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Wife Ugly & Rude But I’m Afraid to Leave Her

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Dec 21, 2016

Question

I married a woman who is ill, ugly, disobedient, rude, can’t handle home, can’t train children (tarbiah) and likewise many shortcomings. I want to divorce her immediately but there are two hurdles. First, I have a daughter and a son from her. Second, I am very weak (family wise). For sure I can't keep her but what will become of the children and if her family harms me? Give me a solution please.

Counselor

Answer


Wife Ugly & Rude But I’m Afraid to Leave Her

Answer:

Wa ‘Alaikum As-Salaam dear brother,

Thank you for asking your question. It appears by the statements that you have been making that you are very unhappy with the current state of your marriage. The description of your wife was concerning due to the fact that the words you used to describe her were all negative. You stated that your wife is “ugly, disobedient, rude, can’t handle a home, can’t train children, and many other shortcoming”. Besides the descriptions of your wife being broad, generalized, the words that you chose in particular are very critical.

Based on your description of her I’m wondering if this was an arranged marriage and this person was chosen for you although the two of you appear – based on your description- to not be compatible. If this is the case, there are several things that I would like to point out to you based on your circumstances that will be good for you to reflect upon at this point in time.

Based on your description it seems that you are not attracted to her at all. In situations of resolving a conflict in a marriage or otherwise it’s important to stay away from over critical language, stick to the facts, and give concrete examples where a particular individual has wronged you in some way, or is not fulfilling their rights and obligations to you.

Your first statement that you made regarding your wife after stating that you are not attracted to her is that she is disobedient. My question to you is in what way is she being disobedient to you? What are you requesting of her and asking of her that you would describe her in this way? As husband and wife, the two of you both should be working together as a team respecting each other’s autonomy as well as differences of opinion.

In this instance, it is important for you to take this time to examine what your values are, what your core beliefs are besides Islamic beliefs, what your secular cultural values are that you were raised with, how exactly you view women. If you can answer these questions in regards to yourself it may make a few things clear in regards to what is at the root of your conflict with your wife.

Your next statements following these statements are that you think she is rude, can’t handle a home and that she cannot handle raising children. Again, these are broad and subjective statements based on your perception of the situation, cite specific examples where she is rude. If she can’t handle a home in your opinion have you explored helping her and showing her how to maintain the home in the manner that you like in a gentle manner. You are husband and wife, which means in many respects you share that responsibility in supporting one another morally.

A good question to ask yourself is do you use this type of vocabulary to speak to your wife? Do you call your wife names in an effort to manipulate her to do what you would like or to express your disgust with the situation? If this is the case then this is a form of verbal, psychological, and emotional abuse. There could be multiple factors contributing to why your wife seems unmotivated to maintain the home or raise the children which include lack of healthy emotional support, depression, she may be equally unhappy with the marriage, etc.

As you reflect on this situation and decide on what is the best approach for you at this point in time, take the core values of Islam into consideration in your day to day dealings with your wife as Islam is founded upon peace, justice, social justice, human rights, maintaining good, forbidding evil, and doing what is deemed right in our hearts even when we are at a stronger advantage and think no one is watching.

Even if your decision is to get a divorce, which is permissible Islamically, keep in mind that as Muslims none of us are perfect and we are constantly striving to be the best in character and what we often dislike in an individual the most is a character trait that we essentially may possess ourselves.

May Allah (swt) guide us all to the truth and keep all of our relationships healthy and spiritually sound.

Best wishes to you in your decision ahead.

Salam,

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About Sakeena Abdulraheem

Sakeena Abdulraheemholds an MA in Social studies with a concentration in Islamic studies from the Graduate School of Islamic and Social Sciences. She is currently completing her M.A.in counseling psychology with a concentration in trauma counseling. She has extensive experience working as a teacher, mentor, and consultant.


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