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If Not My Husband, Can’t He Be My Friend?

Questioner

S

Reply Date

Aug 21, 2018

Question

About a year ago, I met a boy online and we became very close. Ten months ago, I found out that he had married someone of his parents’ chose. I was very shocked when I learnt that, and I wrote to him. He replied back saying he wanted us to stop contacting each other.

I have been trying to forget him for many months now, but it has not worked. I still cry when I think about how he could have done this to me, and it feels worse now that he has stopped wanting to be my friend. He had to get married. I understand this, but does this mean the end of our friendship, too?

I have tried praying, reading the Qur’an to forget about what happened, but something always reminds me of him again. Sometimes I even think of killing myself to forget the pain. I think I will go crazy. I want so much to write to him and hear how he’s doing. Please, please help me find a way out of this.

Counselor

Answer



In this counseling answer:

• You are not related by blood; therefore, this relationship cannot continue under the eyes of Islam.

• The more active you can be in doing practical and interesting things, the more likely this relationship will be relegated to your past.


As-Salamu ‘Alaykum sister,

We feel that you are being unfair to yourself by insisting that the relationship continues in whatever form possible.

Your love for a thing causes blindness and deafness. (Abu Da`wud)

By your behavior, you are only prolonging the agony because you cannot change the fact that he is married. Surely, you cannot expect him to continue an illicit relationship behind his wife’s back, no matter how innocent. You are not related by blood; therefore, this relationship cannot continue under the eyes of Islam.

Virtual friendships between men and women who did not previously know each other may seem to be innocent and free from the likelihood of physical intimacy, but intimacy is not only the jurisdiction of the body, as you have discovered. Deep emotions expressed by whatever means also create an intimacy, are prone to the exploits of the imagination, and choose to remain unaware of the reality of the relationship. Until you are willing to let go completely, you are, indeed, leaving yourself prey to these emotions and hence the pain.

He has been honest with you by telling you what has happened by ending the relationship and by responding to what should be your final communication to him. As hard as things might seem right now, once you let go, the process of emotional healing will begin to take place. The more active you can be in doing practical and interesting things, the more likely this relationship will be relegated to your past.

In sha’ Allah, try to join a young Muslim women’s group and learn more about Islam with your sisters. It will not only help you to make new friends and to develop new interests, but it will also help you to reach a deeper level of self-understanding. In the long run, all this will help you to find a more suitable person for marriage, because then you will be more appreciative of who you are and what your needs actually are.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

Real Talk: Can Men and Women Be “Just Friends”?

Friendship Between a Man and a Woman?

Physical Contact Between Friends of Opposite Sex: Why Not?




About Hwaa Irfan

Late Hwaa Irfan, may her soul rest in peace, served as consultant, counselor and freelance writer. Her main focus was on traditional healing mechanisms as practiced in various communities, as opposed to Western healing mechanisms.

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