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Between Desires & Devotion to Allah

Questioner

S

Reply Date

Dec 14, 2017

Question

As-Salamu Aleikom. I am a senior student of MBBS, and I live in a hostel. When I entered the medical college and hostel, I found its life very easy going as there were no restrictions. I used to go out with my friends (boys), and I enjoyed my life in every possible way. When I was in the 3rd year, I fell in love with a guy. For the first time in my life, I realized I was so weak in front of him that if he asked me to commit zina, I wouldn’t be able to say no to him. That was the turning point. I left him and every haram thing; friendship with boys, music, parties, …etc. I started learning Quran; made good friends who helped me to learn Islam. Eventually, I even started observing niqab. In short, after 2 years of hard struggle, I felt so close to Allah that I started feeling He is listening to me and watching me, and appreciating me when I am crying in sajoods of tahajjud. But I was unable to forget that guy. Sometimes, I was so helpless that I used to cry for him in salah asking Allah to grant him guidance and that he comes back into my life. When I entered the final year, an old friend of mine contacted me. He used to be modern like me, but now he has long beard. I started talking to him and eventually, I got deceived by Shaytan and we started dating. Despite knowing that he does not want to marry me, I dated him in a room and we did everything, except sex. I realized that I have been suffering from depression which Islam took me out of, but now instead of bonding myself with Allah, I started talking to this guy. In the beginning, I found myself happy, but now I have realized I am not happy at all. I fear to lose him, and I have a psychological dependence on him. I know until I stay in this relationship with him, I can't turn to Allah. I am depressed again, and I don't know what to do.

Counselor

Answer


Between Desires & Devotion to Allah

In this counseling answer:

“As we all go through tests and trials, we can also learn something from them. Look within yourself dear sister to see what it is that you are missing that is causing you to do haram acts. If we dig deep enough, we all can find the root of our issues and then seek to resolve them.”


As Salamu ‘Alaykum sister, 

Thank for writing to us. Your question is an important one as it addresses two things. One is the issue of “freedom” as one is often away from home and family while attending a university, or if starting a new job in a different location. The temptations can be overwhelming as you have found out. While you did fall away from Islam for a time, alhumdulillah you repented and came back into the folds of Islam, and grew stronger in your faith and closeness to Allah (SWT). Alhamdulillah that is a blessing!

The second issue raised is that whenever we seek to become closer to Allah, whenever we begin to turn away from the haram and follow Islamic principles and guidelines, there is sure to be tested. As you have come very far with your relationship with Allah, you may have been tested with missing the guy you left and now with this other guy to determine whether you can hold strong to Allah, or if you will fall away again.

Let us consider this hadith and its afterthought:

“When Allah desires good for someone, He tries him with hardships.” (Bukhari)

So know that Allah is testing us because He wants good for us, and He wants to see if we are going to come closer to him or further away from him”. As we are all tested in this life sister, it is important to know our weaknesses, and what can cause us to fall away from Allah. In your case, it is men, and you are not alone, sister; it is sadly common because it is human nature to want love and affection. However, the only thing we should be totally dependent on is Allah. When we put Him first and follow His way of life prescribed for us, we will be much happier.

I suggest dear sister that you cut off this relationship and repent to Allah, ask for forgiveness and get back on the path which you were on. Dearest sister, never be afraid to pray or go to Allah. Allah is Most Forgiving and does love when we seek forgiveness. The longer you wait, the stronger this bond and “dependence” will be on this man, and the further you will stray from Allah. There is nothing happier than a close bond with Allah, nothing comes close and nothing can replace it. I have confidence sister that if you let go of this haram relationship and look towards Allah, you will feel whole again as a person and Muslimah. Make du’aa’ to Allah that He guides and protects you and helps you through this. AboutIslam states: “If we are able to stay true to our beliefs in the most trying of times, then we will know that our faith is strong and not easily shaken. We know that we are not just saying we believe but that we truly are believers who are strong enough, with Allah’s help, to be patient and steadfast against the most difficult trials this life presents us with”.

As we all go through tests and trials, we can also learn something from them. Look within yourself dear sister to see what it is that you are missing that is causing you to do haram acts. If we dig deep enough, we all can find the root of our issues and then seek to resolve them. As you stated you were depressed and Islam helped with your depression, it is my suggestion that you also seek counseling for your depression as that may be one root. While Islam is the prescription for our ills, Allah also states that “He changes a condition of a people once they begin to change themselves”. In other words, if we have a medical issue or mental health issue, we need to pray and rely upon Allah, but we also need to address it medically or through counseling.

Lastly, as this is your second time of attaching yourself to a man after you have repented and returned to Allah (SWT), perhaps it is time you think about marriage?

You are in our prayers. Please let us know how you are doing.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad

Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word poetry projects.

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