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How Can I Forget My Ex-Girlfriend?

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Oct 21, 2018

Question

I left smoking and pornography one year ago. I am praying 5 times a day, performing nafl and fasting as well. The main problem is that I can’t stop thinking about my ex-girlfriend. I am extremely determined in my prayers, but I can’t focus on my own studies.

When I wake up for fajr prayer, I remember her. When I am going to sleep, I remember her. She is always in my mind. People are lazy with worshipping, but I am lazy with worldly matters such as career planning, and living my own life.

When I think my ex-girlfriend will marry another man and sleep with him, it makes me more out of control. I can’t tolerate this.

One more thing I always have in my mind is that I was honest. I invited her to Islam. Today or tomorrow she will realize why I invited her so many times. And when she realized this, she will come. But she has not changed. I am just fooling myself.

Counselor

Answer


How Can I Forget My Ex-Girlfriend?

In this counseling answer:

• It is important to realize that only you have the power to empty that space in your mind and heart that is being occupied by your ex-girlfriend.

• Give yourself time to think it over and make a list of all the pros and cons of the life you might have with her.

• I believe, once you start taking responsibility for your life and those of your parents and loved ones, it will be easier for you to let go of any memories of your ex-girlfriend.


Assalamu Alaikum,

I am sorry that you are going through this difficult phase of life. I am also glad that you seek our counseling services to help you adjust in your life better, InshaAllah.

You have mentioned that you have made a huge effort to let go of your past bad habits and were able to leave smoking and pornography. You have turned over a new leaf, mashaAllah; you are regular with your prayers and also keep fasts.

However, the problems you continue to face are that you are not able to get your ex-girlfriend out of your mind. You are also saddened by the fact that she does not follow Islam despite you helping her to understand it.

Secondly, you have mentioned that you are not able to manage your life, career and future goals.

First of all, brother, it is important to realize that only you have the power to empty that space in your mind and heart that is being occupied by your ex-girlfriend. It is apparent while you understand that she will not adapt to the lifestyle and Islam which you would like her to, yet your heart is still stuck on her. Give yourself time to think it over and make a list of all the pros and cons of the life you might have with her.

As you are aware, the only legal relationship between a man and a woman is that of husband and wife. Allah SWT knows best who is good for you and who is not, as a life partner.

Leave Your Affairs to Allah

It is important that you trust Allah with the decisions regarding your marriage. In your heart, you are aware that your ex-girlfriend will not be a suitable wife for you as she does not follow Islam. Pray to Allah that He guides her to Islam. But if she does not follow the religion, it is noteworthy that your future family and children would have weak religious values, and that may be detrimental for you in this world as well as in the Hereafter.

In the Quran, Allah says,

“Impure women are for impure men, and impure men are for impure women; pure women are for pure men, and pure men are for pure women.” [24:25]

Similarly, in a Hadith, the Prophet Muhammad Sallalahu Alaihi Wassalam said,

“A woman may be married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her religious commitment. Seek the one who is religiously-committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).” [Bukhari]

Focus on Your Present

You have mentioned that you are not able to concentrate on your studies, and are lacking direction towards your education and career. I think it is essential that you divert your attention from the girl to your own self, your present, and future. Think about where you are now, and how your life can improve if you focus on your studies, and overall your own well-being. It might also help to find a part-time job to so that you gain some professional experience in your field.

Become Goal-Oriented

Brother, it is essential that you spend some time and effort in your education and career development. As a man, it is your responsibility to provide for your family. Therefore, instead of keeping your thoughts occupied with a girl, concentrate on creating goals for yourself. For instance, you should make short-term and long-term goals for yourself. Also, try to envision, where you would like yourself to be five years from now.


Check out this counseling video:


If you wish to be married soon, it is essential that you are well-settled and can support your family and offspring. To be able to support a family, it takes continuous effort and it is important that you make yourself used to it.

I believe, once you start taking responsibility for your life and those of your parents and loved ones, it will be easier for you to let go of any memories of your ex-girlfriend.

If you find it difficult to study, explore why that is so. Is it that you are not interested or passionate about the field of study you are in? Explore whether you would like to change your course of study or move towards a different profession. If this is so, do not delay making any decision that can lead you toward a more fulfilling profession.

Divert Your Energy

I believe one of the reasons you are not able to get your ex-girlfriend out of your mind is that you “choose” to keep remembering her. I think you should channelize your energies elsewhere. For instance, you could start activities such as exercising. You will not only be physically energizing for you, but it will also help you concentrate better on the present and will also help you get her out of your mind.

Ask Allah for Help and Guidance

MashaAllah, it is commendable that you are close to Allah and are fulfilling your religious obligations and also doing Nafl ibaadah. Wherever you feel stuck, remember to ask Allah for guidance. Doing Istikhara for any decisions regarding your life will help you clarify your thoughts and assist you in reaching the right conclusion.

May Allah make things easy for you and guide you to the right path,

Ameen.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

I Can’t Forget My Ex-Girlfriend

Can’t Get Over My Ex-Girlfriend

I Still Hope My Ex-Girlfriend Will Come Back to Me




About Zainab Farrukh

"Zainab Farrukh has an MS. in Mental Health & Counseling and has been working as a counselor for over 3 years. She is also a Research Specialist working with Psychology professionals and students internationally. She has recently founded The WomeNetwork (www.thewomenetwork.com), where her goal is to help women get better at their game."

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