In this counseling answer:
• I don’t think it is merely a matter of failure to relax, otherwise, the pain would have disappeared after giving birth to your lovely son.
• My advice is that you first try to put some stipulations regarding prayers and connect them to your daily schedule.
As-Salamu `Alaykum dear sister,
First, I was impressed by your patience with your suffering, your vivid faith, and your strong desire to be a good Muslim wife.
You have two main problems, but I cannot theorize whether they are related or not. It could be depression or chronic stress that causes both your lack of sexual pleasure and your feeling of numbness in your relationship with Allah Most High. It could also be a deep feeling of guilt; in short, we have a long list of possibilities. At the same time, we could consider your sexual problem as one that stands separate from your religious one. One or more interviews with a Muslim psychiatrist could answer this question: are the two problems related or not?
Since you were first married, you have experienced pain during sexual intercourse with your husband. It caused you to present yourself to a gynecologist who apparently found no organic cause, yet the pain continued, even after the birth of your son. Such a complaint is called non-organic dyspareunia and the help of a psychiatrist may be required to find the deeply-hidden emotional and cognitive factors that are causing this problem.
However, there are a lot of questions that I need to ask relating to the type and the timing of the sexual pain you experience. I also need to clarify the meaning of, “most of the time I don’t even enjoy sex”. Does that mean pain occurs only at certain times? I need much more information, and in fact, this needs psychotherapeutic help. You can consider this matter with your husband, particularly as I don’t think it is merely a matter of failure to relax, otherwise, the pain would have disappeared after giving birth to your lovely son.
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Regarding the numbness of your religious feelings, this is most probably the result of your stressful life plus guilt feelings about “causing your husband to suffer.” The stress and the guilt have made you mildly to moderately depressed. My advice is that you first try to put some stipulations regarding prayers and connect them to your daily schedule. For example, you can abstain from having lunch except after praying the Noon Prayer, do not have dinner before completing the Sunset Prayer and the Night Prayer, this way may be helpful, but remember that you will have to force yourself in the beginning and after a while, it will become a habit.
Once again, there are a lot of questions that I need to ask you relating to the kind work you do, the amount of time you spend with your husband, and so on. Does your husband pray regularly? Can he remind you to make your prayers? Is it only a matter of forgetting prayers on time or something else?
I hope to hear from you again; a more detailed e-mail would enable me to offer more help and advice.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.