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We Love Each Other But Have Trouble Having Children

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Jul 17, 2018

Question

Salam aleikoum.

I am a woman of 34 years old and marries for over two and a half years now. From the beginning, I have wanted children so I never used any type of birth control. But my husband has failed to give me a baby. I mean that he cannot reach orgasm. This is something that he could do in the first four months of our marriage and after that all of the sudden he couldn’t. I don’t know how, what or why.

I have tried talking to him about it but he keeps saying that it was not because of me and that he still finds me attractive and loves me. I have however had moments of doubt and cried a lot over this. He has this problem and I can’t seem to help him.

After a while, I made an appointment for us at the doctor and told them about his problem and that we want children. The doctor sent us to the hospital where they can help us get pregnant and told my husband to just relax or go see a therapist for his problem.

At this point, my husband and I don’t have intercourse. He has put the issue of getting pregnant in the hands of the doctors instead of trying on our own. We both have been examined and we have no fertility problems. Still, they put me on hormones to increase our chances. The hospital gave us four chances to schedule the ovulation and do an insemination. I am in my 4th session as I am typing this. If this attempt fails, they will try IVF.

I suffer from these hormone treatments and during all the tests. For me, all of this feels very heavy on my shoulders. Family members keep asking me why I still am not pregnant and if I say it is all in the hands of Allah they reply with; soon, insha Allah, but why don’t you go see a doctor.

Also my in-laws keep pushing me to see doctors, even if it means going abroad to see doctors. It saddens me because we are not infertile. We just don’t have intercourse and that is not my fault. I feel that I am getting older and missing my window to have children while my husband is the one with the problem and is denying me two things; intimacy and the chance to conceive in a normal / natural way.

I am lost and don’t know what to do. I tried talking with him and he keeps telling me that it will be alright, that he will try some pills and that Allah will grant us children. I suggested roqiah and hijama but he refuses both.

Sometimes I find myself thinking about divorce so I can have another chance to a normal marriage and a shot at children, but then I feel sorry for my husband because he is not a bad person. Except for the intimacy that is missing and the children we can’t conceive, he is very sweet and treats me and my family with so much respect. I can see that he loves me. But after two years, this struggle is nearly braking me down. I am in desperate need of advice and counseling.

Counselor

Answer


We Love Each Other But Have Trouble Having Children

In this counseling answer:

• Stress, worry, depression can play a part in the ability to get an erection as can fatigue or feeling conflicted about one’s self. Try to get to the root of your husband’s problem.

• Seek counseling. A good counselor will be able to help guide you through this and address any issues you’re having with depression or self-esteem.


As Salaam Alaykum sister,

Thank you for writing to us with your concerns regarding the issues with your marriage. From what I understand sister, you’ve been married for two-and-a-half years and you’re trying to have children. It appears that your husband cannot maintain normal sexual relations with you as he has problems with climaxing. You stated this problem began about four months after your marriage. Despite this problem, your husband has reassured you that he still finds you attractive and loves you. This has understandably hurt you deeply, as well as has put doubt in your mind.

You indicated that you and your husband went to the doctors and they set you up with fertility treatments. You stated they put you on hormones to increase your chances. I am trying to understand what happened at the doctor’s appointment, sister. Did you tell the doctor that your husband is having problems with sexual performance; did you tell the doctor the full extent of the problem and exactly what the problem is? You did state that the doctor casually told your husband to just relax or go see a therapist for his problems, but there appears to be no follow up on this.

Getting to the Root of the Problem

As your husband is having the problems, it may not be wise to put you on hormones as the first line of resolution as some hormones can have side effects. Possibly, they took this route as you do want children and feel an urgency due to not conceiving in two and a half years. It just seems to me they would have more aggressively addressed your husband’s inability to perform first, rather than go straight to expensive fertility treatments.

Sister, it could be that your husband has a medical condition that is causing this. You did not state whether or not the doctor tested him and ruled him and ruled out any medical conditions that could be causing this. If they have not done this yet, please do request that they evaluate your husband’s health. If he is on any medications for blood pressure, diabetes, or other health conditions, these medications can affect performance as well.

Sister is exceedingly important that your husband gets a medical evaluation. If his health is clear, he needs to engage in therapy insha’Allah to determine what emotional factors may be causing his inability to be sexually active.

Sadly, when things like this occur in marriages, the spouse feels that they may be at fault or that their partner is not attracted to them. This may be true in some cases, but the majority of times it is a mental health issue or a physical problem going on with a man. Stress, worry, depression can play a part in the ability to get an erection as can fatigue or feeling conflicted about one’s self. 

Concerning insemination as well as IVP to get pregnant, insha’Allah it will work. However, it does not address the initial and most painful issue of your husband’s inability to climax. As your husband is good to you and all other ways according to you, please do ask him (and the doctor) to medically investigate his side at the equation concerning your sex life. As you have only been married a short time, the focus should be on your husband’s inability to climax as intimacy is an important part of marriage. It is a vital and sacred communication between a husband and wife.

Allah created the bonds of marriage for sexual relations to take place.  Sexual relations help a couple to bond as well as provide pleasure and offspring.

Sister, you have expressed deep hurt and depression regarding your husband’s inability to be intimate with you. This is understandable.  No one expects to marry and then have to live without intimacy.

To complicate matters, you have family and friends constantly asking why you are still not pregnant. I can imagine that this is a painful reminder of what’s really going on. However, you cannot state this to others for obvious reasons.

Sister, I will kindly suggest insha’Allah that you both further investigate the reasons for your husband’s inability to have sexual relationships with you. You may want to continue with the fertility treatments in order to conceive, but the root issue must be addressed. Even if you do conceive through insemination or IVP, there is still the issue of you and your husband not having an intimate relationship.

As you can see, and as you have expressed, this is hurting your marriage. You are now having thoughts of divorcing him and marrying somebody else so you can have a normal marriage with intimacy. This is a very sad situation because it seems that you and your husband love each other very much.  You stated that he is very sweet and treats your you and your family with a lot of respect.


Check out his counseling video:


Interference of Marital Intimacy

Based on your love one another and your compatibility, I would kindly suggest insha’Allah sister, that you both do try to get to the root of your husband’s problem. It would be a shame to divorce over intimacy issues if they can be resolved.

While I don’t know exactly what the doctors did or said, it appears that they did not try hard enough to find out why your husband cannot maintain sexual relations with you. I would try all routes insha’Allah to resolve this issue. You have a good marriage otherwise, and by resolving this issue insha’Allah, it may bring you both closer and possibly prevent a divorce.

Sister, sexual intimacy is your right in a marriage. If it turns out your husband does have a medical condition that cannot be treated, you will have to insha’Allah pray on the situation and decide what to do regarding your marriage.

Some cases of a man’s inability to perform sexually are rooted in psychological issues and some are due to medical issues. Sometimes an inability can be related to a past bad habit such as porn addiction. This may cause a person to only be able to function within the pornographic visuals.

Ingrained thoughts that sex is “bad or dirty” can also be responsible. Often times these thoughts can become so embedded in a person’s mind they are unable to function when they do marry. Most of the times these issues can be resolved and a healthy normal sexual relationship can be restored. The key, however, is taking the necessary steps towards resolution.

Counseling & Resolution

In addition to requesting further and more intensive evaluation of your husband, I kindly suggest sister that insha’Allah you get counseling as well. It is understandable that you are feeling depressed and hopeless at this point. A good counselor will be able to help guide you through this and address any issues you’re having with depression or self-esteem.

In addition, counseling can help you (if and when) your husband goes through medical tests and therapy of his own for his issues. Insha’Allah, the end result will be a total healing of your husband’s inability to have sexual relations and a restoration of your marital intimacy.

Please, do make duaa to Allah for this to be resolved. Duaa is our most powerful weapon and Allah is most merciful.

We wish you the best with the fertility treatments in regards to conception. We hope you both will resolve the underlying issue in order to save your marriage.

Amen,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

I Don’t Feel Like Having Children, Normal?

Depressed and Suffering from Infertility

I Want to Have Children, But He Doesn’t




About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

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