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Hard to Accept Others; Do I Have Disorders?

08 March, 2017
Q As-Salam ‘Alaykum. I have a nice life, Alhamdulillah, but still some minor problems create mess in my happiness. 1) Sometimes, for no reason, I feel jealous. For example, I am with a person and that person talks to another person. In this case, I feel so bad and jealous. I want that if a person is with me, then he/she is fully with me and doesn’t care about anyone else. That person should be mine. I also don't want that my friends have other friends, too. I know it’s ridiculous and that can't be possible, but what I should do as my thoughts are uncontrollable. 2) I can't accept new people and sudden changes in my life/in my daily routine. For example, someone comes suddenly to my home and says that he/she will be in my home for the next 3 or 4 days. In this case, I will be so disturbed by the sudden presence of that person. I like people coming to my home and stay there for some time, but I want that they inform me early, so then I can set my mind for that. 3) I am unable to deal with different opinions. For example, I am sitting in a room with 4 or 5 different people talking. If someone talks about something which I don't like or disagree with it, I feel so bad, my mood swings completely, and I began to dislike that person. Please help me! Thank you so much!

Answer

Answer:

Salamu ‘Alaikum,

Thank you for sending us your question. It appears that you are mindful of yourself and your thinking style, and that is a great strength, Alhamdulillah. May Allah (swt) help you to reach your goals and be amongst the content in this world and the next.

You titled your question as “I Have Disorders.” How and when did you come to the conclusion that you have disorders? And if so, what kind of disorders do you have? The reason I am asking this is because the context of the question indicates that you believe (or may have been told) that you may suffer from some kind of mental health disorder (as indicated by the three symptoms that you mentioned you want to work on). If that is the case, then certainly I would recommend you follow up with a mental health professional in your area, whether they are Muslim or not. Psychologists, Clinical Social Workers, or any other mental health professional are trained to help you reach your goals through the guidance and support of counseling. Consistently participating in counseling will help you identify your strengths and weaknesses (as you already know) and help you to set short and long term goals for yourself to function and feel better.

In regards to the three points that you noticed about yourself, it appears that they all share a common theme: the inability to deal with broken expectations. Even the jealousy issue that you have can be categorized as such because you may feel that your particular friend/family member must be a certain way with you, and you expect them to conform to your feelings and desires. If they perform otherwise, then you feel some kind of unrest, just like the other two issues of difficulty dealing with people who have different points-of-view and a change in your routine.

You may believe deep down inside that things have to be a certain way, people have to be a certain way with you, and if things don’t happen the way you want, you feel dissatisfied. The need to constantly be in control of your surroundings is something that you need to recognize whenever you find yourself in the above three situations again. Just like you were able to identify three negative issues about yourself, you can also exercise this strength to identify and recognize the times in which you feel unrest due to people falling short of your expectations. This is the first and most vital step to help you reach your goals. Recognizing your strengths and weaknesses is truly a wonderful quality that many people do not have. Alhamdulillah, it appears that you sincerely want to work on yourself to improve your overall well-being and well-being of those around you.

Implementing this first step is vital for your overall success; first recognizing the problem area and then work on identifying what you want to feel, and challenge it with what you initially feel. By doing so, you would be cognitively re-framing the situation to a more positive one. Consistently challenging your thoughts and feelings in this manner will help you control your thought-process and feelings instead of controlling other people’s actions.

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We must understand that we cannot and should not control others, but we should focus on ourselves and how we think and react to something that displeases us. Keeping a journal would also be a very helpful way to help you organize your thoughts throughout your journey.

May Allah (swt) grant you success and peace.

Amen,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, it’s volunteers, writers, scholars, counselors, or employees be held liable for any direct, indirect, exemplary, punitive, consequential or other damages whatsoever that may arise through your decision or action in the use of the services which our website provides. 

About Aliah F. Azmeh
Aliah F. Azmeh is a licensed clinical social worker who practices in Detroit, Michigan. Aliah graduated with a Master's degree in Social Work from the University of Michigan in 2007 and has experience working in the United States and overseas. Aliah currently works as a clinical social worker and provides individual, family, and marital counseling at Muslim Family Services in Detroit, MI.