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In Love with My Best Friend’s Ex

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Jan 11, 2017

Question

As-salamu Aleikom. I fell in love with my best friends' ex, and we started to get very close. She loves me and we met few times and involved in hugging and kissing. We did not commit zina (alhamdulillah). I feel disgusted and ashamed of myself. We decided to cut that haram relationship because of the extreme guilt, therefore we decided to repent and wait until we can get married in halal way. Now I am waiting for her and she is waiting for me, but I keep getting double thoughts about whether I should marry her or not. I like her a lot and I make dua for her almost every day, but I feel I cannot trust her because of her past with me. I really need your help.

Counselor

Answer


In Love with My Best Friend’s Ex

Answer:

As Salam ‘Aleikom brother,

Thank you for writing to us. I will try to help you the best I can, In sha’ Allah.

First of all, you both have committed a big sin by being intimate with each other. It is not allowed in Islam to have any physical relationship with the opposite gender outside the marriage. You have both committed sin equally by kissing and hugging, but have also repented for your wrongdoing which is very good.

Truly, Allah loves those who turn unto Him in repentance and loves those who purify themselves.(2:222)

You want to marry each other, but it looks like you are getting doubt about her character because she has been with you in the past. Trust is probably the most important ingredient in building an intimate relationship between husband and wife. If you want to marry her, then you have to understand that trust will have to come first.

“To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved(George MacDonald). It is crucial to know the role of trust in a relationship, especially in a Muslim marriage. What is it about her that you like? Every human being commits sin, and nobody is perfect. If you can’t trust her, than it is no point in wasting her and your own time.

Trust is:

  • the basis of your Islamic marriage contract
  • what glues the hearts and souls of two different, sometimes seemingly incompatible, people together
  • what helps you understand your life-partner’s needs, preferences and annoyances
  • what keeps you and your spouse going when the storms of stress, arguments, financial distress, anxiety and external interferences hit your relationship
  • what Allah (swt) asks us to have in Him for final results, after doing our effort (Tawakkul)
  • what Allah (swt) told us to fulfill:

“Fulfill your promises that you will be questioned about them.” (17:34)

Not surprisingly, truthfulness (Sidq) and trust (Amana) were the primary qualities that attracted Khadija, may Allah be pleased with her, to the Prophet (saw). The entire relationship of the first two Muslims in Makkah was founded on these remarkable qualities.

You both were swayed by emotions and you both regretted and repented. Allah (swt) has guided you to realize your mistake and the best thing to do now is to turn to Allah (swt) in sincere repentance.

If you truly want to marry her, then ask for her hand from her parents and marry her. Don’t meet her alone or get physically involved before marriage.  If you doubt her because of her past with you, then she can do the same about you. Don’t judge her for her past. I am sure she is not happy about what happened between you in the past. Make sure that your relationship/marriage is based on trust, otherwise it will be hard to carry on.

May Allah (swt) forgive you both for your mistakes and guide you on the right path, In sha’Allah.

Salam,

***

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About Hadia Ali

Hadia Ali is a 27 years old Pakistani Muslim woman, born and bred in Norway. She has obtained her bachelor's degree in Sociology from Norway. Currently, she lives in the UK with her husband and two children. Email: micha.agr@gmail.com

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