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Mom Cheating on Dad, What to Do? (2)

24 December, 2016
Q

Answer

Answer:

As-Salamu `Alaikum dear sister,

It is good to hear from you again. I very much appreciate your anxiety about how you would be affected should your mother decide to leave the family and your even greater concern and worry about your father. One of the large lessons that we creatures of Allah learn through our life journey is that we cannot control anything – especially other people.

The only thing we can really hope to do when we perceive events to be uncomfortable for us is to surrender our prejudices about what life should be like and surrender our will to the Creator. The best action here is to shift your focus on the good and the qualities that you want to develop within yourself and see manifest in your life, and pray. This may not sound like an answer or relevant advice, but it is. There is a prayer that is used in the Western Recovery Culture which is filled with people from all faiths and all walks of life, but have one thing in common – faith in a “higher power”. It is called The Serenity Pray and was written by Reinhold Niebuhr. It says ‘God grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.’

This challenge for you in this “life exercise” is to “unlearn” control thinking and control behaviors. Your parents may be engaging in some kind of power struggle, or they may have hurt each other deeply, or they may simply not know who they are or what they want and need in this world. But this is not for you to worry about. This is for them to worry about.

What this means is that you do not get in the  middle of their arguments, and you do not become an instrument for them to unwittingly use to help them resolve their own problems that they have with each other, within their own selves, the Universe and Allah.

Your focus is only on your own relationship with Allah, the Universe, your own soul, and then the people you love (i.e., your parents). Your unique relationship with your father is a relationship that only you and your father share together. Likewise, your relationship with your mother is a relationship that only you and your mother share together. The relationship that your mother and father have belongs to them. If it is a mess, then they are the ones responsible for cleaning up that mess. They either will, or they won’t.

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Yes, it is sad. It is very sad. And you are very young. You are learning about human nature by watching your parents. One day your eyes will open and understand the dysfunction of the entire human family and realize that controlling behaviors just won’t bring us the results we want. The only way to bring forth healing into this world on any level, whether it be in our family, our neighborhood, our community or city, or country, the world civilization, or Earth itself, is to find that healing first within our own soul. You have to let go of what the people around you are doing in order to even get in touch with what that is and what that means.

So, am I advocating just letting your father be lonely and sad? Of course not, but the appropriate path is not to get your mother to do what you feel she should be doing. Rather, go places with your father and be a comfort to him while harboring no hard feelings toward your mother. Pray for your mother to have her emotions healed. Tell your mother you love her. Ask both of them for ideas in relationship to your own life path and gain whatever knowledge and wisdom each of them has to offer you individually.

The more you focus on your own personal relationship with each of your parents separately, the less angry you will be with your mother. This is because you will come to realize that even though it appears that her behavior is destructive, there is something deeper going on. You will get to know her as a human being with weakness, fears, insecurities, needs etc. You may not like the way she is reacting to whatever is bothering her, but you will find yourself having more compassion for her. That won’t mean that you love your father any less.  Even if your parents are in competition with each other, your feeling of genuine love for each one of them is ok.

It is also ok if you feel safer emotionally with one parent than the other, or confide with one instead of the other. Each parent has unique gifts to give you as you transition into the world of adulthood. Accept and appreciate their gifts so that you can become a strong, emotionally balanced woman. This is a better place for your attention. ALLAH will take care of both of your parents.  Even though you may be perceiving them as “all grown up” and wondering why in the world would a mature woman, your own mother behave this way; well, we are all creatures of Allah. Eventually, you will understand that even the 90-year-old woman is still a child and is still learning and growing, and Allah is still working with her.

You are well on your way to achieve a higher level of understanding and compassion for humanity as you learn through this experience within your own family system. Allah is working with you and developing you. ALLAH will take care of both your mother and your father,  in sha’ Allah, please trust in this. I pray some of these words have brought you some comfort and a better understanding of what is and what is not your responsibility. You are a precious woman and I sense the light within you.

May Allah help you,

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