In this counseling answer:
• As much as you may feel talking about is helpful for you, and to some extent it probably is, it can also have many negative consequences. So, avoid talking about previous sins.
• Repent to Allah.
• You can use this experience in a positive way to both avoid sin on your part through fear of Allah.
Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh dear sister,
Regardless of the circumstance, losing a child is one of the biggest challenges anyone can face. In your situation, you feel very much to blame and are suffering the psychological consequences of having had an abortion. As much as you wish you could turn back time, it is not possible. However, as hard as it is to grasp, you can change the way you manage this difficulty. You can find ways to make the situation more positive.
Avoid talking about previous sins
Your husband has said you should avoid talking too much about what happened as it is a sin. There are many good reasons to abide by his request. As much as you may feel talking about is helpful for you, and to some extent it probably is, it can also have many negative consequences. In sha Allah, Allah will forgive you for what has happened. To keep talking about it is taking away the Mercy of Allah. Additionally, it is encouraging you to punish yourself and relive the moment over and over which is not helpful to recovering from this distrustful event.
The act is done now and talking about it time and time again will not take that back or change anything. It will only make things more difficult. However, talking about it could help to some extent. So, if you feel it would help, you could seek counselling and save talking about it to this protected space allowing you the time to talk it all out and let go. This will make it easier to stop talking about it so much elsewhere to move on and recover.
Repent to Allah
It is clear that you are immensely remorseful for the situation, so continue to repent to Allah because He loves to forgive.
And whatever strikes you of disaster – it is for what your hands have earned; but He pardons much. (Qur’an, 42:30)
This will also help you to deal with the situation as you feel close to Allah and feel confident in His Mercy. This will make it easier to move on as your heart and mind will be more settled.
Learn from your experience
It is also clear that you have learnt a lot from your experience. It is evident that if you were to end up in this scenario again, you would not take the same path. This is one of the conditions of tawbah and one of the benefits of it, as it steers you away from committing the same sin again in the future.
You now know firsthand one of the reasons why it is not permitted in Islam and are now in a strong position to avoid the same sin in the future. But on an additional level, it has strengthened your fear of Allah and will likely steer you away from other sins that you may have been tempted by previously.
After your experience, you will feel more firm in your fear of Allah and feel less inclined to follow the guidance of others, focusing more importantly on pleasing Allah in all your actions, beyond what you have just been through.
It is this uncomfortable feeling that you are experiencing that will keep you from slipping into any sin, so can benefit you from beyond the immediate situation.
So do not weaken and do not grieve, and you will be superior if you are [true] believers. (Qur’an, 3:139)
If Allah blesses you again with another child in sha Allah, perhaps consider keeping the news to yourself and your husband for a little while so no one can convince you otherwise.
Use your experience to help others
It is clear that you are feeling great passion toward what you have been through in warning other sisters in the same situation not to do as you did. Use this passion and sorrow in you to drive and motivate you to help other sisters who may be facing the same dilemma. Offer them advice based on your own experience. Support them through the situation and use your experience as a means to guide them to make the best decision that is most pleasing to Allah. This won’t take back what you did, but it will save others from going through the same by using your experience to prevent the same happening to others. This will help you to feel some other kind of benefit of having been through what you have. It gives you the opportunity to use your experience with good intentions and purposes.
Healing and recovery take time
During this time, find comfort and solace with Allah Healing and recovery will take time. You will feel shattered for some time. But, with a bit of self-care, support from loved ones and comfort with Allah the burden will be eased and the journey to recovery will be more comfortable.
O you who have believed, seek help through patience and prayer. Indeed, Allah is with the patient. (Qur’an, 2:153)
Those who have believed and whose hearts are assured by the remembrance of Allah. Unquestionably, by the remembrance of Allah hearts are assured. (Qur’an, 13:28)
What you have been through has been distressing because not only have you committed a sin regretfully, buy you have lost a child as a result. You are carrying a huge psychological burden as a result, but there are ways to manage this sorrow effectively.
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Firstly, continue to repent with conviction in Allah’s Mercy. Be patient with the time it will take to recover. You can use this experience in a positive way to both avoid sin on your part through fear of Allah, as well as helping other sisters who might be in a similar situation.
May Allah forgive you and bring you ease in this difficult time. May Allah bring you comfort in His remembrance and guide you to make the situation better for yourself.
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