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I Don’t Want to Ruin His Marriage, but I Love Him

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N

Reply Date

Sep 02, 2017

Question

As-Salamu Aleikom. I need some advice whether I should continue this relationship. I met this guy 6 month ago when I was taking my master. He is currently taking master degree as well at the same institution. He is a married Sudanese with a daughter.We are planning to get married, but his wife does not give permission for him to marry me. She even threatens to leave him if he marries me. I don’t want that to happen. If I were in her shoes, I would find it difficult as well to share my husband's love with another woman. I have tried to leave him several times, but he refused to let go of me and promised to slowly persuade his wife to agree on the marriage or else he would just marry me with or without the consent of his wife even though his wife is going to ask for divorce.It hurts me to think how I could become a selfish home-wrecker trying to ruin another woman's happiness. I have gone through series of unsuccessful relationships before, and I am so tired to go through it again. I’ve tried to get rid of my feelings for him, but it grows stronger every day. I have done istikharah and still I cannot forget him. My family feels so reluctant to let me marry him because of these 2 factors; he is a married and from a different nationality. Help me. Should I get married or let go of him? JazakAllah Khayran.

Counselor

Answer


I Don’t Want to Ruin His Marriage, but I Love Him

Answer:

As- Salam ‘Alaikum,

Thank you for seeking our advice. First of all, you have to decide what the right thing is for you do to. He is a married man with a daughter, and his wife seems to be really upset about his idea of marrying you. Can you accept to be the cause of his divorce with his wife, if, in fact, his wife asks for divorce? He says he would leave his current wife to be with you, but is there any guarantee that he wouldn’t do the same thing to you one day – leaving you for someone else? Sometimes, it can be hard to think clearly and rationally when the emotions are so strong, but you have to remember that the smallest misstep in this situation could ruin you, him and his marriage.

Secondly, I can understand your parents’ concern about this man; he has another nationality and is married. Obviously, your parents would prefer marrying you off to someone who is single and making sure he marries you for pure reasons. You don’t know what this man is really up to since you only know him for 6 months.

As you mentioned, you have been through many unsuccessful relationships before, then why would you put yourself in a complicated situation again? I advise you to make du’aa’, purify your intentions and give plenty of time to think this over. Write down the pros and cons of this potential marriage on a piece of paper, if it helps.

Thirdly, his first wife’s approval is not a condition for plural marriage, and it is not obligatory for the husband to have the approval of his wife if he wants to marry a second wife. But it is of good manners and kind treatment to approach the issue in such a way in order to reduce the pain which women naturally feel in such cases. By smiling at her, greeting her warmly, speaking nicely to her and spending money on her according to his means, he may gain her approval. This indicates that he can marry you even if his current wife does not approve it, but he still should ask her to show her good manners and gain her approval as it can hurt her feelings if he does not do that.

If a husband takes a second wife, he has to treat his wives equally as much as possible. If he does not treat them equally, then he is exposing himself to a stern warning, for it has narrated by Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (peace and blessing of Allah be upon him) said:

Whoever has two wives and inclines more towards one of them than the other, will come on the Day of Resurrection with half of his body leaning.” (Narrated by al-Nisaa’i, ‘Ushrat al-Nisaa’, 3881; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Sunan al-Nasaa’i, no. 3682)

If he does not respect his current wife’s feelings, then how can you be sure that he will respect yours when you are married to him? Do not rush into this marriage as there are too many indications that it will likely to be a very uncomfortable situation for you, his wife, and especially his daughter. Finding a man who is not married may be a better choice. And Allah knows best.

We wish you all the best. May Allah lead you on the right path, Ameen.

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About Hadia Ali

Hadia Ali is a 27 years old Pakistani Muslim woman, born and bred in Norway. She has obtained her bachelor's degree in Sociology from Norway. Currently, she lives in the UK with her husband and two children. Email: micha.agr@gmail.com

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