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My Ugly Face Causes My Depression

Questioner

R

Reply Date

Dec 17, 2017

Question

I am very ugly and I have known this in my entire life. Strangers, friends, family members, a lot of people have commented negatively on my looks. They make fun of me for being the ugly one from a family of beautiful women. This is getting in the way of marriage prospects. I have been trying hard for years to get married the halal way. But men (even good, religious men) always reject me when they look at me. Some have even said that I was not beautiful at all. It humiliates and insults me because of my younger sisters and cousins, who are beautiful, get so many good proposals although they are not that nice. Everyone seems to ignore their bad character and sends proposals to them. They can't stop focusing on their looks. I am so deeply hurt. I keep asking Allah to make me look beautiful and to give me a happy, loving marriage. I'm getting older now and it is getting more difficult. Please help me. And I've tried EVERYTHING, literally. I'm all out of ideas. I'm so depressed.

Counselor

Answer


My Ugly Face Causes My Depression

In this counseling answer:

“It isn’t about your looks; it is about the times we are living in. Trust me on this. Don’t ever believe that your inability to find a suitable partner is solely because of your physical appearance. A good man who is authentic will want a good woman who will love him. We are living in times where a lot of people are very superficial and honestly don’t know what is good for them. They often pass up good women because they are good women! But we must continue to be good women because eventually the men will see what they have done to themselves and repent.”


As-Salam ‘Alaikum  Sister,

I am so sorry for that hear you are so sad and that you have been experiencing so much emotional pain. Allah creates each of His creatures with His Beauty. Physical beauty is really a cultural construct. For example, for so long, Japanese found the neck to be especially beautiful. In the USA, until recently, it was breasts.

I will tell you that although I have never seen you in person, there is certainly something physically beautiful about you. Even if it is your fingers or the grace with which you carry yourself! I want you to write down 3 things about your body that you appreciate. This can be your toes, your health, and your knees, anything. Allah gave you the body that you are in. A body is a vessel for your soul so that you can complete your work on this earth. We must love this vessel, take care of it, and appreciate it. We must never care about the worldly opinions and truly appreciate what Allah has given to us.

With that said, the men who have overlooked you because you did not fit their picture of beauty do not deserve to have you as their wife. I understand how you may feel lonely, and how you may truly want to be married. However, you do not want to be married to any of these men. Instead of praying to become beautiful so that you will be selected by a shallow man who is not even connected to his own soul, pray to Allah to attract the light and spirit of a man who will want to be joined with the light and spirit of you. He could be far, far away. It may be years before you meet the man whose light is as beautiful as your light is. But you do not want to settle for anything less!

Meanwhile, focus on receiving guidance from Allah to know and understand your soul’s purpose for being here on this Earth. We are all given a different “mission” that is unique to our own soul. You do not know what your “mission” is yet. Quiet your mind and realize that there is a higher hand at work. Surrender your life and fate to the will of Allah and you will begin to receive intuition about what you are supposed to be doing.

You are here to give to this Earth or to humanity. When you get this intuition, follow it. Seek out the knowledge and skills that you need in order to do this work well. If you stay on this track, you will increase the probability that you will meet the man whom Allah created as your life partner.

I will tell you a secret: I have met women who are overlooked because of their financial situation. I have worked with women who had children and are abandoned by their husbands and are all alone in this world with a heavy load to carry. I have worked with women who, for some reason or another, never successfully married and are approaching their 50’s. I have met grossly overweight women who are happily married to good-looking, successful, and kind men.

It isn’t about your looks; it is about the times we are living in. Trust me on this. Don’t ever believe that your inability to find a suitable partner is solely because of your physical appearance. A good man who is authentic will want a good woman who will love him. We are living in times where a lot of people are very superficial and honestly don’t know what is good for them. They often pass up good women because they are good women! But we must continue to be good women because eventually the men will see what they have done to themselves and repent.

This might take a few generations! So, for now, please stay close to Allah. Contentment does not come from marriage. Contentment comes from understanding what Allah’s will for us is and aligning our own personal will with the will of Allah.

I understand that a woman is very fulfilled through marriage and children. However, this is only when we have healthy marriages, a sustainable stability, and good spiritual environment to rear the children in. The times are changing worldwide and this is becoming harder and harder to find. It is only in the consciousness of aligning our will with the will of Allah where we can find contentment and peace. If you were married but did not already have this level of spiritual understanding and action within yourself, you would still be discontent and even resent the marriage. This is why over 50% of marriages in the west end up in divorce. In addition, this discontent seems to be spreading all over the world.

So, stay on your spiritual path and close to Allah. If the boys want to grow up and turn into men (get past their shallow superficial and selfish level of awareness and consciousness), then we will have good husbands for good men. Until that happens, please be patient and trust what I am telling you.

You are beautiful to Allah. You are His Creation. You are a beautiful person. Don’t forget that.

Salaam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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