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Overcoming a Threatening Boyfriend

Questioner

M

Reply Date

Nov 17, 2017

Question

As-Salamu Alaykum, I was in love with a guy of my age. We used to chat on Facebook and then exchanged phone numbers. We went on a couple of dates and I got attached to him physically and mentally. I loved him and I still love him. Once we had a fight and I called his friend to make my boyfriend understand to stop abusing me on small fights and make him talk to me nicely. His friend was my childhood/family friend I used to go to the same tuition center with. After that day, I and this friend started talking on the phone and he gradually told me that my boyfriend isn't good to me; he talks behind my back and he (the friend) knew everything about our relationships and personal chats. He said also that he (sex) chats with another girl. This made me furious as I trusted this friend’s words. He told me to make a fake id and catch my boyfriend red handed. I did that and it worked. When I showed my boyfriend the chat, he was sad and couldn’t say anything. I was angry and desolated at the beginning, but then I decided to forgive him. Then my boyfriend started going to a university where, according to him, were pretty girls and he got one trapped and kissed her. That was during Ramadan. He even went out on a date with her. I once called him and he wasn't paying attention to me. He told me to move on and said words that I can't forget. I was deeply hurt so I told his sister about what his friend told me about him. (Half of it was a lie actually.) Then my boyfriend’s friend blamed me for everything; he somehow got himself out and made me stuck instead. My boyfriend then abused me and started threatening that if I texted him or his sister again, he will send my pictures to my brother. Upon hearing this, my heart stopped beating for a while because I couldn't believe that the man, whom I used to remember in my prayers, would say such things to me. Even after this, I apologized to my boyfriend because behind his back I had talked talk to his friend. I hope he forgives me. I don't know what will happen. He hasn't seen my apology text yet; I am afraid he will start threatening me again. I don't know what to do. I am so worried and devastated. I still love him. I cry all the time because I can't believe I trusted him. Please help!

Counselor

Answer


Overcoming a Threatening Boyfriend

Answer:

As-Salamu ‘Alaykum my dear sister,

I am sorry to hear about this situation. I would first like to take this opportunity to share the attribute of Allah Al-Wadood (The Most Loving) with you, because I believe it can in sha’ Allah strengthen one’s faith and hope in Allah’s mercy which is one of the greatest ways of dealing with difficult times. I also wanted to share this attribute with you to imagine The Creator and The Sustainer of the universe, who needs nothing from us, telling us that He loves us and showers us with His gifts and how, in return, we, weak and fragile human beings, should reciprocate this love for Him (SWT).

Allah (SWT) created us with feelings of love and as hard as it may seem with all of the temptations of this world, the greatest love we should have is for Allah (SWT), because without His infinite blessings and grace, we would be nothing. Our hearts can’t beat a single beat without the will of Allah and we can’t take a single breath without the grace of Allah. Our eyesight, our hearing, our minds, our emotions are all gifts from Allah. And the best way to thank Allah for these gifts is to protect them and use them in the way which He pleases.

You mentioned you were ‘in love’ with this boy. I want to remind you my dear sister that  “true love” at the right time, with the right person, under the right Islamic guidelines is a beautiful and pure love because it is not just based on ‘lust’ and ‘desire’. This type of love that is for the purpose and in the context of marriage is described so beautifully in the Qur’an as:

“And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put Love and mercy between your (hearts), verily in that are signs for those who reflect.” [Surat ar-Room 30:21]

Remember, you are honored in the sight of Allah (SWT), and Allah (SWT) clearly speaks about women not taking ‘male friends’ who become ‘secret lovers’ in the Qur’an when He says:

So marry them with the permission of their people and give them their due compensation according to what is acceptable. [They should be] chaste, neither [of] those who commit unlawful intercourse randomly nor those who take [secret] lovers.” (Surat Al-Nisa 4:25)

If we want blessings in our future – including our marriage – and in sha’ Allah in our future children, it is important to be mindful of Allah (SWT) and ensure that we follow the steps laid out for us when dealing with the other gender. Even when two people are getting to know each other for the sake of marriage, the potential husband should approach the family first with a proposal. Also, the two potential partners should not be alone (until the marriage contract has been signed), should speak respectfully, and in the presence of family members, including the woman’s guardian if he is available, and if not, a third respected party (preferably from the girl’s family – ex: brother, mother, aunt, uncle, grandparent). Islam does not permit dating, which is ultimately a form of protection and honor for both the man and the woman, to ensure their modesty is protected and their hearts are not broken.

We are all humans and prone to making mistakes. What’s important is that we repent and ask Allah to forgive us, stop the sin, vow not to do it again, and if it involves hurting someone else, seek their forgiveness or if it is not possible, then at least make du’aa’ for them. Please, keep this in mind for next time my dear sister so that you avoid any unnecessary heartbreak in sha’ Allah and rest assure that Allah is the Most Forgiving as we are told in the Qur’an:

And He is the Oft-Forgiving and Loving” (Al-Buruj 85:14), and not to despair in Allah’s mercy; “Say: O My slaves (humankind) who have been prodigal to their own hurt! Despair not of the mercy of Allah Who forgives all sins. Lo! He is the Forgiving, the Merciful.” (Az-Zumar 39:53) 

In fact, we are told that “Allah the Exalted is more merciful with His slave than this woman with her child.” (Al-Bukhari) Also remember,

Whoever fears Allah, Allah will find a way out for him (from every difficulty) and He will provide for him from sources that he could never have imagined.” (Quran 65:2-3)   

You are still young ma sha’ Allah my sister, therefore my advice is to protect your heart and your love for the time you are ready to start considering marriage once you are more prepared and the suitable husband, who is conscious of Allah, will also be prepared to take care of you, provide a good life for you, and take care of your heart and your honor. Take the time you have now to learn more about the religion of Allah by learning the Qur’an and about other Islamic sciences. And once again, strengthen your relationship with Allah (SWT) for ultimately only He has the power to heal us and to mend what is broken. For learning about the meanings of the Qur’an, I highly recommend br. Nouman Ali Khan’s lectures which can be found on YouTube. We are told about the Qur’an being a great source of healing, guidance, and mercy for us:

“O humankind! There has come to you a good advice from your Lord and a healing for that (disease) which is in your breasts — a guidance and a mercy for the believers.” (Yunus 10:57) 

Take time also to improve your skills in areas that are of interest to you and continue with your education so you can increase your confidence and self-esteem. Remember, before expecting others to love us and be kind to us, we have to love and be kind to ourselves while remembering that we are imperfect and have shortcomings that we try to overcome by  seeking help from Allah (SWT) to Whom all  perfection belongs to.

Also, keep yourself busy with doing good and having good and righteous friends. Visit your masjid, volunteer for a good cause, and ask Allah (SWT) in your prayers to keep you on His straight path and protect your heart. In the meantime, my advice is to immediately cut off all ties – Facebook, text messages, phone, meetings – with this boy and any of his friends or relatives. Should he contact you again, you may wish to tell him that you are now aware that dating is not permitted in Islam and that you want to grow closer to Allah and hope he will fear Allah too and not do anything to cause you trouble.

As hard as it may seem, continue with your plan of saving your heart and love for marriage and for the suitable husband in sha’ Allah. Stay away from the things that can lead you into this kind of situation again which include being very professional and respectful when dealing with the opposite gender, dressing modestly, and not being alone. Continue striving to become closer to Allah and ask Him for His guidance. Remember the Prophet’s saying: “Whoever gives up something for the sake of Allah, Allah will substitute him with something better.” (Ahmad) That something better may be the sweetness of faith and closeness to Allah that you feel in your heart or in sha’ Allah a God-conscious, loving husband in the future – Allah knows best. He gives us what we need, subhana’Allah. And my last advice to you is

“And seek help through patience and prayer, and indeed, it is difficult except for the humbly submissive [to Allah].”(2:45)

My sincere prayers are with you so that you overcome these difficult times. Remember to ask Allah to fill your heart with His love, and those whom He loves, and doing that which brings you closer to His love.

Salam,

***

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About Um Hadi

Um Hadi has BA in Psychology & Education and acquired certifications in Leadership, Life Coaching, Adults Training, and Relationship Coaching. She is currently completing her Masters in Educational Leadership.


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