Answer
In this counseling answer:
The counselor advises to pray istikharah and wait until he is divorced and then have him talk to your family or wali and get to know him more in a halal way.
As-Salamu ‘Alaykum dear sister,
Based on what you said, it appears that you are thinking in rational terms in regards to waiting until he divorces his wife, if, in fact, he does divorce her. While he states his wife is not a devote Muslim and is disrespectful, please do keep in mind, dear sister, that there are two sides to a story. Additionally, in Islam, he would not be viewed as “respectful” if he is having a relationship with a woman without the intent of polygamy (as he is married).
While you did not say how you met him or the extent of your “relationship” with him, I assume based on your concerned and pious question that it hasn’t gone beyond the limits of what is Islamically correct. You stated that “I refused to be the reason for the destruction of a family” which sounds reasonable as no one wants to be the cause of a marital breakup. However, if you both have been keeping things halal and following Islamic guidelines, there is no need for you to feel you are the cause of a breakup. In fact, it appears he may have been having marriage problems way before you came into the picture.
I would advise extreme caution at this point, dear sister, as he is married. With that said, I would advise waiting until he is divorced and then have him talk to your family or wali. If your family in not in Saudi Arabia, then the imam at your masjid can act as your wali.
Sister, you need to find out more about this man in sha’ Allah, and your family (or wali) should be involved in helping you learn more about him. While you may feel you know him well enough to consider marriage, it is best to have the non-bias advice from someone else as well. Oftentimes, when we want to marry, we can overlook certain things, or we may not have enough knowledge about the person, wherein a wali can in sha’ Allah find out more in regards to the character of your intended.
Concerning istikharah, while I am not an Islamic scholar, Aboutislam does point out that “Praying istikharah can be helpful, but it is not the only way to know, nor does it provide enough information as dreams can be interpreted in a variety of ways based on intention and agenda. It is better to get direct proof through getting to know someone more deeply”. Additionally, sister, before we pray istikharah, we are advised to “consult people who are known for their knowledge, piety and sound opinion. After having done so, turn to Allah for guidance”.
Also, one must make sure that what s/he is praying for (asking Allah) is halal. I am not sure if making istikharah while someone is married, without the intent of polygamy is halal; therefore, please do consult our “Ask the Scholar” section for further clarification on this. What I would advice is to make istikharah after he divorces, in sha’ Allah.
We wish you the best sister. You are in our prayers.
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