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I’m Having a Crush on My Atheist Colleague

Questioner

I

Reply Date

May 09, 2018

Question

A new worker got hired at my workplace, and I was socializing and mingling with him a lot and alone. Then I stopped because I developed a crush on him, and it’s hard because I’m a Muslim girl and he's an atheist. We got along fine, but then he blocked me on social media. I can't get over him. Many things happened at the work place which reminds me of him. When I finish the workday, his locker is next to mine, and we leave at the same time, and when I change my uniform, he's next to me. He also happens to go with the same bus as me.

I’m in love with this boy although he is much younger than me. He’s 17 and I’m 25. I can't stop thinking about him. I have to see this person almost every day as we work together and I avoid him, but it’s uncomfortable. And it’s hard to see this guy mingling with other girls. I don't know anything about him, yet I let my heart craving for this guy told him. He doesn't make friends with me and doesn't care about me. I told him about my crush on him, but he isn't interested.

In addition, my life is really hard without much emotional support from my parents. My dad passed away and this boy reminds me of him. I don't know what to do. I feel used. How can I avoid this problem in the future? How can I interact with men without starting to like them? It always happens that I start liking them.

Counselor

Answer


Crush on My Atheist College


In this counseling answer:

• It is possible that what made you attracted to him was the attention he gave you in the first place.

• The first and effective step to overcoming someone is not seeing, hearing, or reading about the person.

• Change your schedule if you can’t deal with him or be patient and with time the feelings will go away.


As-Salamu ‘Alaikum Sister,

First of all, you will not like every man that you will work, study or interact with. I don’t see why you feel in love with this boy. Reading your question, you mention how much you got involved with him, but you did not mention anything that makes him special. What character traits does he have? It is probably because you aren’t really in love and this is a crush; a strong pull or attraction to someone even when we know nothing about them. It is usually physical attraction or fantasy attraction (we create a self-appealing image of the person and fall in love with this image).

You mention that you lost your father and it seemed to be recent. What I believe happens is that you are trying to fill this void of masculine validation which you no longer have since the loss of your father, God rest his soul. Think about it sister; this boy is 17 years old, his experience of life is very limited and his own personality is not yet fully established.

It is possible that what made you attracted to him was the attention he gave you in the first place. With your main masculine figure no longer around, you had to find this validation with someone else, and it happened that you met him around the same time you were lacking attention. On the top of that, you mentioned you don’t have emotional support from your family, so it is clear that you found in your co-worker the validation you don’t have at home.

I understand that is might seem too practical and hard to understand at first. But try to put your emotions aside and use your reason to acknowledge that this feeling is not real love, and I assure you it will go away with time and focus elsewhere. Furthermore, Allah tells us:

“As for the one who is conscious of Allah, He prepares for him a way out. And He provides for him from sources that he could never imagine.” (Qur’an 65:2-3)

Right now, you feel confused and find it hard to overcome your feeling, but remember sister that Shaitan’s primary job is to divert believers from their path. His whispers convince you that this lust is real love, and this forbidden relationship is so appealing. Be strong and seek refuge with Allah. If you can’t avoid this boy because he is a co-worker, maybe change your schedule if you can’t deal with him and it would make things way easier. Or be patient and with time the feelings will go away. If it isn’t possible, ask your manager to change your locker, or try anything to avoid close contact with him.

It is actually good that he blocked you on social media. The first and effective step to overcoming someone is not seeing, hearing, or reading about the person. I know it is not easy and one is curious, but to keep in mind that to look for the person through social media, email, or text won’t help the process. There is no such thing as “we can be friends”. It all could be avoided if you haven’t spent time alone with him in the first place, and that is why Allah commanded male and females never to be alone. You have a professional relationship with him which should be restricted to good manners and that is all.

Other than avoiding physical and social contact, start doing things you love outside work and keep yourself busy with other enjoyable and productive outlets. Learn the lesson here Sister and give it time; you will move on. This crush you feel now will pass.

May Allah guide you on your journey,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

6 Tips to Move on From a Crush

Is It Real Love or Just a Crush?

I Fell in Love with an Atheist




About Karim Serageldin

Karim Serageldin, founder of Noor, completed his BA in psychology & religion, followed by an MA in east-west psychology with a specialization in spiritual counseling. He is a certified life coach with years of teaching and community outreach experience. His practical work and research includes developing a modern framework of Islamic psychology, relationship, family and youth coaching. He provides seminars and workshops in the United States. You can contact Br. Karim at: http://www.noorhumanconsulting.com or facebook.com/noorhumanconsulting

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