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I Crave My Mother’s Love & Care

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Aug 17, 2017

Question

Assalamu Aleykum warehmutullahi wabarakatuhu. I was always a sensitive child. Everyone used to tease and bully me, even my own mother, to the extent that I started crying. She has never comforted me. My mates say they call their mother because she gives them relief, but I never get that from my mother. I love her the most in this world. I wrote for poetries. Once I was telling her about my emotional pain, but she hasn’t said anything. There is a gap between her and me. It is because she never talked to me like mothers do with their daughter. I feel my self-esteem is really low. I often feel like I am useless and I am a bad daughter. Whatever I do she never notices. I am studying for her. My aim is to make her happy, but whatever I do she never gives me any positive feedback. I need her lap to sleep on; I need her hug, I need her love to feel strong. Am I a bad person? Or this is a mother’s duty to talk to her child when she sees that her child is not okay emotionally? Some incident happened when I was a child which scared me. I cried every night under the blanket, for months. Yet, she never noticed it. I know she is busy being a working mom, but I often consider myself wrong and bad. I do not know how to become a normal person again. I often become so emotional that people think I am strange.

Counselor

Answer



In this counseling answer:

“Do not feel depressed by comparing your lives to those who seem to have “perfect” mothers. Consider, instead, the lives of those who have no mothers. In addition, if she is failing to see through you, why don’t you let her know of your feelings through your actions? When you do acts of kindness to her, I am sure she will be touched and will begin to soften.”


As-Salamu ‘Alaikum dear sister,

I am sorry to hear about the relationship between you and your mother. Indeed, it is very hard when the most important person in an individual’s life is not very emotionally responsive.

Do not feel depressed by comparing your lives to those who seem to have “perfect” mothers. Consider, instead, the lives of those who have no mothers. There are many individuals whose mothers passed away or are extremely sick and unable to provide any sort of help to their children. These individuals live hard lives raising siblings and doing everything without the support of a loving mother.

Simply because your mother does not talk much with you does not mean that she considers you a useless child.

You mentioned that she is a working lady. It is very well possible that she is usually mentally stressed and does not find the time to spend with you as she is constantly striving to work hard and earn as much as possible for her kids. Rather than considering her absence and feeling down, why don’t you consider the other side of the story?

I understand that as a daughter, you feel empty and desire more from your mother emotionally. However, if she is failing to see through you, why don’t you let her know of your feelings through your actions? For example, why don’t you do random acts of kindness with her? Here are some examples:

  1. Make her breakfast in the morning
  2. Buy her a present outside of special days and surprise her
  3. Leave notes of kindness, motivation, and encouragement
  4. Make her something special after she comes back from work
  5. Request to go out with her

When you do such acts with her, I am sure she will be touched and will begin to soften. It is possible that all the hard work, chores at homes, and the endless responsibilities have hardened her and have disabled her emotionally.

Parents are very important. We must realize this and always be grateful. After all, they are also humans and have shortcomings of their own. But we must see the positives and forget the negatives.

Allah (swt) talks about parents in the Quran:

“And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], “uff,” and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.” (17: 23)

The next verse:

“And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say, “My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small.” (17: 24)

The du’aa’, “My Lord! Bestow on them your mercy even as they cherished me in childhood” is powerful. Many scholars say that Muslims should say this after every prayer. It is a du’aa’ in which we ask Allah (swt) to bestow mercy on our parents as they were merciful to us when we were babies, then toddlers, and then children growing up.

I have heard this before:

When someone wrongs you, insults you, and misbehaves with you, write it down on the sand. However, when someone does something good for you, pleases you, and makes you happy, then write it down on stone. The result, when you write it down on the sand, the bad things will be removed as sand is not permanent. It can be washed away. However, when you write good things down on stone, it will always be there and hence permanent.

This should be applied in all aspects of lives. Whether it be with friends, families, siblings, spouse, or even parents. This will mentally and emotionally relax you and will help you strengthen the relationships that mean the most to you.

Also, the event you are talking about in the past; it is best if you forget about it. The past is the past and nothing can be done about it. Allah (swt) has helped you and gave you strength to overcome it. You need to forget about it. Realize that it is Allah (swt) who will help you through it, no one else. Not even your mother.

I pray that Allah (swt) gives you the strength to see the positives in all situations. I also pray that Allah (swt) will strengthen the relationship between you and your mother.

Amen,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Madiha Sadaf

Madiha Sadaf in an undergraduate student at the University of Ottawa, enrolled in BSc. with Major in Biology and Psychology with Minor in Health Social Sciences.

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