This is my second marriage and my husband is 10 years older than me. He has a very low sperm count. I have been longing for a child for 17 years.
I am losing my emaan. I don't pray anymore. I want to die. I hate my husband too but I am stuck with him.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
I would kindly suggest dear sister, that you get counseling on a regular basis to help you deal with these emotions.
should you seriously feel suicidal, sister, please do tell someone and call the suicide hotline for help.
Recent research tells us that stress boosts levels of stress hormones, such as adrenaline, catecholamines, and cortisol, which can inhibit the release of the body’s main hormone, GnRH (gonadotropin releasing hormone), which is responsible for the release of sex hormones. Subsequently, this may suppress ovulation in women, reduce sperm count in men and lower libido in both women and men.
Allah has blessed you with many things sister, please try to also look at your blessings, insha’Allah. Make a list if you need to.
Insha’Allah, sister, you will change your mindset to renew and strengthen your love not only for Allah, for your husband, but for yourself as well.
There are many childless couples who are very happy. They still love and serve Allah. They are grateful for the blessings they do have.
Insha’Allah sister, try to work very hard on recharging your faith.
As-Salamu Alaikum dear sister,
I am sad to hear of your situation regarding conceiving a child. While I do not know how long you were married the first time, or why you did not have a child then, I can assure you are able to conceive. Apparently, at this point, it is your husband’s low sperm count that is possibly slowing things down.
Sister, I do not know how long you and your current husband have been married and trying to conceive. However, I do know that couples who are very stressed out do have issues conceiving.
“Recent research tells us that stress boosts levels of stress hormones, such as adrenaline, catecholamines and cortisol, which can inhibit the release of the body’s main hormone, GnRH (gonadotropin releasing hormone), which is responsible for the release of sex hormones. Subsequently, this may suppress ovulation in women, reduce sperm count in men and lower libido in both women and men”.
Stress
Not only has research confirmed a link between stress and inability to conceive, I have also seen wherein my auntie and uncle were trying to conceive for 20 years and were very stressed out and upset because they did not. They decided to give up and adopt, and when they did, she got pregnant.
The same thing happened to my mom’s friend who was around your age. As soon as she and her husband stopped “trying” and just focused on loving each other and accepting life as a couple with no children, she got pregnant.
So, while your husband may have a low sperm count, it may be the anxiety and stress that you (and him) are going through that is contributing to it.
Check out this counseling video:
Anger
Sister, you sound very angry at your husband, especially when you stated you hate him and want to die. I am not sure how he feels with all this anger, but I would kindly suggest dear sister that you get counseling on a regular basis to help you deal with these emotions.
Should you get pregnant, it will not be good for the baby to be around negativity. I do encourage you to deal with it now before you do conceive.
Also, should you seriously feel suicidal, sister, please do tell someone and call the suicide hotline for help. If this is not in your area dear sister, please do get the number to one which is, or ask your counselor when you go for counseling, in sha’ Allah.
Community
Lastly, dear sister, please do connect with the sisters at the mosque for support and friendship. Take some Islamic classes. Try to take time to socialize, go out for lunch, tea or walks with sisters you are close with. Our sisters are a great support. Engage in exercise and stress reduction techniques to help calm your mind and body as well as increase your feelings of happiness.
Insha’Allah sister, try to work very hard on recharging your faith. I can imagine it is most difficult right now. Often with crises in life, we can get depressed and lose part of our faith. You are not alone.
What is most important right now is drawing close to Allah through prayer, dhkzir, reading Qur’an as well as re-developing your trust in Him as your creator. Allah does love you sister and is waiting for you to pour your heart out to Him. He created you and wishes for you to be happy.
Blessings
Allah has blessed you with many things sister, please try to also look at your blessings, insha’Allah. Make a list if you need to.
Whatever the outcome is concerning a child, it is already written by Allah and Allah is most merciful. You may get many children, or you may have none. Only Allah knows. There are many childless couples who are very happy.
They still love and serve Allah. They are grateful for the blessings they do have. Insha’Allah, sister, you will change your mindset to renew and strengthen your love not only for Allah, for your husband, but for yourself as well.
Allah loves you sister, and you are precious to Him.
Editor’s note:
Dear sister, you mentioned that you hate your husband but you didn’t explain why. It could be some negative feelings as a result of your stress and continuous focus on getting a child. We would kindly advise you to work on your relationship with your husband and you can seek marital counseling in order to improve your marriage.
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
