Answer
Answer:
As-Salamu ‘Alaykum sister,
As you met this man on a matrimonial site and have not yet met him in person, you really do not know much about him, except what he has told you. The fact that he did not tell you from the beginning he was married is a red flag. Usually, on matrimonial sites there is a box to check stating if you are single, divorced, widowed or married. Which box did he check? If he checked single or divorced or widowed, he lied. That is not being pious or good sister; hat is being deceiving.
Usually when men are married, they check the married box if they are honest and their intentions are pure. You need to ask yourself, why would he lie about this? And, if he lied about this, what else is he lying about. It is not a good way to start a conversation about something as important as marriage.
Sister, why has he not married a woman in his own country in 10 years? If this marriage was arranged, why was not another one arranged if having children was not possible through his wife? As he is from a different country, could he be interested in marrying you so that he can come to your country where his opportunities may be better? If so, this is not a reason to marry and many marriages end up horribly based on this.
Or if you are going to his country, how do you know you will be treated with loving kindness? What if you get there and he is not what he portrayed himself to be and he won’t let you leave? Anyone can say they will treat you good because they are “afraid of burning in hell”. People say all sorts of “pious” things just to get what they want.
I would kindly suggest sister that you take a very serious look at how this “relationship” got started – on a lie about his marriage status. With that said, I can only advise you to not consider this proposal.
If you do, however, I would kindly suggest that you and your family act with extreme caution. You and your family should speak with him, his wife, his parents as well as the imam at his masjid to see just what type of a Muslim man he is. Because of the distance and not having met him or his wife in person, there are too many unknowns and too much room for manipulation. If your parents are interested in this proposal, I would highly suggest that your parents go to his country with you to meet him, his wife and his parents. Should he actually check out favorably, which includes his wife agreeing and being happy with him taking a second wife (while it is not mandatory she agrees, she can make your life hell if she is against it) as well as his family being righteous people, then you will not have to worry about all the concerns you wrote about as his wife will be supportive of all that is entailed in this marriage.
Sister, there are polygamous marriages that work very well. However, they work well because everyone is on board with the concept; the wives are generally nice to one another and get along, the man follows the ways of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (saw) in the treatment of his wives and, thus, several women are happily married to the same man. It can be done, and it can be very beneficial and loving for all involved.
However, in this case, he was not honest from the beginning. It seems he kept it secret, chatted you up until you caught some feelings for him, and then told you – after he gained your trust and interest. Basically he deceived you. Do you want to marry a man who deceived you from the beginning? The Prophet (saw) had several wives and not once did he say to them prior to marriage “I’m single” or tell them later “Oh by the way, I’m married”. Our Prophet (saw) was honest and fair in all his dealings.
Sister, I am not trying to dampen your spirits, but what I am trying to do is get you to look at this from another angle. If you had written that you met a married man who asked you to be his wife, I would have a different response. But because he came to you as a single man, and got your attention, and then told you he was married, I am not comfortable with suggesting that you marry him. You are still young and you will meet many others who will be truthful about their intention and their marital status. In sha’ Allah sister, if you make du’aa’, trust in Allah (swt), and be patient. In sha’ Allah, Allah (swt) will send you one who has a pure intention who doesn’t use the “hook and sinker” type of game and is truly for you – married or not.
We wish you the best sister, you are in our prayers.
Salam,
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