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Shall We End Our Relationship for Our Parents’ Sake?

Questioner

S

Reply Date

Aug 13, 2017

Question

I live in a very conservative society where parents choose one's husband/wife; you don’t have a choice. I have been in a relationship with a guy for 5 years now. He has done everything in these years so that my parents would like him and consider his proposal. Now I am about to tell my parents about him, but I am so scared, probably because I know they will be heartbroken and our society will be very mean to them for not bringing up their daughter well, according to our traditions. I am very confused and devastated. I can't think of anything else. Please tell me is it good if I break up with this boy and ignore all his sacrifices just for the sake of my parents? I feel guilty, but I can't think of letting him go. Please tell me what to do. I don't want to feel guilty my whole life!

Counselor

Answer


Shall We End Our Relationship for Our Parents’ Sake?

Answer:

As-Salamu `Alaikum dear sister, 

Thank you for writing to us. I wonder if there is a way that this guy proposes to you through a third person who the family knows and trusts; it doesn’t have to be through you. You can just keep yourself out of the whole picture and let this third person talk to your parents about a suitor who heard about your family’s good reputation and who wishes to propose and marry from this family.

Or it could just be that this guy comes directly to your parents (not through you or anyone) and indicates that he saw you in whatever setting he knew you from (I mean the place from where you got to know each other like school, or college, or neighborhood, etc.) and that he asked about you and knew that you come from a respectable family, and he wanted to propose to you.

These are just some suggestions that this guy can propose to you in a way that eliminates the harms which could come from your parents knowing that you were in a relationship with that guy for the past years. You can also think of other, even better ways that could be more suitable to give a chance to this marriage proposal and that keeps you away from the picture.

Of course, it is my role to tell you that having a relationship with a guy outside the context of marriage is not acceptable in our religion as it is not acceptable in your culture. Therefore, my advice to you would be to sincerely repent of the period you spent in this relationship and to have a sincere intention for the coming years that this relationship will only be in the context that Allah (swt) accepts. Also, make sincere du`aa’ that Allah (swt) makes this step of the marriage proposal easy for you and the guy, and that Allah (swt) puts acceptance in the hearts of your parents and sends His blessings on your future marriage.

Another very important point you have to keep in mind is that when in sha’ Allah this guy proposes to you and your parents accept him as a suitor, you have to take your time in getting to know this guy well under this new situation. You will be able to see different perspectives of this guy; the perspectives of your parents and their opinion of him, you will see this man among his family and how they interact with each other, their family culture, their norms, their lifestyle, etc., and whether you will be able to adapt to it or not. What two people in a relationship know about each other is not at all the full picture that needs to be known before a person makes a decision of a lifelong marriage relationship.

Make istikharah and du’aa’ before any step you take. May Allah (swt) bless you and make every step in your life easy for you. Feel free to write us back if you need further advice.

Salam,

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About Layla Al Qaraqsi

Layla Al Qaraqsi has worked with islamonline.net since 2008. She has been the editor of the counseling section till May, 2013; then a counselor and writer since March, 2015. She has also worked in early childhood psychosocial development;and managed a support group in Egypt. Layla has been studying psychology and counseling since 2011 in the Islamic Online University (IOU) of Dr. Bilal Philips, University of North Dakota, and in several specialized psychological institutions in Egypt including Tawasol Center, one of the offline projects of Islamonline.net. Her studies also included group psychotherapy, psychodrama techniques, mindfulness.  You can contact her via: layla_karaksi@hotmail.com

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