Answer
Answer:
As-Salamu ‘Alaikum Sister,
I am sorry to hear of your struggle. Unfortunately, the religion of Islam is sometimes confused with culture and many families miss the real practice of the religion in order to keep their cultural family customs.
First of all, let’s try to focus on the time your husband was in the west when he was a stellar husband. This is the side of him that you will need to tap into. Some men are simply unable to open up emotionally and really don’t have any emotional connection with their wife or children, thus you can find gratitude for having that.
Secondly, what is probably happening now is your husband being back in his homeland made him “shut down” the man he became and now he is fusing into Jordanian culture in all ways, conscious or not. He probably doesn’t want to look too emotional in front of his family; he might fear any type of judgment, and he also might be looking to identify with his siblings, whom he has been away from for many years. Some Arabic families tend to be more distant and less affectionate with one another.
We have many hadiths exemplifying how the Prophet of Allah (r ) use to spend time with his wives, helping with the household chores, and being playful with his children and grandchildren. It is the husband’s responsibility to spend quality time with his wife apart from physical intimacy and similar examples could be given for the relationship between parents and children.
You have the right to feel disappointed sister and I suggest you share how you feel with your husband. Marriage and parenting have rights and obligations, and emotional connection is one of the rights you and your kids have upon your husband. You have been married for a while, and you probably know how to reach him kindly and remind him of the man he was before Jordan and explain your son’s needs as well. It is not clear from what you wrote how much effort you put in making your husband understand his fatherly role in shaping and nurturing your son’s healthy masculinity.
Here are some tips to remember in your conversation with your husband:
- You need to talk to him frankly and communicate to him the gravity of the situation.
- Tell him all the changes your son is going through and how he misses his father being part of it.
- Be specific in how and when his behavior changed; show facts and remember how things were before you moved.
- Think of activities that he can do with his son to help him establish a relationship with him (like they run errands together).
- Propose a plan to him with a timeline to help him change his behavior.
- Remind him that his duties are to his nuclear family first not his extended family or even his parents. Parents are adults and are already developed as people; your children are still developing and the harm is much greater if they are neglected. Imagine you meet Allah and He asks you what happened with your children and why are they damaged? Will the response of “I neglected my child for my parents or extended family” really hold solid considering the parents or extended family are all adults and usually can take care of themselves?
Your husband may have not had an intimate relationship with his own father; hence he is unable to be there for his son. However, you were able to help him put his affection out while you lived in the west, therefore trust in Allah and believe you can do it again. He needs to acknowledge the problem, understand why he is having hard time to show his love, and work on improving his relationship with his son and the whole family as well.
Work with him, help him, and make du`aa’ for Allah to guide him. Remind him that his immediate family has needs and requires prioritization despite the cultural customs. If your husband continues to neglect both of you and shows no desire to change his behavior, do not delay having a serious conversation with him about the future of your marriage and worry of meeting Allah with this type of neglect.
While you help him see the beauty of being loving and loved by his family, keep encouraging your son to grow and develop in any way you can. However the real guidance for a young man must come from his father; this is the right of passage. Some boys grow without any male influence, and even though it is not the ideal, it is possible for a mother to help a son understands his gender role. You can help your son to build confidence and make him understand his gender role. Make sure you and your children go to Jummah prayer; it will be good for him to make friends and get validated by his peers. It helps build confidence. Voice his value and his role as the only brother. I am glad to hear that you observe your own acts and avoid “babying him”. You have good intentions sister and in sha’ Allah your husband will acknowledge the consequences of his absence and will turn back to be the stellar father he used to be.
Salam,
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