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I’m Jealous of My New Auntie

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Jul 19, 2018

Question

Assalamu aleikum.

My grandma on mom's side is so kind and she's one of the most important people in my life, and we have a really close relationship. 3 years ago, my uncle got married. After that, my "aunt" and grandma bonded quickly, and after 1 1/2 years, I felt that I became jealous, not like very jealous as I am now, but just a little. Now I feel like they exclude me, we don't hang out like before and they always hug and kiss in front of me and talking and EVERYTHING to make me feel left out.

I'm very sad lately. Even though I and my grandma have a close bond, I feel like my new aunt is trying to take her away from me. My grandma describes her like an innocent, kind, timid woman...but I have a strong feeling she's faking it. When we're alone, I can observe that she gets a bit ignorant and not the one that grandma thinks she is. One time she stared at me with an evil face when we were alone after she made me feel left out.

Now, she has the evil eye. Is this my fault? Am I evil now? I'm just so very sad that she likes to do this to me. Now, because she got affected by that, grandma thinks she's so beautiful when people even say she isn't. Grandma comes to me and she'll be like "SHE'S SO PRETTY IM AFRAID SHE'LL DIE OF EVIL EYE" even though I (think) that it's because of me that envies her bond with grandma.

What should I do? I don't have the courage to tell this to my grandma at the time. Is this "aunt" faking it all? Should I make dua? I'm really sad and sorry that this was so long.

Counselor

Answer


I’m Jealous of My New Auntie

In this counseling answer:

• I kindly advise you to talk to your grandma – not about your auntie but about you and how you feel.

• If you’re concerned about your auntie’s character, please do insha’Allah speak with somebody else such as your mom.


As Salamu Alaykum brother,

Thank you for writing to us. I am sorry to hear about the issues you are going through concerning your grandma and your new auntie. You are very close to your grandmother and you describe her as one of the most important people in your life. What a blessing!

Brother, it is understandable that you feel hurt and left out concerning her new relationship with your uncle’s wife. You did admit that you felt jealous and you feel like they exclude you. Also, you don’t hang out with your grandma like before. Your observations of them hugging and kissing in front of you, as well as talking makes you feel left out and sad.

Brother, it is quite possible that your grandma is not excluding you. Maybe she does when they are having “women talk/time” but she loves you very much. You are one of the most important people in her life too.

It could possibly be that your uncle’s wife is innocent, kind, and timid as your grandmother describes. Your grandma has been around for a while and she is very wise. Perhaps that is why your grandmother felt it necessary to reach out and include her as a family- as she should. Perhaps your uncle’s wife moved from somewhere far away and was feeling scared and lonely. Or perhaps your grandma is just a very welcoming loving person.


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Love is a solid feeling. Your grandma loves you. And she also loves your mom, your uncle, and other relatives. She now loves your new auntie. This does not take away from the love she has for you. While her time may be a little more limited because there is another family member, perhaps she feels that you were old enough and mature enough to understand this. Obviously, this shift in the relationship has hurt you very much.

I kindly advise you to talk to your grandma – not about your auntie but about you and how you feel. Take her out to lunch somewhere or for some tea and sit down where it’s quiet and you won’t have any interruptions. Explain to her that you’ve missed her and you’ve been feeling left out lately. Tell her that you still need her in your life and you still want to do things with her.

Please do not mention anything about you thinking your auntie has the evil eye. Your grandma may, in fact, feel that you are jealous, and I am sure you do not want her to think that.

While jealousy is not a good thing, it is normal sometimes to feel that way. We have to work really hard though to let go of jealous feelings. They are unhealthy thoughts and feelings. Please make duaa to Allah to help you overcome these feelings.

If you’re concerned about your auntie’s character, please do insha’Allah speak with somebody else such as your mom. Ask her what she thinks about your auntie and if she is good friends with her. Please do not talk bad about her as this would be backbiting.

What you are seeking is another opinion verifying that your auntie is indeed a good person. Perhaps your mom can give you some insight that will make you feel more compassionate towards her. Often times we may think one way about a person because of the way they act and we don’t even know what they’ve been through.

Sometimes when we’re close to somebody and someone new comes along and gets their attention, we feel that it is on purpose. We can even sometimes feel that they’re doing it to hurt us! When in fact that is not the case at all.

You have been in the family since you were born and you are loved dearly. Your new auntie, on the other hand, is a new member of the family and probably feeling rather scared and not really sure where she fits in. Possibly your grandma in her wisdom sensed this and tried to make her feel included.

Insha’Allah brother, everything will work out. Please do talk to your grandma about how you feel and how much you miss her. Ask your mom about your auntie and but don’t talk bad about her because that is haram.

Lastly, please do make an effort to make your auntie feel welcomed in your presence. It could be that your new auntie senses your jealousy and she feels you don’t like her. Wouldn’t that be sad? Perhaps she would like a little nephew to hang with but is picking up the vibe that you don’t like her. Therefore, please do make an effort to be her friend. You may find that you actually like her and perhaps she will one day be a very important person in your life.

We wish you the best.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

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