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I Want to Marry My Friend, but She’s Not Interested

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Aug 13, 2017

Question

A-salamu aleikom. I am 30 years old and I have a friend. I know her for 9 years. We are very good friends and have lots of respect for each other. I have helped her in each and every moment and have taken care of her. Suddenly, I fell in love with her and I told her about my feelings and asked if she will marry me but she said no as she says I'm her good friend and nothing else. Later on, we discussed this talks as she told me she does not have any feelings and doesn't want to marry me. I can't forget her. I never use to offer namaaz but later on, I started praying 5 times and have been praying for her. I get concerned about her as she stays in Dubai for work purpose. She knows that I can take care of her but she says that she doesn't consider me as a husband because we are friends.

Counselor

Answer


I Want to Marry My Friend, but She's Not Interested

In this counseling answer:

“As she already expressed that she is not interested in marrying you, instead of focusing on her, start to engage more socially, meet new brothers at your Masjid and go out for enjoyable times along for worship. In time, these activities will take your mind off of her and in sha’ Allah, Allah (swt) will place the wife he has for you in your life.”


As-Salamu ‘Alaykum brother,

Thank you for writing to us. I am sorry to hear that the one you desire to marry only sees you as a friend. Marriage, in fact, should be based on a good friendship! You both have known each other a long time and appear to be close. Sadly, this often happens when two people start off as friends and one or the other cannot switch out of friends mode, thus the idea of marriage would be a strange concept. This happens sometimes in work and university situations wherein a friendship form based on shared school work or employment tasks, no intention of marriage is said, nor does any harm come to mind.

This is why Islam prescribes certain etiquettes in regards to the interaction between men and women so that situations such as this does not happen.

In situations such as these wherein the limits were already set to co-worker relationship/friendship, it is often if not nearly impossible to switch to a romantic mode which is needed for marriage. By stating “romantic” I mean the attraction one sees when looking at someone and feeling this is someone who looks nice, let me inquire as to their character, their Islam as well as our commonalities for marriage.

A close friend once said to me “Why don’t you marry (insert name)”. I was shocked and stated, “Wow, we have been coworkers for almost 10 years, he is like a brother to me. This would feel too strange.” Now, it wasn’t because he wasn’t attractive because he was. He was also intelligent and a pious Muslim. However, our “relationship” was one which started as co-workers and over the course of 10 years, in my mind that is how I saw him: my coworker and brother in Islam, and there was no way I could change how I felt. Now, had I met him initially for purposes of marriage, things might have turned out different.  However, that was not how my mind was thinking for 10 years.

My suggestions for you, brother, to not take her rejection personal. For her to reverse her mind to look at you as a potential suitor may be difficult at this point. She will not likely change her mind as it has been kind of programmed that way. Accept your position as a friend, as a co-worker, and look for a wife elsewhere. Had you met under different circumstances, it may have turned out differently, but Allah (swt) had other plans.

Because of this friendship, you also seemed to have strengthened your worship and Islam as you stated you started praying 5 times a day wherein you did not before. Perhaps Allah (swt) brought this “friendship” to you for exactly that reason. Your prayer and your relationship with Allah (swt) is the most important relationship in your life that you will ever have.

With that said, dear brother, I encourage you to keep seeking Allah (swt), continue actively practicing Islam and seeking His guidance. Do not feel hurt because she does not want to marry.  Continue to value this friendly relationship on halal terms and seek out interests for marriage elsewhere.

Instead of focusing on her and worrying about her in Dubai, start to engage more socially, meet new brothers at your Masjid and go out for enjoyable times along for worship. In time, these activities will take your mind off of her and in sha’ Allah, Allah (swt) will place the wife he has for you in your life.

However, you will have to let go of the feelings of love for her as Allah (swt) will want you to feel love for your wife, not another. With time, prayer and faith, you will succeed at this, brother.

We wish you the best.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.




About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

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