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Shall I Marry a Married Man?

Questioner

M

Reply Date

Oct 31, 2017

Question

Wsalam. This guy took my number from a friend, and after the first year of chatting with me, he told me he was married. Now it’s the fourth year we talk. He's still after me, although because of his marriage I'm trying to avoid him, sometimes I am thinking, what if he's the one for me and I'm rejecting him. I'm religious alhamdulillah, I pray 5 times, and alhamdulillah I finish the holy Quran twice a year, but I don’t have any other proposal except him which makes me sad. Why no one proposes to me? My mum has accepted him, but until now I haven’t told my dad about him. I'm from Afghanistan and he's Pakistani. My dad won't accept him because of his nationality, and in our culture, my family won't search for anyone for me. I have my elder sister who is 37 and still single and no one cares about her marriage in my family, unfortunately. He told me that he has an imaginative friend because most of his life he has been alone. I believe it is a jinni, but he says no, it’s a sickness. I have stopped contacting him because I want a halal relationship and I feel guilty that all these years I have been chatting with him, although we have never talked about anything wrong. Now, he is saying he wants to propose to me officially, because he says he can’t live without me, but I'm afraid due to the above-mentioned reasons. I have done istikharah many times. Please guide me! 4 years and I'm still confused and don't know what to do. Thanks. Jazakhalllah.

Counselor

Answer


Shall I Marry a Married Man?

In this counseling answer:

“The probability of this relationship to succeed is low. I don’t think he has been respectful of you or his wife. You should not marry him out of fear. In the end of the day, marriage is supposed to bring happiness and joy to our lives, and it requires work and dedication.”


As-Salamu ‘Alaium Sister,

All the praises be to Allah. I believe that deep in your heart you already know the answer to your question otherwise you would not feel guilty.

In your email, you didn’t mention the good traits about this man or about the type of relationship you have with him. All you said is that for four years you have been chatting romantically with a married brother. You are not really rejecting him; you have been talking to him all those years when you could be investing your time looking for a real option.

Sister, a man will say anything to make you feel special, but let’s face it: if he really respects you and your faith, don’t you think he should have already proposed you many years ago?

Furthermore, you can’t marry someone just because you feel you are out of options. Your fear of being single is blocking you to think clearly. All this time, you have been thinking about him and questioning this relationship when you could maybe ask friends or family about real prospects. Maybe you haven’t had proposals because your heart and mind are closed, waiting for this man.

First of all, he is married and maybe he has kids; are you really willing to be a second wife? Do you know if his wife knows about you? What he has been doing with you is cheating, no matter what kind of conversation you have with him. You and he are in a romantic unlawful relationship. You need to ask yourself if you really want to start a life with someone who has this type of behavior. If the answer is yes, the second thing you have to be sure about is if he has the means to support you and his first wife? Provide for two homes can be very hard nowadays, and you need to know if he will be able to be fair with both of you.

Regarding him having an imaginary friend, it is not uncommon for children to have an imaginary, as this is part of the developmental process for creativity, speech, and connectedness. As an adult, he should look for mental health provider, as this is likely a hallucination that can cause psychotic episodes. There is no real way to prove it is a jinn, and most of the time it is not – it is usually a mental illness. If he can find someone (an imam or sheikh) to prove it is a jinn, then the appropriate healing can be provided to cleanse him of this energy.

Another important point to discuss is whether your family will approve this marriage. Unfortunately, some people value culture more than the teachings of Islam. If he comes to your family with a serious proposal, the decision can’t be made based on his nationality. Allah has based the superiority of an individual over others solely on taqwah (piety), and not on race or culture. The Holy Qur’an says:

“O mankind! We have created you from a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that you may know one another. Verily, the most honorable of you with Allah is that (believer) who has At-Taqwa [i.e. one of the Muttaqun (pious)]. Verily, Allah is All-Knowing, All-Aware.” (49:13)

In conclusion, the probability of this relationship to succeed is low. I don’t think he has been respectful of you or his wife. You should not marry him out of fear. In the end of the day, marriage is supposed to bring happiness and joy to our lives, and it requires work and dedication. It is a lifetime decision that you make only when you feel confident about the future with your significant other. As I said in the beginning, you have many doubts about him, the relationship between you two isn’t healthy and joyful. The question you need to ask your self is if you really believe it can work in the long term and is this how you want to start a marriage as a second wife, which is also very difficult to achieve.

May Allah guide you and keep you in the righteous pass.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Karim Serageldin

Karim Serageldin, founder of Noor, completed his BA in psychology & religion, followed by an MA in east-west psychology with a specialization in spiritual counseling. He is a certified life coach with years of teaching and community outreach experience. His practical work and research includes developing a modern framework of Islamic psychology, relationship, family and youth coaching. He provides seminars and workshops in the United States. You can contact Br. Karim at: http://www.noorhumanconsulting.com or facebook.com/noorhumanconsulting


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