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Father Left Us When I Was Young: I Hate Him!

Questioner

R

Reply Date

Jan 09, 2018

Question

As-Salamu Aleikom. I’m R. from India. I have a question. Islam says to respect your parents. But I hate my father. He used to misbehave with my mom and beat her. When I was one year old, he left my mom and me and got married to a Hindu woman who worked in his office. He has never come back. He has never tried to meet us and never contributed a single penny to my upbringing. My mom alone has taken care of me. I’ve never seen him. Once when I got seriously ill, my mom sent a message to him to take care of me and give money for my treatment because she did not have money. But he replied that for him I was not his daughter, and he didn’t care if I died. I seriously hate him. How can I respect such kind of a person?

Counselor

Answer


Father left us


In this counseling answer:

“I ask you, dear sister, to try not to focus on your father as it will be a never-ending sadness and will drain you emotionally. Sometimes, there just isn’t an answer and that is okay. We just have to be stronger than the hate and pain, which I believe you are. I ask that in sha’ Allah you move on with your life and embrace all the beautiful qualities and abilities that make you ‘you’.”


As-Salamu ‘Alakum dear sister, 

I am so sad to hear of your father’s rejection of you and your mother, as well as the abuse she endured.

While I know this is not going to be what you may want to hear, possibly his leaving and his refusal to be a part of your life was for the best. As he was an abusive man, who knows what could have happened if he had stayed.

With that said, your father has committed seriously haram acts in Islam by beating your mom, leaving you, not providing support and cutting you off. Allah will deal with him. I know you feel you hate him, and with every right.

Often times, however, behind hate is a deep pain and sadness, so severe that it turns into hate. In essence dear sister, what you may be feeling is a hatred of his behaviors, rejections, and abuse. It is not wrong to hate what Allah hates; however, I ask you to separate the actions from the father figure. While many children go through rejection from one or more parents, it is, indeed, a fact that they were born due to their parents.

I ask you to respect that fact and to respect he and your mom brought you into this world. While in Islam you are not to disrespect him, you do not have to condone his vile and hurtful behaviors either. Just know that his abusive behaviors and his rejection have nothing to do with you. 

While we do not know what causes parents to hurt and/or leave their children (mental illness, addictions, etc), we can only defeat our feelings of hatred by moving forward and living a happy, pious, fulfilling life. That is the best outcome when someone hurts us or rejects us – to become the best we can be despite their wicked ways.

I ask you, dear sister, to try not to focus on your father as it will be a never-ending sadness and will drain you emotionally. Sometimes, there just isn’t an answer and that is okay. We just have to be stronger than the hate and pain, which I believe you are. I ask that in sha’ Allah you move on with your life and embrace all the beautiful qualities and abilities that make you ‘you’.

I ask in sha’ Allah that you focus on a happy life with your family who are present and leave the past in the past. I suggest dear sister that you possibly get involved in some Islamic groups and activities which are upbuilding and encouraging. While I do not know how old you are, it may also be beneficial in sha’ Allah to seek out Muslim groups for children who live in single-family homes.

In the USA, for example, children living with only one parent in cases similar to yours have the resources in some areas to connect with others who are in similar situations and build relationships with each other for not only social times but Islamic learning and understanding. Lastly, the most important is to stay close to Allah; make du’aa’ for healing and pray that Allah grants ease for your precious heart and relieves you from these feelings which are harming you.

Please, let us know how you are doing dear sister. Move forward, let go of the pain and hate and free yourself from the damages your father has done. You do not have to live in that shadow.

You are in our prayers.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

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