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My Dad Doesn’t Want Me to Get Married

29 September, 2016
Q As-Salamu 'Alaykum. Since I was a child, my dad has shown me love and care. But He hates all my friends who are married. He tells me that they are married because their parents are tired of carrying their responsibilities. It is as if he'd still live in the past. He thinks a girl can just wake up one day with the decision of getting married, go out, grab a man, and get married the following day. I wish I could really explain well for you to get the picture. This problem makes me lose my mind. I swear it is by Allah's help that I still maintain a sane mind. He doesn't want me to work or to get married, and there is no human being who could talk to him to change his mind. I feel I want to run away, but I fear Allah.

Answer

Answer:

Wa ‘Alaikum As-Salam,

Thank you for writing in. I can see that you’re very distraught about your father holding on to you. It seems that he is very emotional. I am wondering how many brothers and sisters you have, and if your father is happily married now. He may be lonely or afraid of growing old alone.

To help you keep your sanity, focus your attention on seeking understanding in this situation. Try to find out what your father is truly afraid of. It seems as if he loves you very much. As you consider what your next step in your own growth and development will be, try to see that process in context of your current family. Perhaps, if you can find a way to assure your father that he is not going to be abandoned or alone, then it would help. Your father may have a broken heart, and in his own mind he is just protecting you from experiencing the heartache that he experienced. Whatever the case may be, it always helps to put aside fear and assumptions and to try to hear the heart of the person who appears to be behaving in an irrational manner.

Please, do not consider running away unless you are in legitimate danger. From what you posted, I do not see that you are in physical or any kind of extreme danger. It is better to investigate ways to communicate than to sever a much cherished relationship. You will always need your father in your life, just as much as he needs you in his life.

From what I can gather from the little of information you’ve provided is that what is being said is not exactly what is really being felt. Your father may not even understand himself. Focus on healing your relationship with your father and getting some good flow of communication and energy. In other words, re-establish good rapport with him. After you have established that, get him to talk to you about who he is, what he needs, and what his fears are. You might then get a better idea of what is behind his resistance to allowing you to marry. Once you have this understanding, you might be able to build a bridge, calm his fears, and show him how marriage might be good for you.

Of course, marriage can be very destructive and dangerous in today’s world where you might not know the full motivation of the person who is asking for your hand. Therefore, be open to have your suitors screened in order to ensure that their intentions are truly good and that you will not be put in the hands of a person who is going to mistreat you. There are many scary and sad stories today, so make sure that if you do peruse marriage, you position yourself in such a way that a man cannot take advantage of you or put you in a very bad situation.

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Sometimes, a father’s concern and love for us can be the best protection in the world. And if a man is not willing to talk to your father about his desire to marry you, then he is not worthy of your attention. Make sure that you are communicating your worth to your suitors so that they understand that they must show their good intentions and that you will not put yourself in a bad situation. Perhaps, if your father knew that he could trust you to make sure of these issues and that you will be treated well by your husband, he might be easier to get along with.

With that said, I need more information from you to provide a better response that might help build a bridge of healthy communication, trust, cooperation and collaboration between your father and you. If you would like to share the dynamics between you and your father, and what your situation is, I might be able to provide additional wisdom and/or some practical ideas. For now, I pray you will keep an open mind and consider things not only from your own perspective, but from your father’s perspective as well.

Salam,

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