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The Boy I Love Cheated on Me with a Non-Muslim

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Sep 14, 2017

Question

Assalamualaikum. I was in a relationship for 5 years with this guy. We met at the university and I thought that we could marry someday. I caught him cheated on me several times but I forgave him. He comes from a religious family. But I caught him cheating again. He told me that he slept with her and she was a non-Muslim. He also told me that he stays with her under the same room he rented for more than 5 months now. At first, he told me that he would leave her. But after some time, he suddenly expressed that he can't leave me or her. He told me that he wanted to have both of us. He told me that he needed time to pray istikhara so that he could choose between us. In my mind, it was so obvious that I am better than her. I knew that this guy has lost himself through lust and shaytaan. I knew that undoubtedly he would have just left the zina and marry me. But I was unable to give him advice because only Allah knows how much disappointed I was with him. I ended up leaving him because I was hurt. But deep down I pray and make du'a to Allah that he would someday change and maybe find me back. Every time I make du'a for him, I keep thinking about him. I know that it's not good for me. As if I can't let him go. Should I keep on making du'a for him? Thank you.

Counselor

Answer



In this counseling answer:

“I would kindly suggest dear sister that you move on with your life. It will take some time, but forget this boy and try to in sha’ Allah focuses on things that are more spiritually up building for you and your life. This, of course, includes getting closer to Allah (swt) and trusting in Him with your heart, life plans as well as any future marriage.”


As-Salamu ‘Alaykum dear sister,

You stated you were in a relationship with this boy for 5 years. I do not know what you mean by relationship, only you do and you know that in Islam we do not have boyfriends. With that said, I will leave that part of the issue between you and Allah (swt).

Regarding this boy and how he comes from a religious family, apparently, he is not that religious as he is committing zina, living with a woman and has created several times on you. It seems to me sister, he has issues.

First of all, he cannot keep his promise to you to be chaste. He cheats, he lies and worse, he disobeys Allah (swt) and commits sins. Do you want to have a possible marriage with someone like that? Don’t you feel you deserve someone who is pious, fears Allah (swt) and will be a faithful and trusted husband who will guide you (and any future children) Islamically? I feel you deserve better.

As far as him making istikhara about who to marry – you or a non-Muslim woman, as he is committing zina and disobeying Allah, I am not sure if Allah (swt) will answer his prayer. Allahu Allem.

Additionally, while you may feel you are a better choice, only Allah (swt) knows. This non-Muslim woman has not taken shahada. Perhaps she does not even see the errors of her ways. But perhaps, Allah (swt) may use this boy to lead her to Islam and she may become a wonderful Muslim. Who knows? We cannot say we are the better choice sister. Only Allah (swt) knows. However, whatever the choice or case may be, if she does end up with him and becomes a practicing Muslim, surely she would deserve better than him.

While it is good to make du’aa’ for our brothers and sisters who have fallen short or are in need of spiritual guidance, please do not do so with the intention of marrying him, sister. If you make du’aa’ do so for the sake of Allah (swt) to assist one who has fallen short.

Remember also that while we can make du’aa’ for others, it is up to that individual to want to change and repair their relationship with Allah (swt). Allah (swt) will change the condition of a people if they change the condition of themselves. In this case, it would mean that this boy stops his haram lifestyle, sincerely repent to Allah (swt) for his sins and stay on the right path. This is something you cannot change. It is between him and Allah (swt).

I would kindly suggest dear sister that you move on with your life. It will take some time, but forget this boy and try to in sha’ Allah focuses on things that are more spiritually up building for you and your life. This, of course, includes getting closer to Allah (swt) and trusting in Him with your heart, life plans as well as any future marriage.

We wish you the best, sister.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

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