I’m a Muslim convert and a second wife of my husband. We love each other so much and he gave me so much knowledge about Islam that I eventually decided to revert. However, he made sure that I chose Islam because of the religion itself and not because of him.
According to him, his marriage with his first wife has been on the edge for years. They always argue and wanted to separate long time ago, but they didn’t do it due to their children. It was my choice to marry him and become his second wife. I earn an average salary, rent my own house and pay my own stuff. He gave me some money on our wedding day, but since then I have my own money. I did not really concern about the financials.
He never stays or spends a single night with me. Every time he wants to spend time with me, we need to go for vacation out of town. The reason is because after his first wife found out our marriage, she got upset and angry and told all my family members what we did. Therefore, my husband was worried that she would cause further problems if he started spending nights with me. I was fine with it, even though I felt this was not fair. He kept encouraging me to be patient and I hoped that by time everything would be better.
His first wife did confront me and claimed that their marriage was fine. Although, she knew that her husband was always playing with other women, she just turned a blind eye over, but she can’t accept that her husband marries another woman. She asked for divorce. My husband went to counseling with her, and at the end they did not get divorce because all their kids were begging them to stay together. We have been married for 5 years now, and he still never spends a night with me. He only spends 2-3 hours per day with me and then he would go back home to his first wife. His reason is still the same.
On top of that, he only gives me 1/4 of the money he gives to his first wife. I keep quiet, even though it’s definitely not enough to pay my bills (house, utilities, food etc.). I am even not allowed to have a baby with him as he thinks he is too old for that. Our age difference is about 20 years. I don’t think I can afford this. Recently, he bought his first wife and his kids a new house and now he is busy decorating it with them. He left me alone with money which is not enough, with no house or time. I feel disappointed.
As a Muslim husband, he knows that he is wrong, but he keeps following what his family asks him to do. I feel he is totally unfair; he never gives me anything (time and money) while having good time with his other wife. I have talked to him many times about these matters, but he said he can’t afford to give me the same amount he gives to his first wife (ironically, he bought her another house while I still rent a room, not even a house). He said I need to be more patient.
I feel like my patience has reached its limit. He can’t be fair as a husband, that’s clear. Would Allah hate me if I asked for divorce? I can’t take this anymore.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• If you can tolerate these needs not being met, then stay with him, but have little expectations that these things will change.
• You should also seek local advice from your Imams and try to have counseling.
As-Salaam ’Alaikum sister,
A polygamous family situation is never easy and requires a lot of adjustments. As you know, polygamy did not come as a right of a man, but rather as a restriction for man. Before Islam, men practiced unlimited polygamy without responsibility, and Islam came to ensure the women involved received proper care and rights.
It sounds to me that your situation is a difficult one and you are being treated unfairly. Let’s look at the context. He has children with his first wife, and you are twenty years younger. This does not mean he does not have to be equal in his time, energy, and finances towards you as it is your right to have equal resources. However, you said you waived that right for him before but are now getting impatient. At this point, you have to consider realistically if this situation is suited for your needs.
- If you want to have a family, it is unlikely to happen in this setup.
- If you need more financial support, it is unlikely to happen.
- If you need more time with your husband, it is unlikely to happen since his other family is larger and his wife is more demanding.
If you can tolerate these needs not being met, then stay with him, but have little expectations that these things will change. If you feel you want and deserve more, then there is no blame on you (in my humble opinion) to move on and divorce him, in sha’ Allah. Perhaps, you can meet another brother who wants to build a full life with you.
If you really love your current husband and cannot picture yourself living without him, then you can remain patient and see how things go, but this time let your husband know you have reached your limits and your needs have to start being met or else you will consider other options. You should also seek local advice from your Imams and try to have counseling to discuss your needs being met before making any decisions. And Allah (swt) knows best.
May Allah (swt) guide you with wisdom and clarity on how to move forward.
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