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Troubled First Marriage; I Want a Second Wife

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Mar 22, 2018

Question

Assalamualaikum! I have been married for 2 and half year and blessed with twins. My wife is always so rude in nature and she is always threatening me with committing suicide. I almost gave up my parents for her and started living with her separately. Still, she was not satisfied and kept me threatening with suicide. During our last fight, I raise my hand to her. I slapped her gently. She went to the police station and filed a case against me. Now she is living with her family with the kids and there is no communication between us for 10 months. But I still call her, message her to come back to me. I miss my wife and kids so much and wish to be with them. For that reason, I don't want to call off this marriage. I am also afraid of Allah's punishment; was I unjust to my kids and my wife? I even went to her hometown to met the Shariya court mufti to bring my wife back. But my wife's brother replied to the mufti that they don't want to send their sister back to me and they want to keep the case on me. I always try to reconnect with my wife, but she ignores me. I feel she has no interest in me anymore. Recently, I have got a proposal for marriage from a divorcee living close to my house. I am thinking of a second marriage with this girl. I would like to just know if I marry this girl, will Allah hold me responsible for being unjust with my first wife and with my kids? Please clear my doubts; is Allah unhappy with me my decision to take a second marriage?

Counselor

Answer


Troubled First Marriage; I Want a Second Wife

In this counseling answer:

“I understand that it must be a huge emotional and mental burden that your wife is treating you in such negative a manner. However, do try to apologize to her for any wrong-doing on your part and reconcile with her again for the sake of Allah and for the sake of your children.

I will also advise you to make an effort in understanding your wife’s perspective better. It may also be possible that she needs psychological guidance since she kept threatening you with committing suicide.”


Wa Alaikum Salaam Brother,

I am sorry to hear about your situation. From your post, I understand that you have been married for two and a half years; however, your wife was not happy and kept threatening you with suicide. You have twin sons from your marriage. Your wife got angry with you because you slapped her; which she reported to the police and filed a case. You have tried to reconcile the marriage, but your wife’s brother wants to maintain the case and does not want to send her sister back to you. Additionally, your wife also does not respond to your calls or messages. You have inquired whether it is okay for you to marry another woman, from whom you have received a proposal.

I am not an Islamic scholar; however, as far as I am concerned, according to the rules of Shariah, it is permissible for you to marry again. Islam permits a man to have up to four wives.

However, the matter is; can you maintain the rights of each wife? In the Quran, Allah says,

“If you fear that you might not treat the orphans justly, then marry the women that seem good to you: two, or three, or four. If you fear that you will not be able to treat them justly, then marry (only) one, or marry from among those whom your right hands possess. This will make it more likely that you will avoid injustice.” (Surah Nisa, 4:3)

Therefore, if you intend to marry another woman while your first marriage is still intact, you would need to observe justice between both wives. Justice implies that you treat both wives equally, provide for them in the same way and not treat one better than the other. For that, you will be answerable to Allah.

While you are absolutely entitled to the second marriage, you need to ensure several steps before doing so.

Try to reconcile with your wife again

I understand that it must be a huge emotional and mental burden that your wife is treating you in such negative a manner. However, do try to apologize to her for any wrong-doing on your part and reconcile with her again for the sake of Allah and for the sake of your children.

I will also advise you to make an effort in understanding your wife’s perspective better. It may also be possible that she needs psychological guidance since she kept threatening you with committing suicide.

If you do get together again, help her get some psychological assistance. According to a Hadith, Prophet Muhammad said,

“The Prophet (saws) said: Among the Muslims the most perfect, as regards his faith, is the one whose character is excellent, and the best among you are those who treat their wives well.” [Al-Tirmidhi, Hadith 628]

Notify about your marriage to your wife

While Islamic ruling does not require you to take permission or consent about marriage from your first wife, I still believe that ethically you should notify her that you are marrying another woman. It would greatly hurt your wife to hear from someone else that you have married another woman.

Let the woman you intend to marry know that you are already married

You should also let the woman you are about to marry know that you are already married and have two sons. It is important that she knows this before you marry her and she has no objections to it.

Make sure you provide for your wives and your children

Even though your wife is not staying with you, she is still your wife who has rights upon you. Therefore, she is your responsibility. Make sure you provide for each of your wives equally, financially.

In addition, sons from your first marriage are absolutely your financial responsibility. You would need to make sure you are providing for their food, clothing, housing, education, and basic necessities at a reasonable rate.

In case your first wants a divorce, you would still need to support your sons from her

It may be possible, that after hearing about your marriage to another woman, your first wife demands a divorce. Do understand that she has a right to divorce, so do not try to bind her unnecessarily.

After a divorce, you will not be responsible for your first wife’s finances. However, you would still need to fully support your children financially (sons from the first wife). Provide for them regularly according to your means.

Do an Istikhara

Lastly, it is advisable that you perform an Istikhara and ask Allah for His guidance about your new marriage. While you are fully entitled to marry, doing an Istikhara will help you decide if the woman you intend to marry will be suitable for you in this life and the hereafter.

When marrying, it is best to marry a woman for her piety. According to a Hadith narrated by Abu Hurairah, the Prophet Muhammad said,

 “A woman is married for four things: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty or for her piety. Select the pious, may you be blessed” [Bukhari, Muslim]

May Allah help you make the right decision.

Amen,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Zainab Farrukh

"Zainab Farrukh has an MS. in Mental Health & Counseling and has been working as a counselor for over 3 years. She is also a Research Specialist working with Psychology professionals and students internationally. She has recently founded The WomeNetwork (www.thewomenetwork.com), where her goal is to help women get better at their game."

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