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Trapped in The Net of a Married Man

Questioner

A

Reply Date

Dec 11, 2017

Question

Asalaamu alaykum. I hope you're well. I have a problem that I’ve had on my mind for a while now and I really need some help. I got to know a brother last year and things started out pretty friendly between us. Eventually, things between us got more intimate and we began to have sexual relations with each other. This man is older than me; I’m 18 and he’s 24-25. I later found out that he’s actually married with 2 children. After I questioned him, he told me that his wife and he were going through separation which was true. After about 2 months, I found out that he and his wife had resolved their issues and were now happily back at home living together. After this, I was infuriated and cut him off for 2 months. He then began to get into contact with me again, and all of a sudden I was back to square once again. We began to have sexual relations. One day, he asked me if I were to marry him so that our affair becomes halal. I was completely thrown off and in shock. I mean I do have feelings for him, but I couldn’t accept his proposal. I have no trust in him, he has a good heart and everything, but he isn’t a great guy. For instance, he isn’t loyal or faithful; he is involved in selling illegal substances and his name and reputation in the community isn’t great either. Of course, I considered the marriage proposal for a moment and becoming his 2nd wife, but the problem was if I had said yes, we would have got married secretly! There’s no way I could tell my parents! They would never allow it! Anyway, I refused and that was that. Meanwhile, I actually became friends somehow with his wife subhanallah. I’ve even been in their house and spent time with her. He is my neighbor. I know deep down inside it is all wrong, and I cry countless times and repent and promise myself I’m never going to sleep with him again. But subhanallah I keep going back. I tell myself nothing is going to happen, but it always does. I am way too attached to him. He has so many wrong things in so many ways, but I just can’t seem to control myself. Alhamdulilah I pray all my prayers 5 times a day and try to follow the deen, but I just can’t seem to forget him. This has been going on for a whole year now, and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m losing myself. What should I do now with him? How do I sincerely repent committing zina? What about the day I do get married? Will my husband know I’m not a virgin? I certainly will keep that and conceal the fact that I’ve lost my virginity. I wouldn’t want him to know such a thing! Please advise me.

Counselor

Answer


Trapped in The Net of a Married Man

In this counseling answer:

“Once you have repented, keep yourself busy with charity work that you enjoy, find a hobby that makes you happy, get involved in Islamic classes at your Masjid and do things socially with up-building pious sisters. Once you begin to fill your life with love for Allah and focus on Islamic values and activities, I am the confident dear sister that in sha’ Allah you will overcome all this. ”


As Salamu ‘Alaykum dear sister, 

Thank you for trusting us with your most important question and issue. Dear sister, there is nothing halal about this relationship at all. In the beginning, you stated you didn’t know he was married. Then you stated he was your neighbor, thus I am a little confused, so please forgive me.

As you know, there is no future is this relationship; it is only one that brings pain, misery and unseen tragedy. Not only is he cheating on his wife with you-you are now friends with her. He is selling illegal substances which brings into the picture another realm of unsavory characters and outcomes. You are in a dangerous situation, my dear sister, emotionally, spiritually and possibly physically should he decide to get angry or his wife finds out. I am really worried about you.

Please sister, cut him off now –and his wife. While it is sad to lose a friendship as she is the innocent one in all of this, it is better now than if she finds out. Cut him off and have nothing to do with him. Please sister, he is not stronger than your will to make things right, is he? You are giving him too much power sister, Allah is the only one who we should give this kind of submission to. Repent to Allah and ask Allah for forgiveness, start fresh, and start with a clean slate. If you still have questions, please submit to “Ask the Scholar” section of AboutIslam.

Once you have repented, keep yourself busy with charity work that you enjoy, find a hobby that makes you happy, get involved in Islamic classes at your Masjid and do things socially with up-building pious sisters. Once you begin to fill your life with love for Allah and focus on Islamic values and activities, I am the confident dear sister that in sha’ Allah you will overcome all this. But you must make serious steps to loosen these haram ties. You want a life of joy and blessings sister, not one of strife as you are experiencing now. Aren’t you worth it? Is not pleasing Allah, the Highest worth it?

As far as when you do get married in sha‘ Allah, please rest assured that any sins we commit and repent for we give to Allah and put behind us. We do not hang on to them, nor do we tell others of our past sins, including future spouses.

As far as telling your future husband you are a virgin or not, I doubt you should do it. Many women do not bleed during their first sexual experience as the hymen which partially covers the vaginal opening. It can be worn while playing sports or vigorous exercise.

What is more important, dear sister is that when you do get married, your heart is pure, your relationship with Allah is close and binding, and your desire is to please Allah and your future husband through a halal marriage. Your virginity compared to what is really important (as just described) should not be an issue in your heart or mind as long as you have repented. For example, say a man marries a virgin, then about a year after the marriage she begins to cheat on him, or is mean and nasty, or if she stops praying, or leaves Islam. What good would her virginity be at marriage if in her heart there is no goodness and sincerity? The value of a virgin is a kind of mirage when in reality people should be looking for the value of one’s intention, piety, and relationship with Allah.

You are in our prayers sister. Please do let us know how you are.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

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