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Waiting for a Child for 17 Years; I Want to Die

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Jan 09, 2018

Question

I am in my 40s with no child. This is my second marriage and my husband is 10 years older than me. He has a very low sperm count. I have been longing for a child for 17 years. I am losing my emaan. I don't pray anymore. I want to die. I hate my husband too but I am stuck with him.

Counselor

Answer


Waiting for a Child for 17 Years; I Want to Die

In this counseling answer:

“Recent research tells us that stress boosts levels of stress hormones, such as adrenaline, catecholamines, and cortisol, which can inhibit the release of the body’s main hormone, GnRH (gonadotropin releasing hormone), which is responsible for the release of sex hormones. Subsequently, this may suppress ovulation in women, reduce sperm count in men and lower libido in both women and men”.


As-Salamu Alaikum dear sister,

I am sad to hear of your situation regarding conceiving a child. While I do not know how long you were married the first time, or why you did not have a child then, I can assure you are able to conceive. Apparently, at this point, it is your husband’s low sperm count that is possibly slowing things down.

Sister, I do not know how long you and your current husband have been married and trying to conceive. However, I do know that couples who are very stressed out do have issues conceiving.

Recent research tells us that stress boosts levels of stress hormones, such as adrenaline, catecholamines and cortisol, which can inhibit the release of the body’s main hormone, GnRH (gonadotropin releasing hormone), which is responsible for the release of sex hormones. Subsequently, this may suppress ovulation in women, reduce sperm count in men and lower libido in both women and men”.

Not only has research confirmed a link between stress and inability to conceive, I have also seen wherein my auntie and uncle were trying to conceive for 20 years and were very stressed out and upset because they did not. They decided to give up and adopt, and when they did, she got pregnant. The same thing happened to my mom’s friend who was around your age. As soon as she and her husband stopped “trying” and just focused on loving each other and accepting life as a couple with no children, she got pregnant.

So, while your husband may have a low sperm count, it may be the anxiety and stress that you (and him) are going through that is contributing to it.

Sister, you sound very angry at your husband, especially when you stated you hate him and want to die.  I am not sure how he feels with all this anger, but I would kindly suggest dear sister that you get counseling on a regular basis to help you deal with these emotions. Should you get pregnant, it will not be good for the baby to be around negativity. I do encourage you to deal with it now before you do conceive.

Also, should you seriously feel suicidal, sister, please do tell someone and call the suicide hotline for help.  If this is not in your area dear sister, please do get the number to one which is, or ask your counselor when you go for counseling, in sha’ Allah.

Lastly, dear sister, please do connect with the sisters at the mosque for support and friendship. Take some Islamic classes. Try to take time to socialize, go out for lunch, tea or walks with sisters you are close with. Our sisters are a great support. Engage in exercise and stress reduction techniques to help calm your mind and body as well as increase your feelings of happiness.

Insha’Allah sister, try to work very hard on recharging your faith. I can imagine it is most difficult right now. Often with crises in life, we can get depressed and lose part of our faith. You are not alone.  What is most important right now is drawing close to Allah through prayer, dhkzir, reading Qur’an as well as re-developing your trust in Him as your creator. Allah does love you sister and is waiting for you to pour your heart out to Him. He created you and wishes for you to be happy.

Allah has blessed you with many things sister, please try to also look at your blessings, insha’Allah.  Make a list if you need to.

Whatever the outcome is concerning a child, it is already written by Allah and Allah is most merciful.  You may get many children, or you may have none. Only Allah knows. There are many childless couples who are very happy. They still love and serve Allah. They are grateful for the blessings they do have. Insha’Allah, sister, you will change your mindset to renew and strengthen your love not only for Allah, for your husband, but for yourself as well.

Allah loves you sister, and you are precious to Him. 

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad-Swan

Aisha Mohammad-Swan received her PhD in psychology in 2000. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York with a focus on PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, and Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. She is currently studying for her certification in Islamic Chaplaincy, and takes Islamic courses at SHC. Aisha works at a Women's Daytime Drop in Center, and has her own part-time practice in which she integrates counseling and holistic health. Aisha also received an MA in Public Health/Community Development in 2009 and plans to open a community counseling/resource center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah.

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