I am fifteen years old born Muslim, seeking wisdom and help. My problem is that recently I have started to wonder whether I am a true, good Muslim.
I have started to do research on my own of the hijab but still needed someone to directly address my problems to.
The thing is that my parents tell me to wear the hijab at school, which I do, however, anywhere outside of school I do not wear it and also wear makeup.
In the winter holiday, I felt that I have gotten really close to Allah (SWT) as I have really started to avoid any sins and I also now affectionately worship Allah (SWT). I was not like this before.
In fact, I didn't even used to pray five times a day. But the problem is that at the moment I do not feel comfortable wearing hijab JUST to school. I feel as though I am deceiving others and myself as a Muslim.
As a Muslim girl, I feel it is wrong to wear a "hijab" just for the sake of my parents. I have always obeyed them, have never done anything to disrespect them or even greater to disrespect my religion.
However, I feel as though this disrespects the whole purpose of a hijab. In sha’ Allah, in the future, I do wish to wear the hijab, but only when I feel comfortable myself, only when I myself have the intention to wear a proper hijab which I never take off.
But I want my parents to let me take some decisions for myself; I want them to let me become my own true Muslim; I want to find my own deen. Although, my parents pray five times a day, they do not acquire the amount of knowledge I wish to seek.
Please, tell me what to do to convince my parents that as a Muslim I don't want to disrespect the hijab; therefore I don't want to wear it JUST to school.
How do I convince them that although I understand it is their duty to teach me, they need to trust me that I will not try to seek the attention of other males?
They think that if they are not around, I will misbehave and do something which will damage our reputation. I have no intention of doing so. In fact, I just want to be a faithful Muslim.
How do I gain their trust in me? This issue has made me become really stressed out leading to lack of sleep and depression.
Please help me.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Write a list of the reasons you do not want to wear a hijab, and then on the other side of the paper, write reasons why you should.
• Wearing hijab can be fun as there are many styles, fabrics, colors, and textures to choose from. You can still be an individual and wear hijab.
• If you feel wearing hijab only to school is deceiving others and yourself as a Muslim, can you look at it from a different angle?
• Socialize and do things with sisters who already wear hijab, or those who, like you, are serious about Islam.
As-Salamu ‘Alaykum dear sister,
I am so happy to hear you have started praying and seeking a closer relationship with Allah (swt).
Ma sha’ Allah, it is a beautiful journey, and your desire for Islamic knowledge will bring many blessings in sha’ Allah, as well as many tests as the one you are going through now.
You stated that “I do not feel comfortable wearing a hijab just to school. I feel as though I am deceiving others and myself as a Muslim.”
Why do you wear a hijab?
Sister, why would you feel uncomfortable wearing a hijab if you are trying to get closer to Allah (swt) and it is commanded for Muslim girls/women to wear hijab?
Aboutislam scholar states, “I think you know that Allah (swt) has told us in the Quran to wear hijab.
“And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments except what [must ordinarily] appear thereof; that they should draw their veils over their bosoms and not display their beauty except to their husbands, their fathers, their husband’s fathers, their sons, their husbands’ sons, their brothers or their brothers’ sons, or their sisters’ sons, or their women, or the slaves whom their right hands possess, or male servants free of physical needs, or small children who have no sense of the shame of sex; and that they should not strike their feet in order to draw attention to their hidden ornaments. And O ye believers! turn ye all together towards Allah, that ye may attain bliss.” (24:31)
“O Prophet! Tell thy wives and daughters, and the believing women, that they should cast their outer garments over their persons [when abroad]: that is most convenient, that they should be known [as such] and not molested. And Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” (33:59)
Dear sister, I ask you to please write a list of the reasons you do not want to wear a hijab, and then on the other side of the paper, write reasons why you should.
You mentioned that at other times when you do not wear hijab, you also wear makeup.
Sister, it is perfectly normal to want to look pretty and try different styles, makeup and so forth.
However, if you feel uncomfortable wearing hijab because of the feeling that it may make you look less attractive, you must ask yourself: I am trying to attract the dunya (this world) or the favor of Allah (swt)?
Also, wearing hijab can be fun as there are many styles, fabrics, colors, and textures to choose from.
You can still be an individual and wear hijab. Allah (swt) forgive me if I am assuming because you are 15, you do want to experiment with style and fashion.
If this is not the reason my dear sister, please search your heart to find out what it is. This may be a transition period for you.
As a revert to Islam, it took me a while to get used to wearing hijab as well. I was not used to it. I did not associate hair with sexuality or attractiveness as I am from the West.
However, in wanting to please Allah (swt), I did start wearing hijab alhumdulilah, and I do enjoy the different fabrics, colors, and styles.
But most of all, I like the fact that I am pleasing Allah (swt) and that when I go out, people know I am Muslim.
Sister, I ask that you pray to Allah (swt) for guidance.
Make du’aa’, asking Allah (swt) to resolve any issue in your heart regarding hijab and to grant you ease.
In this world, wearing hijab is an honor identifying you as one of Allah’s (swt) servants.
Check out this counseling video:
Seeking family support
As far as your parents go, as you are only 15, yes, you have an obligation to obey them.
They are also older and wiser, and they have the life experience and knowledge to support their decisions in raising you.
Also, as you know, they are accountable to Allah (swt) for how they raise you just as you are accountable to Allah (swt) as to how you treat them, and if you are obedient to them.
You stated “As a Muslim girl, I feel it is wrong to wear a “hijab” just for the sake of it, just for the sake of my parents.”
Actually, it is for two reasons: the first is being obedient to Allah (swt), and the second is being obedient to your parents.
Dear sister, if you feel wearing hijab only to school is deceiving others and yourself as a Muslim, can you look at it from a different angle?
Perhaps, from the viewpoint that as a Muslim girl who is striving to get closer to Allah (swt), you wear hijab to school to be obedient, but also that you are in the process of dedicating yourself to a whole new way of life which includes changes that you may need time to get used to.
Step by step
Dear sister, I ask that you ease up on yourself, try your best, and strive to learn more about Islam as well as applying it to your life.
As you were born Muslim and just started practicing, often we must take it in baby steps and not be so hard on ourselves.
Yes, the issue of hijab is important. It is mandatory. I applaud your efforts in wearing it to school.
You should be proud of yourself rather than feeling stressed or depressed over it.
Sister, if you feel your depression is interfering with your daily life, I urge you to seek professional counseling in your community.
Also, the depression and stress may be an indicator that the spiritual conflict over hijab must be resolved.
Try wearing it for two weeks sister, and see how you feel. 🙂
Additionally, I urge you to socialize and do things with sisters who already wear hijab, or those who, like you, are serious about Islam and are also making changes in their lives.
By doing so, you will find much support, insight, and in sha’ Allah make lifelong friends in the process.
Seek out Muslim girl groups in your community as well as friends at your Masjid for social activities.
As far as getting your parents to let you make some of your own decisions and trust you, I would suggest sitting down with them and calmly, adult-like-discuss your concerns, feelings, and wishes for some independence.
You may be surprised to find they are very understanding.
However, with independence comes responsibility, so if you are presenting yourself as a responsible young woman, who I am sure you are, you will likely get more cooperation to make some of your own decisions.
The issue of trust with many parents is not so much that they don’t trust their children; it’s other people they do not trust and whom they fear may harm their child.
That is why they set rules, check up on you, and generally ensure you are safe and with good company.
Islamic way of life functions in the same way, to guard us, protect us and keep us from harmful ways as much as possible, hence wearing hijab.
Conclusion
Sister, again, I urge you to be gentle with yourself, yet, take a stand on hijab.
Keep in prayer, make du’aa’, ask Allah (swt) for help as He (swt) is Most Merciful and Most Forgiving.
Also, be happy with the progression you have made towards being a practicing Muslim.
You pray you to seek Islamic knowledge, and you are refraining from haram! Be happy about this for it is a blessing from Allah (swt).
We all have things to work on, we all are constantly striving.
Surround yourself with other girls who are striving, too, and this part of the journey won’t be so hard!
Salam,
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