
Furthermore, please reflect on the points above; Satan quickly makes us “lose faith” when the times are tough and Satan makes us feel that God is punishing us or leaving us. This is all despair and part of the psychological challenge that we give up so easily when we are hurt. How can you become stronger? It is through events in life that expose our weaknesses and in turn develops our growth.
Seek support from friends, counselors or trusted Imams to help you recover. I advise you to say astaghferullah (I seek forgiveness from Allah) 100 times a day. This dhikr (remembrance) does have great blessings for healing the heart of pain and confusion, receiving forgiveness, and God provides you means for that, in sha’ Allah. The more you want God, the more you must offer true dependence. You must see yourself in a relationship with God and that He deserves your adoration and love above all else. When you live this way, everything in life will be easier and become clear with the permission of God.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
More from Brother Karim Serageldin
Husband Cheated on Me & It’s My Fault