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My Husband-to-be Is Not Suitable for Me?

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Oct 18, 2017

Question

I recently got engaged. I have never met the guy, just saw him, never talked to him. He belongs to our extended family. Now, the problem is I said yes under societal pressure. My parents asked me and because people around me kept worrying me with my age, I said yes. I was hoping things wouldn't proceed because my parents will realize that the fiance's family's financial position is the point. But my parents looked for the best and said yes to them. I was engaged but ever since I have been depressed. His whole family depends on his pay which is just a starting pay in his job. The main thing is our family used to support his family, and I feel we will never be able to see each other on an equal level. I don't ever want him to feel low, but ever since my engagement, I keep feeling worthless and my self-esteem is down. I feel I deserved someone more established. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it. Moreover, everyone, including his sister tells me that he is very very quiet. I am opposite and love to talk and confident. This incompatibility also bothers me. I pray istikhara almost every day. Still, my heart isn't satisfied. I can't say no. Some complicated family history. And my saying no will create rifts and make my parents very unhappy, which I don't want. Please help me. I have tried starting an online business to keep occupied and try to be financially independent, but I haven't been successful in that. All of this makes me depressed and wishing for an escape. Tell me what to do?

Counselor

Answer


Husband-to-be Suitable

In this counseling answer:

” I would first recommend you get to know this man without preconceived ideas or notions. We cannot pick our families  (and it is not his fault your family had to support his family) but we can pick our spouses. I would kindly suggest dear sister that you get to know this man first, then make a decision.”


As salamu alaykum dear sister,

Shokran for writing to us with your concerns.  Sister, it is your right to marry whomever it is (providing they meet the Islamic requirements) that you feel you are compatible with, to one whom you feel compliments you and you him; to one who you would be happy with and he will be happy with you.

While your parents have your best interests at heart, it is you who will be actually married to this man and have to live with him.  If you are unhappy now, chances are you may be even unhappier when and if you marry him.  As you are engaged at this point, you do have choices.  Regardless of causing family rifts or causing drama or hurt feelings, it is much better to end this now rather than go on to marry him and possibly live a life of misery.

I would kindly ask you, however, to do one thing sister- get to know him!  There is nothing haram about getting to know a potential future spouse by spending time with him in a halal setting.  As you stated you have only seen him but never met him, perhaps you should make efforts to set up meetings wherein the two of you can discuss things and get to know one another.

Please do bring a list of questions and issues you have regarding your proposed life together such as how many children you both would like,  how you both will live and where, etc.  Also, you may want to inquire about his interests and hobbies to see if you have anything in common there.  Ask about his Islam and if he is actively practicing. Share your dreams and plans for the future and ask about his.

While the financial issue is one of concern,  perhaps it is an honorable thing that he is dedicated to working hard to provide for his family rather than just sitting back or rather than just taking all the money for himself.  This shows he is responsible sister and will likely take care of you as well.  Granted perhaps not in the way you are used to, but his efforts are there.

You may want to ask him about his future plans for his career and money management. Perhaps this entry level job is one he does not plan to keep but perhaps he is motivated to acclimate in his field of work.  The thing is sister, you may never know about him or his plans, goals, hopes, and dreams unless you talk to him and get to know him.  You may be pleasantly surprised at who he actually is, rather than what you have heard.  There is often a big difference!

Often times we miss out on Allah’s blessings and the good things Allah has for us because we think it is not for us or we don’t take the time to get to know a person or situation.  I would first recommend you get to know this man without preconceived ideas or notions. We cannot pick our families  (and it is not his fault your family had to support his family) but we can pick our spouses. I would kindly suggest dear sister that you get to know this man first, then make a decision.

If it turns out there is no connection at all and he is totally not your type and you cannot see a future with this man, then, by all means, call off the marriage.  Again, this is your right as a Muslima and really it is his right too.  What man would want to be married to someone who does not respect or like him?  So by calling off the wedding, you are doing yourself, him and both families a favor as a future marriage than is unhappy and miserable will only bring pain to all involved.

Please do explore your options to get to know him first dear sister,  insha’Allah you will discover a person whom you like and respect.  However, if you still feel there is too much incompatibility, call off the marriage no matter the consequences.  You have the right to be happy and so does he.

You are in our prayers dear sister, We wish you both the best.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.




About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

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