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My Wife Continuously Lies to Me

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Oct 10, 2018

Question

Salam Counselor, My wife lies to me, especially about issues related to finances. She presently has a shop which I financed. I also work. She is involved in thrift contribution with her sister’s husband for about 10 years now which she denied. She also does things with him without my knowledge and permission. She at a point gave contribution money to her sister’s husband at my detriment when I was short of money for use.

Recently, she proposed an additional money-making venture to me which I know her brother-in-law is also involved in through her help. I asked if her siblings, herself or the brother-in-law was I loved in such venture but she said no. I got sad and felt lied too. Such lies were not the first time especially when it comes to her people and finances.

Please, what should I do? We fight on these issues and I really want the marriage (of 10 years) to work but the issue of trust is a major problem with her.

Counselor

Answer


My Wife Continuously Lies to Me

In this counseling answer:

• I will kindly suggest insha’Allah, to pick a time when things are calm and you both are in a happy mood. This could be a time when you go out to dinner or if you go for a walk.

• Rather than accusing her of lying, frame it in a way that you’re asking questions to help you better understand.


As-salaam Alaykum,

Thank you for writing to us. From what you have described, your wife works and earns a salary. She owns her own business which you financed and works with her sister’s husband. The problem that you have outlined is that she lies about his involvement. She also does things with him without your knowledge and permission according to you.

I’m understanding this to be separate from business, but I am not sure. She also gave money to her sister’s husband when you were short of money for use. Recently, she proposed an additional money-making venture. When you asked if her siblings or the brother-in-law was involved, she said no and you felt lied to.

Communication & Trust

Brother, it appears that there is a huge problem with communication and trust. For some reason, she feels she does not, or cannot trust you with the truth about her business ventures. At the same time with good reason, you do not trust her either.

From what you have written, she has been lying to you about the brother-in-law’s involvement for some reason. Brother, it is very important at this point to have a conversation with her. I understand that you have been arguing about this and it is a major issue. I will kindly suggest insha’Allah, to pick a time when things are calm and you both are in a happy mood. This could be a time when you go out to dinner or if you go for a walk. I will kindly suggest insha’Allah that you asked her if you could please talk about your concerns and questions about the business ventures she’s been doing.

Assure her that you love her, that you want to see her succeed and that you want to share in the joys of her successes. However, tell her that you have some concerns that you would like to discuss. You may want to outline some of your concerns prior to speaking with her. When you do bring these concerns up try not to come from a defensive stance.

Rather than accusing her of lying, frame it in a way that you’re asking questions to help you better understand. People often respond better when they feel they are not being accused or attacked regarding an issue. If you can manage to keep your wife on the offense, she may respond more favorably as well as more honest.

From this conversation, you can either start fresh concerning the relationship in this business, or it may raise further questions in your mind. Depending on the outcome you may want to take further steps to resolve what is going on that you feel is not appropriate. However, if you have reached a place with her where you are starting to build trust, I kindly suggest insha’Allah that you keep that momentum.

Should she not want to talk at all brother, or if she continues lying, you may want to just drop the subject with her. It will not go anywhere. Not wanting to talk about something as serious as lying, covering up, indicate a need for further actions.


Check out this counseling video:


Is she refuses to talk; you may want to speak with the brother-in-law. Again, take the same approach; one that is not defensive, but one that is supportive yet requires that your questions and your needs be met. Insha’Allah, the brother-in-law will respond favorably and be honest with you.

Shame and Guilt

It could be that your brother-in-law is not a good wage-earner and your wife has been covering for him. If this is the case it could be that he feels shame over not being able to support his family without your wife’s involvement. Either way it goes, I do encourage you to try to talk with your wife first, if not, possibly her sister’s husband to find out what the true situation is.

It is my feeling and I may be wrong, Allah forgives me but it does sound like she is helping him to take care of his family and there is a feeling of shame and guilt involved. Your wife, on the other hand, should tell you, as you are her husband and she should trust you to be fair in your assessment of the situation. Your wife should not lie to you nor hold back any situations. Ideally, she should come to you for everything.

Please, do let us know how the situation turns out,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

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I Can’t Stop Lying to My Husband!

I Can’t Stand My Husband’s Constant Lies




About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

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