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My Husband Married Another Woman Secretly

03 June, 2018
Q I am a career woman married for 13 years and have a child. My husband went to Egypt to visit his family as usual. We were happily married that is at least what I thought. A week after he came back, he told me that he had got married in Egypt. I was in shock for days. I had to be treated by my doctor for depression. I could not go to work. He got married without saying one word to me. I asked for a divorce. He could not give me a reason why he did it. The only reason I got was that his parents were getting old and he needed someone to look after them. How can the religion allow marriages where the 1st wife does not even know that her husband gets married with another wife? How religious is that as it destroys the first family.

Answer


In this counseling answer:

Both of you need to brush up on Islamic knowledge and discussions pertaining to polygamy. Get to know the conditions required for it to be healthy and practiced properly.


As-Salaam ’Alaikum sister,

It is unfortunate that you find yourself in this position, sister. Polygamy is a difficult situation to address. Some scholars do not consider it an obligation for the husband to inform his wife of another marriage. However, this is not the only opinion or interpretation of how to do this.

Clearly, your husband did a harmful, immature, and unhealthy thing. His excuse that he needed someone to look after his parents is interesting, to say the least. The question is, how do his parents need support and why is getting married in Egypt going to fulfill that? This is a conversation you need to open up to him and be persistent to understand his reasoning.

Why Does He Want A Second Wife?

It is possible that your husband was pressured by his parents to marry.

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To be clear, no “religion” does anything on its own. We, the people, are the ones who give life to religion and make meaning of it the way we want. Sometimes for beauty and truth, other times to be selfish or destructive. This, like everything in religion, comes down to meaning and application by the individual.

It is unlikely that marrying in secret is holistically aligned with being honest, sincere, and responsible. All of these are virtues and standards of character in Islam. Thus, your situation with your husband needs further investigation. Both of you need to brush up on Islamic knowledge and discussions pertaining to polygamy. Get to know the conditions required for it to be healthy and practiced properly.

Would You Be Happy in Polygamy?

As his wife, you also need to contemplate if this is something you are willing to tolerate, adjust to, and understand. For some women, polygamy is a deal breaker no matter. Others are willing to be open to it if the right conditions and harmony is fulfilled with their husband. Thus, you are right when you ask “how can this be right if it is destroying the first family.” Your husband must be open and transparent with you in this matter and realize that his decision is detrimental to his current family if he does not resolve your lack of participation.


Check out this counseling video:


You can decide to divorce him. But also recognize that this will also cause damage and harm to your family. While it is completely understandable that you are shocked and hurt, provided the situation, you may still have the chance to improve your family life with him in South Africa and keep it separate from his parents and wife in Egypt.

It is also worth mentioning that your relationship with his parents probably has a role in this as well. Are you close to them? Has there been negative history? Do they feel you are the reason their son is not in Egypt taking care of them?

I would suggest acknowledging the layers of your relationship with him and the in-laws to have a better sense of how to orient your discussions. Try to reconcile all the lack of trust or resentment. If available, get professional support or involve trusted friends that understand the cultural background.

May Allah (swt) help you,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

Is Polygamy Justified Today?

Is Misuse of Polygamy the Main Cause for Divorce?

“Polygamy, Not My Problem”- A Muslim Woman

About Karim Serageldin
Karim Serageldin, founder of Noor, completed his BA in psychology & religion, followed by an MA in east-west psychology with a specialization in spiritual counseling. He is a certified life coach with years of teaching and community outreach experience. His practical work and research includes developing a modern framework of Islamic psychology, relationship, family and youth coaching. He provides seminars and workshops in the United States. You can contact Br. Karim at: http://www.noorhumanconsulting.com or facebook.com/noorhumanconsulting