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I Can’t Stop This Haram Relationship

Questioner

F

Reply Date

Nov 12, 2017

Question

As-Salaamu ‘Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barkatuhu. I am a religious girl Alhamdulillah; I pray five times a day, I’m doing my bachelors in Islamic studies at Islamic Online University. Two years ago, I met a guy on Facebook. He's 25 years old and I liked his profile because there were so many posts about Islam. We talked only about religion and I felt that this is the person I would like to get married to. I proposed to him and he accepted my proposal. We started chatting and then talking on the phone. We talked to our parents about this and they were happy. We hadn’t met each other as he lives around 100 km away from my place until he came along with his family to my home last year. Everything went well, but his mother wants his sister to get married first. It’s been almost two years. Although we don’t meet each other, I feel bad because I pray to have my wedding, but my prayers are not getting answered. I have left music and movies, but I still feel that the barrier is our haram relationship. I discussed this with him and he told me that he couldn’t do it without me and that we were just talking on a phone which is fine. But I still feel that I must stop all these stuff and wait for the time when he can finally marry me. My heart says I should stop this haram relationship, but something is stopping me from this. I love him so much and he loves me, too. Please advise me what to do, and please tell me how I should tell him about this. JazakAllah kahyran for your efforts.

Counselor

Answer


I Can't Stop This Haram Relationship

In this counseling answer:

“I would encourage you to be open and honest about your feelings from the start. Let your fiancé know how you feel about your phone conversations and hear what he has to say. Do not shy away from discussing your feelings; this is an essential part of a healthy marriage. The both of you should not hesitate to be open with each other and to be mindful of each other’s feelings and needs.”


As-Salamu ‘Alaykum Sister,

Thank you for sending us your question. I ask Allah to help both you and your fiancé through this difficult waiting period and to grant you both a happy marriage if Allah wills it.

I am sorry to hear that you and your fiancé have been put in a difficult position to wait for his oldest sister to get married first before you both are allowed to marry. I understand that this type of practice is used in some cultures and some families. It can be very difficult for those who are in your position.

Is there a way to have someone speak with your fiancé’s mother regarding her beliefs about this issue in a non-judgmental manner? Does your fiancé’s father feel the same way? How about his grandparents, uncles, and other extended family members? Can your fiancé possibly speak with his mother and let her know how he feels about her beliefs regarding this issue and come up with an agreement? How about his oldest sister, how does she feel about her mother’s position in this matter? I am asking all these questions because I do not know the cultural reality of this family or the family dynamics. Both are essential to know and understand before approaching a solution to your situation.

If nothing can be done about the above at this time, then it is really up to the both of you on how to approach this matter. If you both chose to wait and continue to be engaged to each other, then that is your choice as a couple. It seems from your question that you both are committed to each other, but you feel guilty about feeling the need to talk to him via phone and possibly falling into flirting and other forms of emotionally-filled communication.

Certainly, I would encourage you to be open and honest about your feelings from the start. Let your fiancé know how you feel about your phone conversations and hear what he has to say. Do not shy away from discussing your feelings; this is an essential part of a healthy marriage. The both of you should not hesitate to be open with each other and to be mindful of each other’s feelings and needs.

First, let him know how you feel and then discuss possible solutions. Possible solutions could be to reduce the number of times you both talk to each other in a week, or to speak with each other in the presence of another person, or to only talk about certain subjects, etc. Discuss all your options and come up with an agreed upon solution.

May Allah help you both through this period of time and chose the best for you.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aliah F. Azmeh

Aliah F. Azmeh is a licensed clinical social worker who practices in Detroit, Michigan. Aliah graduated with a Master's degree in Social Work from the University of Michigan in 2007 and has experience working in the United States and overseas. Aliah currently works as a clinical social worker and provides individual, family, and marital counseling at Muslim Family Services in Detroit, MI.

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