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How to End My Haram Relationship with This Guy?

Questioner

A

Reply Date

Dec 30, 2017

Question

Salam. I want to ask you a very serious question. I am very depressed due to one of my mistakes I did in the past when I was in 8th class. I had bad friends and I was involved in a relationship with a guy. Now I am in 10th class and feel ashamed, and that is why I did to myself all this. I am still with him and can’t leave him because then he blackmails me. He is very loving, but on the Day of Judgment what I will say to ALLAH? I am very bad. He doesn’t take this issue seriously. I want to end this relationship because we don’t have any guarantee that we will be husband and wife in the future, and I only want to be a good Muslim. Please help me!

Counselor

Answer


How to End My Haram Relationship with This Guy?

Answer:

As-Salamu `Alaikum dear sister,

Thank you for your question and your trust. May Allah reward you abundantly for wanting to be on His path, and may He replace all your bad deeds with good ones.

I’m so sorry dear sister for the situation you are in now. I know it must be a difficult situation for you. May Allah guide you to a way out very soon in sha’ Allah. Of course, I agree with you sister that you have to end this relationship right away. According to what you say, there is no guarantee that you will both get married, and I guess this relationship is not known to your parents, therefore it cannot be considered as an engagement according to Shari’ah, which is a declared consent that you both are in the process of marriage.

This is besides the fact that there are several things you say about the guy which make him untrustworthy (we pray Allah he will be a better person in the future). You say he is a loving person, but how when he is ready to harm and blackmail who he loves? This means he doesn’t really love you and care for you. It is most likely that he is just enjoying his time and taking advantage of you. Also, you say when you talk about the Day of Judgment and what you will be able to say to Allah, he doesn’t take it serious; this is a great red sign that he is not God-fearing (may Allah guide him to His path) which makes a person totally untrustworthy. In addition, this is an abusive relationship that you have to protect yourself from immediately and never allow any person to harm you.

Dear sister, I have to tell you there is much information I am missing to be able to provide you with the appropriate help. For example, I don’t know to what extent your relationship went or what you mean exactly when you say ‘and that is why I did to myself all this. ’What have you done to yourself? What kind of blackmail would he use against you? What do you think the harms and negative consequences on you will be if you really leave him? I suggest that you send us back more details about the situation; hopefully, we will be able to provide you with more help.

Another solution is that you search for a trustworthy adult whom you know and feel comfortable with, and who can understand you and your situation and is ready to support you. This can be a teacher, a school counselor, an older friend, a relative. Talk to that adult and tell her about the whole situation and that you are insisting on leaving that guy but that you are afraid he would blackmail you.

In the meantime, maintain the relationship between you and Allah and resort to du`aa’ as much as you can. He will in sha’ Allah light up the way for you and send you the necessary help.

Also, try to gradually focus on finding a good company; this will be a good support for you and will be a good source of emotions and warm relationships you surely need. We all need to be among people who love us and who we love, and that is why we sometimes get involved in bad relationships which we might think at first will provide us with that love and care we need. However, we have to be careful in choosing the relationship that will be good for us and our well being. I don’t say that we will never do mistakes in choosing our relationships; we are humans and we do mistakes all through our lives. Thus, is natural that we slip down, but the good person is he who learns and grows from his mistakes.

Please feel free to right us back. We really want to help and support you.

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, it’s volunteers, writers, scholars, counselors, or employees be held liable for any direct, indirect, exemplary, punitive, consequential or other damages whatsoever that may arise through your decision or action in the use of the services which our website provides. 




About Layla Al Qaraqsi

Layla Al Qaraqsi has worked with islamonline.net since 2008. She has been the editor of the counseling section till May, 2013; then a counselor and writer since March, 2015. She has also worked in early childhood psychosocial development;and managed a support group in Egypt. Layla has been studying psychology and counseling since 2011 in the Islamic Online University (IOU) of Dr. Bilal Philips, University of North Dakota, and in several specialized psychological institutions in Egypt including Tawasol Center, one of the offline projects of Islamonline.net. Her studies also included group psychotherapy, psychodrama techniques, mindfulness.  You can contact her via: [email protected]

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