.In this counseling answer:
• I kindly suggest that you do go to a clinic or Counseling Center for an assessment.
• You can get treatment.
• Tell your parents so they can help you.
As Salam Alaykum brother,
Thank you for writing to us.
I am sorry to hear about your issues with a possible obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). You stated that you have “very vulgar dirty thoughts about Allah and that you’re very ashamed to say it out loud”. Your thoughts are running and you cannot stop them. As I can imagine dear brother, this must be a very frightening experience.
Previous to this you had a strong relationship with Allah. You also discussed how you prayed and may dua to Allah to show you where your abode will be in the hereafter. From what I could understand, you got a negative response. I am not clear if this is due to a possible OCD disorder or something else.
Brother, you mentioned that you had problems similar to this from 8th grade on, but overcame them. This time you feel you have sunken so low that you can’t “get out of it”. You also don’t keep your prayers which is bothering you. I feel that it is possibly a mental health issue. I kindly suggest that you do go to a clinic or Counseling Center for an assessment.
I am not familiar with the mental health facilities in your country; however, there should be a counselor, a center, or a clinic that would offer free counseling for youth. You may want to begin by talking with your family doctor. Perhaps he can make a recommendation to somewhere.
Check out this counseling video:
Brother, it is vital that you get an assessment for a possible OCD anxiety disorder. I cannot diagnose you but from what you wrote it does resemble OCD, but it may be something different altogether. As you are suffering and scared brother, you need to know that you don’t have to suffer. You can get treatment. Treatment does take dedication and hard work, but I am confident that insha’Allah you will get through this and have your life back.
Please in sha’Allah, tell your parents so they can help you. You don’t have to suffer from these terrible thoughts and feelings. You stated, “I love my Lord so much I want my Allah back, I love him so much”. Brother, you can have all these good things back but you have to take the steps and get help. Please do see a counselor as soon as possible. You are in our prayers we wish you the best. Please let us know how you are doing.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.