In this counseling answer:
• Seek a husband without allowing your preconceived ideas about what all men are looking to prevent you from trying.
• Whether you do or do not find a spouse, you are still in receipt of contact reward for enduring the trial that you face with your deteriorating health and that is something to be thankful for, even if it often does not feel that way.
• Engaging in more tasks that will strengthen your connection with Allah will also increase your fear of Him that you fear to commit acts that will be displeasing to Him.
Your situation certainly is a very specific one so it is understandable why you have had a hard time finding any solution for this.
Possibility of marriage
As you have stated and provided evidence for, getting married is the first solution to dealing with the feelings that you are facing. You have also stated that this is not an option for you due to the nature of your disability. However, I would like to begin by challenging this. Just because you have a disability does not mean that you should not or cannot get married. Unfortunately, you may face more challenges than someone without a disability may face, but it is not impossible.
Whilst there are men who will disregard a woman from the start because of a disability, there are others who do not; those that marry a woman due to her personality regardless of whether she has a disability or not. Some men do understand that just because a woman has a disability it does not mean she can’t have a fulfilling marital life. I would suggest that you do go ahead and seek a husband without allowing your preconceived ideas about what all men are looking to prevent you from trying.
Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophetﷺ said, “A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So, you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser. (Sahih al-Bukhari 5090)
So, as you see the best of men will be those that look at your religion and not whether you have a disability or not.
Benefits of marriage
You can even draw some positives from your scenario. To know that a man is solely marrying you for who you are as a person and not how you look can be incredibly satisfying. Often men will marry purely due to attractive looks only to go on and find out that their spouse has a less than favorable personality as they pursue marital life. For a woman to know that she was only married on this ground she can become heartbroken as well as ending up in a failing marriage.
Of course, this is not always the case, but simply knowing that you were selected by your spouse as a result of your character can be such a blessing. This allows you to be confident that your spouse is marrying you for the right reasons. This further allows you to almost naturally filter out the men who have shallow approaches to marriage who focus more on your personality ensuring that the man you marry is a respectable and humble man.
This process may take some time and patience, but the rewards at the end will be great. Whether you do or do not find a spouse, you are still in receipt of contact reward for enduring the trial that you face with your deteriorating health and that is something to be thankful for, even if it often does not feel that way.
Allah says, “O My servants who have believed, fear your Lord. For those who do good in this world is good, and the earth of Allah is spacious. Indeed, the patient will be given their reward without account.” (Qur’an, 39:10)
Alternative ways to control your desire
In the meantime, the option to use the recommended act of fasting as a means to control your desires is not an option for you. However, there are alternative ways in which you can achieve the same results as one who is fasting.
Strengthening your connection with Allah
Engaging in more tasks that will strengthen your connection with Allah will also increase your fear of Him that you fear to commit acts that will be displeasing to Him. You can do this by increasing the amount of time that you spend making dhikr (remembrance and supplication) and reading the Qur’an for example. Furthermore, there is much to learn about Islam even for the learned scholar, so studying a particular aspect of Islam that takes your fancy is another way to increase this link.
Avoid situations that heighten the desire
You might even consider where possible doing some of the tasks outlined above in a group setting with other sisters; a study group or halaqah (seminar) for example. This will not only make the task more pleasurable for you, but it will also bring good friends into your life that can encourage you positively as well as keep you busy from scenarios where you may be tempted commit sins due to being alone. Who knows, perhaps they may even know of a good brother who is seeking marriage. This is another way to expand your network and the opportunities available to you.
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Beyond this, avoid situations that may increase your desire and make you more likely to sin, such as free mixing or even watching or reading material that may stimulate your desires further. You can also identify yourself if there is anything in particular that seems to trigger the feelings and lead you to masturbation. This will help you to consider ways to avoid such things, or at least approach them in such a way that reduces the feelings of desire.
Your current diagnosis makes you feel like it is impossible to achieve what you need and so far, you have been using less favorable means to satisfy these desires as you feel you cannot abide by those that are recommended in Islam. You are feeling ashamed of this, but these are some other ways to approach your situation that are in line with the principles of Islam.
The first thing you can do is to seek marriage. Disability should not prevent this. It adds extra difficulties but is not impossible. In the meantime, you can control your desires in other ways by strengthening your connection with Allah and avoiding the things that tempt you to fulfill your desires in a more displeasing way.
May Allah guide you on the straight path and reward your patience. May He bring you happiness in this life and the next.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.