Should We Stay Together for the Kids? | About Islam
Home > Ask the Counselor > Marital Obstacles > Should We Stay Together for the Kids?

Should We Stay Together for the Kids?

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Apr 26, 2018

Question

Salamu Aleikum.

Please, I need a help. I divorced my wife because she does not want to practice Islam. She also behaves as if she was not a married woman. Although we have four children, she is fliting around. My children suffer; they can even hardly concentrate on their studies.

In my region, a woman with such character is an abomination. If I take her back, it is like I have committed a crime against the society. But my children do not practice Islam again. I want to bring her back because of my children. Please, I need your advice.

Counselor

Answer


Should We Stay Together for the Kids?

In this counseling answer:

• Children don’t just need their parents to be together; they need their parents to be in harmony and create a healthy home.

• Get professional support to work through your issues with your wife.


As-Salaamu ’Alaikum,

You are in a difficult situation for sure! Please reflect on what you asked more deeply.

On one hand, you divorced your wife because she is not religious, disrespectful, and she “causes your children suffering.” On the other hand, you are saying you want to bring her back for the sake of your children? How so? What value and benefit will stay with your wife bring your children if what you said is true about her? It sounds like you do not want to be with your wife because, as you described, she is an “abomination.”

Often, couples say “we want to work it out for the children”, and sometimes this is a good reason only if a healthy marriage is possible. If the couple cannot be in harmony and set a good example as adults, then you may damage your children more! Children don’t just need their parents to be together; they need their parents to be in harmony and create a healthy home. Otherwise, what is the point of being together? There are many people who turned out messed up and their parents stayed together – that is not the solution in and of itself.

If you are unable to actualize harmony in the home with your wife, you run the risk of damaging your children more if they observe harmful acts, conflict, and contradictions between the parents. I encourage you to seek counsel in your area with professionals and family members and really think about the benefit and harm of both staying married or being unmarried.

If you decide to remain divorced, it is important to acknowledge that it will be a difficult task to raise children alone. If you work full-time, it will be necessary to get help from a nanny or family members. Ideally, when you are ready, you can explore other potential partners whose values and beliefs are aligned with your own, in hopes to create the family culture you desired with the mother of your children.

If you decide to stay married, it is imperative to get professional support to work through your issues with your wife. If counseling services are not available in your local area, try to get respected family members or other learned individuals to offer support and moderate a discussion on each of your marital needs and why you want them fulfilled. If you still find her resistant and opposing to your values, you need to accept that she also has the choice to live her life the way she wants.

I know this is difficult to swallow, but that is why humans have free will and why we are going to be accountable for how we use it before the Divine (swt). The reality is that we can not force others to do anything, and marriage requires both partners to want and aspire towards the same goals. Keep her in your prayers, regardless.  I hope you have a few ideas on how to move forward.

May Allah (swt) help you,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

Divorce and Children: The Difficult Question

Negative Effects of Divorce on Children

I Wish to Divorce, But What About The Kids?




About Karim Serageldin

Karim Serageldin, founder of Noor, completed his BA in psychology & religion, followed by an MA in east-west psychology with a specialization in spiritual counseling. He is a certified life coach with years of teaching and community outreach experience. His practical work and research includes developing a modern framework of Islamic psychology, relationship, family and youth coaching. He provides seminars and workshops in the United States. You can contact Br. Karim at: http://www.noorhumanconsulting.com or facebook.com/noorhumanconsulting

Add Comment


find out more!