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We’re Married but Separated Because of Her Job

Questioner

R

Reply Date

Apr 30, 2017

Question

I've been married for 3 years. I'm working and living with friends. My wife is working at her hometown and living with her parents. My problem is that I'm telling my wife to resign the job and live with me (we don't have a child yet), but she says she can't come. She suggested me, instead, to travel every weekend to her which is 3 hours from here. I am tired of traveling. I need a child for which we should be together, but for the last 6 months, we have lots of problems. I'm thinking of separating from her. Please, give me some advice what to do in this situation. Jazak Allah.

Counselor

Answer


We're Married but Separated Because of Her Job

Answer:

As-salamu `Alaikum Sister,

Thank you for sending us your question. It seems you are going through a predicament with living apart from your wife. I ask Allah (swt) to help the both of you come up with a mutual agreement that benefits the both of you.

To summarize your situation, it seems you have been married to your wife for over 3 years, but you both live in different cities due to professional reasons. You have grown tired of this arrangement, and when you asked your wife to quit her job to come live with you, she refused. Now you are confused because you want to have a family, but your wife still wants to continue to work at her job.

Working Muslim Women: How to Reduce Stress

Long Distance in Marriage: A Major Handicap

Can Married Couples Live Apart?

The first question that comes to mind is whether the both of you discussed your living arrangements before you got married. Did you both agree on living apart from each other for work reasons? If so, how long did you both agree on living apart?

Nowadays, it is becoming more of a norm for married couples to live apart due to financial and professional purposes. However, most people have in mind that it will be temporary. It is natural to feel the way that you do – desiring your wife to live with you and to start having children and settling down. It seems your frustrations have become so strong that you are even contemplating divorce.

Before you start thinking about divorcing your wife, the first thing that should take place is for the both of you to sit down with each other and discuss your goals and priorities as individuals and as a married couple. What is important to your wife to achieve to make her feel fulfilled as an individual? How is this marriage important to her, and what are her future goals with you as her husband?

The same questions should be asked from you, and the both of you have to hear each other’s answers. The both of you must understand each other’s feelings, take them into consideration, and come up with a mutual agreement on what your future entails.

Compromise on both parts will likely take place in order for your marriage (and any marriage) to continue. If the both of you are unable to come up with a mutual agreement, then I would highly recommend marriage counseling. Marriage counseling should help the both of you determine what your goals are and clear up the confusion you might have about continuing or ending the relationship.

Remember, that you should focus on agreeing on a certain route to take. Forcing your wife to end her job without understanding her point of view will not solve your issue. Marriage involves two people and both individuals should be listened to and heard in order for the relationship to succeed. She must understand how you feel, and you must understand how she feels. All possible solutions should be discussed between the both of you to solve this issue mutually.

May Allah (swt) help you,

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About Aliah F. Azmeh

Aliah F. Azmeh is a licensed clinical social worker who practices in Detroit, Michigan. Aliah graduated with a Master's degree in Social Work from the University of Michigan in 2007 and has experience working in the United States and overseas. Aliah currently works as a clinical social worker and provides individual, family, and marital counseling at Muslim Family Services in Detroit, MI.

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