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Shall I Be His Second Wife?

Questioner

F

Reply Date

May 11, 2018

Question

I know a man who has been telling me for years that he wants me as the second wife, but so far I have refused his proposal. My mom was also not happy with him as she says he’s from an area where men don’t take care of the women. So, we cut ties then but met again 2 years ago.

His first wife died, and he re-married and has 2 kids now. He said he had to marry this lady, but he regrets it because she isn't worth a wife. After all, I did istiharah, fasted and prayed, and I kept seeing him. I developed a love for him.

Now, his wife is trying to show me I can't marry him. However, she isn't doing what she ought to as a Muslim woman as she has extramarital affairs and other illegal issues. When my parents intervened and asked him if he really loved me and would take me as a wife with the fear of Allah, he said he would testify with the Holy Quran that he wouldn’t maltreat me. Now, we are actually preparing for the wedding.

The truth is I have no problem with him, but his wife wants to prove to me that he can't marry me, and she keeps insulting me badly although I never retaliated. I see no reason for her being so furious. After all, it’s allowed in Islam to marry up to four, and I told him even after me he married another woman, I was OK with it as long as he does his responsibilities as a husband. Please, I am worried and scared of what she might do in the future. I need your advice.

Counselor

Answer


second wife


In this counseling answer:

• What you really need to consider is whether this man really worth this headache.

• You will have to learn how to keep cool and ignore his first wife in order to keep going with your life.


As-Salaam ’Alaikum Sister,

Unfortunately, it is a situation that the solution isn’t in your hands. The first and the second wife do not need to have any type of relationship. Since she is being reluctant to her husband’s decision, it would be better for both of you to avoid any contact. So far, you have nothing to fear; you should just keep a distance from her insults and not answer back as it would bring more problems to the situation.

I understood that you fell emotionally connected to this man; however, there are few things that caught my attention. Firstly, your parents warned you that in the region he is from men are known for not taking care of their wives. What has changed sister? You and your family should look into the evidence that he has ways to take care of you, independent of his promises.

Another thing is unless you testify it, you shouldn’t affirm that his first wife is not being honest; instead, you should ask around your future husband’s family and people close to him how he has treated his first wife and have a better sense of how your life could be. More important than her anger towards you is to find out if she really has something to prove.

Regarding her behavior, it is understandable and expected that the first wife will be jealous of the possibility of a second wife. It is totally normal for her to see you as a threat right now, and you need to keep in mind that it might be a headache for you in this marriage. I want to remind you that even A’ishah was jealous of the Prophet’s (SWT) first wife, despite the fact she was dead:

“I never felt so jealous about any woman as I did for Khadijah, although she had died three years before I married the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him. That was because I heard him mentioning her so often and because his Lord has ordered him to give her glad tidings that she would have a palace in Paradise made of reeds; and also because the Prophet would slaughter a sheep and distribute its meat among her friends.” (Bukhari)

What you really need to consider is whether this man really worth this headache. Ask yourself if his qualities are good enough for you to tolerate his first wife’s moods.

All I read in your question was that you developed feelings for him, but you did not mention his qualities and why you fell in love with him. Is he really incomparable to any other man that has ever shown interest in you? If the answer is yes, sister, you really can’t do much to stop his first wife. You will have to learn how to keep cool and ignore her in order to keep going with your life.

It is very important to talk about your concerns with him as well. He should talk to her and protect you from her abuse.

May Allah (swt) guide you to the right path.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

“I Won’t Let My Husband Have a Second Wife!”

Confessions of a Second Wife

Our Marriage is Amazing, Yet He Wants a Second Wife




About Karim Serageldin

Karim Serageldin, founder of Noor, completed his BA in psychology & religion, followed by an MA in east-west psychology with a specialization in spiritual counseling. He is a certified life coach with years of teaching and community outreach experience. His practical work and research includes developing a modern framework of Islamic psychology, relationship, family and youth coaching. He provides seminars and workshops in the United States. You can contact Br. Karim at: http://www.noorhumanconsulting.com or facebook.com/noorhumanconsulting

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